Mother's Day without You

Dear Julius,

Today is Mother's Day. Last year around this time, Daddy and I were anxiously waiting your arrival. I remember commenting to him how unfair I thought it was that he was going to celebrate Father's Day a month later the "right" way - with a baby on Earth to father, while I was going to have to wait a whole year. Little did I know... I miss you so much. I wonder how it would feel to get kisses and hugs from an 11.5 month old. I wonder what you and Daddy would have done for me to help me celebrate this day. I wonder so much about what our life passed October 12th would have been like. Unfortunately we will never get to know.

Today has been very emotional. Instead of holding you close, I did some work in your garden. I painted your name on your memorial stone. And I finally put it in your garden. Daddy and I bought some nice solar lights yesterday, and I put those in place. Instead of chasing after you, I cleaned out the garage, and did some laundry. Instead of making sure that all of your needs were met, I cleaned our room. I made sure that your spot was nice and dust-free. I lit candles around the house. This is my life after you...parenting your memory.

But, Baby, even though I feel intense sadness and pain on this day, I have felt love. I've felt love from Daddy who made me breakfast in bed and gave me a card and my favorite B&J's ice cream. I've felt love from my parents and sister who called and wished me a gentle Mother's Day. I've felt love from my wonderful friends who have left such wonderful messages/emails/texts all day long telling me that they are thinking about me and praying for me. From the friends that brought me such sweet gifts and sent me flowers and cards. I even received a present for your 1st birthday {which is coming up in a few weeks} from Ellie's momma.

a present for your birthday

a journal and candles

just a few of the cards i received

flowers that were sent to me

a beautiful butterfly candle holder

Chunky Monkey, thank you so much for making me a mother. Thank you for making me a better person, for teaching me all about life, love, and sacrifice. You have changed me more than you could ever know. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me, my greatest accomplishment. My only regret is that we didn't have more time together. But though our time was short, our bond is indestructible, because our love is far too great. I love you forever and always.    -Mommy

Wishing all mothers, especially my fellow BLM mothers a peaceful, gentle Mother's Day!


"Mother's Day is a day of appreciation and respect. I can think of no mothers who deserve it more than those who had to give a child back ~ Erma Bombeck