Sunday, May 8, 2011

Mother's Day without You

Dear Julius,

Today is Mother's Day. Last year around this time, Daddy and I were anxiously waiting your arrival. I remember commenting to him how unfair I thought it was that he was going to celebrate Father's Day a month later the "right" way - with a baby on Earth to father, while I was going to have to wait a whole year. Little did I know... I miss you so much. I wonder how it would feel to get kisses and hugs from an 11.5 month old. I wonder what you and Daddy would have done for me to help me celebrate this day. I wonder so much about what our life passed October 12th would have been like. Unfortunately we will never get to know.

Today has been very emotional. Instead of holding you close, I did some work in your garden. I painted your name on your memorial stone. And I finally put it in your garden. Daddy and I bought some nice solar lights yesterday, and I put those in place. Instead of chasing after you, I cleaned out the garage, and did some laundry. Instead of making sure that all of your needs were met, I cleaned our room. I made sure that your spot was nice and dust-free. I lit candles around the house. This is my life after you...parenting your memory.

But, Baby, even though I feel intense sadness and pain on this day, I have felt love. I've felt love from Daddy who made me breakfast in bed and gave me a card and my favorite B&J's ice cream. I've felt love from my parents and sister who called and wished me a gentle Mother's Day. I've felt love from my wonderful friends who have left such wonderful messages/emails/texts all day long telling me that they are thinking about me and praying for me. From the friends that brought me such sweet gifts and sent me flowers and cards. I even received a present for your 1st birthday {which is coming up in a few weeks} from Ellie's momma.

a present for your birthday

a journal and candles

just a few of the cards i received

flowers that were sent to me

a beautiful butterfly candle holder

Chunky Monkey, thank you so much for making me a mother. Thank you for making me a better person, for teaching me all about life, love, and sacrifice. You have changed me more than you could ever know. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me, my greatest accomplishment. My only regret is that we didn't have more time together. But though our time was short, our bond is indestructible, because our love is far too great. I love you forever and always.    -Mommy

Wishing all mothers, especially my fellow BLM mothers a peaceful, gentle Mother's Day!


"Mother's Day is a day of appreciation and respect. I can think of no mothers who deserve it more than those who had to give a child back ~ Erma Bombeck

19 comments:

ASHLEY ELDER said...

Thinking of you today on Mother's Day and hopefully this day isn't too hard! :( ((Hugs))

rebecca said...

So glad you felt the love from so many, although I'm sorry you had to live Mothers Day in this way. Love the quote, thank you for sharing it! Love you so much ((hugs))

LauraJane said...

Thinking of you and sweet Julius on this mother's day. Julius has an awesome mother. :)

Megan said...

I love you... and I understand this completely! <3 :')

MrsH said...

You have wonderful friends and a wonderful husband. Thinking of you today!

BBH said...

What a beautiful post. Sending lots of love today.

Angie said...

Such a sweet letter. Love to you and Juju on your second Mother's Day. xo

Caroline said...

Beautiful , What a beautiful Mother you are.
{{HUGS}}

Rhiannon said...

I hope that you had a gently Mother's day. I am sorry that your sweet boy wasn't here to celebrate with you. I love the quote, it is beautiful. Sending love.

brigette said...

I thought of you yesterday. You are such a beautiful mother!! Thinking of you this whole month long!! Lots of love mama!

Brooke said...

I thought of you all day yesterday. I hope the day was gentle with you. I'm glad you felt love amidst all the sorrow.

TanaLee Davis said...

Tears a-comin down. Like I've said and I'll say it again. You say what my heart wants to say. Those gifts and gentle wishes are so nice. I'm glad that you were able to cope and that you see your baby in everything.

Hugs and hopes for another smooth day for you,
Felicia

Lindsay said...

I was thinking of you and so many of the women I have met over the past year and a half as yesterday approached and as the day went on. I think the quote sums it all up perfectly...we know, I daresay more than anyone else, the true beauty that the gift of motherhood is...because we've had to live life without our children...the ones who have made us mothers. You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers. We also spent some time in Ayden's garden yesterday....it was nice to be there "with him" as I was missing him so terribly.

Becky said...

beautiful letter, thinking of you and Julius...

Natasha said...

Great letter to Mr. Julius! I know he is smiling down on you with love! Sending you lots of love my friend......

The Great Elephant Symposium said...

Beautiful letter <3

fireworksandrainbows said...

The Erma Bombeck quote caught me off guard. While our stories are different, our grief is all the same. "Giving him back"...I never thought of it that way...

Happy Mothers Day to you.

Jenny said...

Been thinking about you a lot lately. Just wanted you to know.

amourningmom said...

What a beautiful post. Thank you for sharing Julius' story. I wish that I had magic words to write to make your journey easier. Please know that you are not alone. Wishing you peace. Take care.

Post a Comment