Friday, November 16, 2012

paralyzing fear

i'm slowly realizing that there may not be any end in sight to my living in fear. there is just no going back to the life of blissful ignorance once you have lost a child. i keep waiting for the day when i will breathe a sigh of relief *knowing* that our rainbow is safe and here for the long haul. we just marked her 10 month birthday. it was a day of many emotions. we've never gotten to double digits before. she is so grown, the oldest our babies have ever been. we were so happy to get to that point with her. and yet there was a deep pain in my heart because i could not say the same about my son, my first born baby boy.

it's so incredibly difficult to balance both of those emotions at once. and i am so incredibly jealous of those that don't have to think in these terms. why didn't my son make it to 10 months? why was his life cut so short? why are we left to pick up the pieces of our broken hearts and to figure out how to manage our grief and our pain? i know i will never get answers to these questions.

our girl does such an amazing job of making us smile every day. i depend on her and her existence in this world more than it's probably fair to and more than she will probably ever know or realize. i wonder if all of my clinginess to her is negatively affecting her. she develops more and more each day. she claps, she kisses, she screeches, she walks, she crawls, she has teeth. each and every moment we cherish and celebrate knowing that at any moment it could all be taken away from us.

and though i'm so happy to see her develop, each new stage brings with it it's own set of worries and fears. starting solids has made me freak out every moment that she might choke. i damn near chew pieces of food for her before giving it to her alicia silverstone-style. her learning to walk has me constantly on guard that she might fall and bump her head. i just can't relax. i guess all i can do is try to take it moment by moment. but sometimes living that way is exhausting as well.

tomorrow we will be traveling to spend the thanksgiving holiday with my in-laws. thanksgiving is incredibly hard for me as it is the first major holiday that passed after Julius passed away. it is crazy to me that we are now at a point that we can acknowledge the holiday with a little one in our arms. but we still desperately miss he little one we carry with us in our heart. i am really just hoping that we make it through next week in one piece. and that is my hope for all of my BLMs as well.

9 comments:

B. Wilson said...

The answers we'll never have. :/

I understand this paralyzing fear. I don't feel like I've rested (besides the obvious crazy-babies-keep-you-tired obvious) since he was born. Hell, way before that even. Since the day Andrew died. I don't think I've rested.

Will we ever?

Molly said...

It's so hard... losing a baby... We have a three year old and I have panicked moments that he won't wake up. I breathe a sigh of relief every morning I see his smiling face. I worry when he's sick... I worry about every little "it could never happen to you" statistic.

We worry about our precious babies because babies don't usually die. We were that "it could never happen to you" statistic. So suddenly, everything seems it ABSOLUTELY will. I hope this Thanksgiving week brings you some peace and comfort and that it's easier on you than you expected.

Brooke said...

The holidays will be hard this year, even though we are acknowledging them for the first time since Eliza died.

And yes. I think the fear we feel isn't the typical parent-anxiety. It's the heart-chilling fear of really losing the babies we love so much. Because we know it can happen. Because it did.

Maxie's Mommy said...

I'm sorry Tiffany. Sorry you are scared. I wish it were so much different for all of us!

MrsH said...

I cannot imagine how difficult it must be to live in fear all the time of losing your little precious girl. I wonder how all this fear affects her. I guess that she feel well cared for and treated like a princess, but I worry that life may seem dangerous to her if she senses that it seems dangerous to you. That being said, when she is a bit older you will believe more and more strongly, and start to relax.

Jayden's Mommy said...

Im sorry Tiffany. I just came accross your profile and read most of your blogs tonight and sob and sob. I have a 2 and half and 3 and half and since loosing Jayden in February i wake up all the time to check not if they are cold but are they breathing? Its terrifying. I know that all bereaved moms understand that fear. I hope I can get to a point I will relax some more. Julius was just a chunker I love love his pictures. Absolutely Adorable. Kira

Ashley said...

I get this post 100%. It is so hard having a child anyways but to thrown in our worries after our children have died makes it SO much harder. So glad that your daughter brings you so much joy. ((hugs))

brigette said...

Big hugs!!! I so get where you are coming from!! It is scary and so unsure. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers!! Your daughter is beautiful!!

Natasha said...

It's so hard.....trying to always figure out why. Trying to understand when it makes no sense. The worrying is so overwhelming. It's not your average worry level- it's so much more than that because we know the reality of loss. I hate that we think this way. I wish it could get better......I just don't know how to make that happen.

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