another may

it's been a while since i've written, and honestly, it's because i've been too overwhelmed by my emotions that i decided the best thing to do was not to acknowledge them. but that only gets you so far. and before i knew it, a minor argument with my hubby about something so trivial ended with me sobbing in bed asking the universe why it saw fit to take my son from me. so yea, that was my clue that it was about time to write...

we are almost through another may. the month of my son's birth. he would be turning 3 this year. it's hard for me to imagine the 3 year old he would have been. no doubt, he would have been the most beautiful 3 year old i would have ever laid my eyes on. but i wonder what his personality would have been like. watching his sister's personality develop is so very bittersweet. because in my heart i know he was my mellow, obedient, loving child. but i never got to see how it unfolded. i will never get to see all of those "quirks" that would have made him him. it's hard to reconcile that fact in my mind. after all this time, it's still hard to believe he is gone.

this year to celebrate Julius' birthday, we will be spending the day as a family. we plan to take baby girl to the zoo, and don our Julius the monkey gear. there will be some type of sweet treat, though i haven't really decided that yet. it's always so hard to plan how to celebrate the birthday of your child that is no longer with you. this will be my 3rd without him, and it hasn't gotten any easier. actually nothing about grieving his loss has gotten easier other than my ability to "fake it" in public. the pain is still as deep and profound, the longing still as intense. grieving your child is a lifelong process for sure.

in addition to dealing with all of the feelings surrounding Julius' birthday, i had to deal with mother's day. i still dread that day even though our baby girl is here. luckily we were at a cookout to celebrate someone's graduation from college, so i wasn't too focused on what day it was. and only had to deal with one comment/question about it being my 1st mother's day. on the whole the day wasn't too bad.

and as if those 2 events weren't enough, we also moved this month. we moved from our 1st house - the house that has been there for us through the birth of both of our children, and the death of our son. the house that has seen us at our absolute worst, and has sheltered and protected us. we had that house built, and picked out the colors of everything. it was my personal sanctuary, and i was very attached to it. but in the end, we had to move. it's really hard to think about the fact that i won't have memories of Julius alive in our new place. i know he is still with us, but it's different. and that difference makes it so painfully hard to bear.

let me give your heart a break

yesterday while listening to the radio, a line in one of the songs i was listening to caught my attention: "let me give your heart a break."

as yet another mother's day descends upon us, that is what i wish i could do for all of my fellow bereaved mothers. i wish i could give your hearts a break. i wish i could take away some of the pain that we all feel on a daily basis grieving our children. i wish that we all got a lifetime pass from ever having to deal with any kind of suffering or loss again after losing our children.

but unfortunately that is not the case. i don't know why but in the last couple of weeks it feels as though i have heard quite a few stories of loss, some families that have experienced this intense pain for the first time, and some families that, heartbreakingly, have had to go through the pain of loss again.

to all of you out there that are hurting:

i'm sorry.

i hope this mother's day is gentle.

i wish i could give your heart a break.

mother's day

first i want to say thank you to everyone that weighed in on my picture frame issue. i still haven't finalized what i'm going to do, but i think i'm going to do something for both of them in that corner (DIY photo canvases perhaps, thank you pinterest). and pack his picture frame away (but i think i will fill it with his birth - 4 month pictures first. i need to).

well in a few more days, may will be upon us. i almost had a panic attack in the car thinking of all the milestone days in that one month: bereaved mother's day, mother's day, baby girl turning 4 months, baby girl turning 4.5 months, Julius' birthday, and his 19 month angelversary. my goodness, if i wasn't nursing i would be tempted to stock the fridge full of wine to help me deal with this next month.

but in the midst of all the anxiety and worry, i am oddly excited for mother's day this year. this will be the 1st year that i don't feel like a fraud (and of course i'm assuming that we are all still here by then and that no major devastation has made it's way into our lives again). now before anyone has the urge to go all "polyanna" on me, please understand that i know i am and always will be a mother. even after Julius passed away i still considered myself a mother. but i felt like a phoney. i had no one to mother on this side. and so i mothered (and still do) his memory/legacy. but i desperately wanted him, and wanted so bad to do all of those things that go along with being a mother.

in 2010 i was weeks away from birthing my baby boy. in 2011 i was a bereaved mom who had JUST found out i was pregnant again for the 2nd time (my mother's day gift from my son). so i was a mother to 2 children, but neither of them were physically present. and this year i may actually get to experience my first mother's day as an earthly mom.

i've got big plans for that day, which begins with D serving me a big breakfast in bed (though i haven't mentioned that part to him). then, the lighting of Julius' candle. after that will be the presentation of gifts (i'm thinking a piece of personalized jewelry that has both of my children's names on it. again i haven't run that by D). and finally, the part that will take up the rest of the day, snuggling in bed with my little girl - that never gets old. now all i have to do is make it to that day. which sometimes seems like the hardest part.

Mother's Day without You

Dear Julius,

Today is Mother's Day. Last year around this time, Daddy and I were anxiously waiting your arrival. I remember commenting to him how unfair I thought it was that he was going to celebrate Father's Day a month later the "right" way - with a baby on Earth to father, while I was going to have to wait a whole year. Little did I know... I miss you so much. I wonder how it would feel to get kisses and hugs from an 11.5 month old. I wonder what you and Daddy would have done for me to help me celebrate this day. I wonder so much about what our life passed October 12th would have been like. Unfortunately we will never get to know.

Today has been very emotional. Instead of holding you close, I did some work in your garden. I painted your name on your memorial stone. And I finally put it in your garden. Daddy and I bought some nice solar lights yesterday, and I put those in place. Instead of chasing after you, I cleaned out the garage, and did some laundry. Instead of making sure that all of your needs were met, I cleaned our room. I made sure that your spot was nice and dust-free. I lit candles around the house. This is my life after you...parenting your memory.

But, Baby, even though I feel intense sadness and pain on this day, I have felt love. I've felt love from Daddy who made me breakfast in bed and gave me a card and my favorite B&J's ice cream. I've felt love from my parents and sister who called and wished me a gentle Mother's Day. I've felt love from my wonderful friends who have left such wonderful messages/emails/texts all day long telling me that they are thinking about me and praying for me. From the friends that brought me such sweet gifts and sent me flowers and cards. I even received a present for your 1st birthday {which is coming up in a few weeks} from Ellie's momma.

a present for your birthday

a journal and candles

just a few of the cards i received

flowers that were sent to me

a beautiful butterfly candle holder

Chunky Monkey, thank you so much for making me a mother. Thank you for making me a better person, for teaching me all about life, love, and sacrifice. You have changed me more than you could ever know. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me, my greatest accomplishment. My only regret is that we didn't have more time together. But though our time was short, our bond is indestructible, because our love is far too great. I love you forever and always.    -Mommy

Wishing all mothers, especially my fellow BLM mothers a peaceful, gentle Mother's Day!


"Mother's Day is a day of appreciation and respect. I can think of no mothers who deserve it more than those who had to give a child back ~ Erma Bombeck

The Price I'm Paying...

the other day, I came across this quote which spoke to my heart.

Grief is not a disorder, a disease or a sign of weakness. It is an emotional, physical and spiritual necessity, the price you pay for love. The only cure for grief is to grieve. ~ Earl Grollman


Grief is most definitely the price we pay for love. I pay that price daily, every time I open my eyes.

So why do we do it? Why do we love, sometimes so intensely that it hurts. So intensely that it’s hard for us to determine where the person we love ends and we begin.

Is it that we are gluttons for punishment? Is it that we don’t know any better? After Rebecca lost Lily, I remember speaking with her on the phone, telling her how strong and amazing she was {words that made me cringe when they were said to me just a few months later}, and telling her how if I were in her place, I don’t know that I would have the courage to pick myself up and go through the process of getting pregnant again.

Fast forward a few months to the horrific day we lost Julius…I remember sitting on the floor of the hospital family room – the small room that seems to get even smaller when they tell you that your child has just passed away, and I remember looking over at D and telling him that I wanted to have another child {very matter-of-factly}. Sure, at that precise moment I was probably saying it to fill the chasm in my heart that his absence had just carved out. But as time moved on, my desire to become an earthly mother again has not.

It’s odd, considering I have never really been sure of anything that I have ever done in my life. I became an engineer because, well, it’s an honest profession, and they get paid a decent wage...I guess. I decided to give parenthood a go because, well, it was the “next step” in our lives…I guess. While he was with us I thought how happy I was that we decided to become parents. Julius was so much fun. I loved everything about him, and thought he was an amazing little person. And then the day he passed away, I realized how much I really needed him. He might have technically been dependent on me for everything, but I didn’t realize how much of my life, purpose, and meaning had become intertwined with his mere existence…until he was gone. i can only hope that soon i will get the chance to start the journey to becoming an earthly mother again.

this sunday is International Babylost Mother's day, and the start of 1 of the 2 months that i now dread. my thoughts and my heart goes out to all of those mothers who have lost their babies, their children. since Juju was our 1st and only child, i will especially hold those mothers who are childless close to my heart on sunday and on mother's day the week after. and for those who are reading my blog who are not babylost parents, please take the time on sunday to tell a BLM you know that you are thinking about her and her baby{ies}. i know she would deeply appreciate it.