this is my fourth year participating in the RWIA project. here are my first, second, and third year entries. every year it seems to sneak up on me, and it's been no different this year. and yet again i find myself wondering how another year has passed without Julius.
a few months ago our family expanded yet again. Julius' baby brother, rainbow #2 (E), was born. life has been busier than ever with a newborn and a toddler at home. but grief is the friend that never goes away. and why should it? after all grief is the price you pay for love.
i have found joy again. my rainbows bring me nothing but happiness, and laughter. don't get me wrong, we still encounter the daily struggles of parenting a toddler who is too grown for her own good, and a newborn. but i'm so thankful to be experiencing those struggles. every single giggle, kiss, hug, meltdown, etc. is a blessing for me. i'm almost in tears thinking about how happy i am to be an earthly parent again. i didn't think i would ever get another chance after Julius passed away. i didn't believe i would ever enjoy life again.
just as i parent my rainbows, i find myself parenting my grief and Julius' legacy. some days grief remains in the background allowing me to breathe a bit easier. but days, like today, it has me by the throat - choking me. all it takes is one trigger to send me down a downward spiral. an article on a popular website that was supposed to be written in jest. and it would have been funny if i were anyone else but myself. planning for the baptism of E, and remembering the baptism of his older brother. or even looking at pics of my boys and realizing that i will never get to compare how they look at months 5-12.
sister is such a great sibling and she continues to be super affectionate with her baby brother, which is also bittersweet. she still doesn't quite understand what has happened. but she has taken more of an interest in the book "Someone Came Before You". she reads it frequently, and asks us to read it to her. she understands the pics in the book, and can point out that the mommy and daddy are "sad" and "crying". but she doesn't really comprehend why. and i know that my grief will take on yet another form when she does get it and begins asking questions about Julius.
so almost 4 years later, grief is still a very real part of my life. but i continue to feel more and more like i am "living" instead of just trying to get from one moment to the next. i continue to live my life focused around love and the love i have for my children. and i continue to take it one day at a time parenting all 3 of my children.
Showing posts with label right where i am. Show all posts
Showing posts with label right where i am. Show all posts
Wednesday, July 30, 2014
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
Right Where I Am 2013: 2 Years, 8 Months, and 6 Days
seriously, WTF??
that reaction pretty much sums it all up. it sums up what i thought as i scrolled through my blog list to see all of the other RWIA posts that have already been done. it sums up my feelings to the amount of time that has passed since the last time i saw my beautiful boy. it sums up feelings about the fact that i am still living this nightmare of being a bereaved mother.
how could it be? how could i have given birth to a child that isn't here anymore. some days it all feels like a dream. but i look around and see the pictures of him everywhere, and know that it's not.
last year i wrote the post a day before his 2nd birthday. our rainbow had just made it to the 4.5 month milestone in which we lost Julius, thus officially outliving him; anxiety was at an all time high, and my heart was so very heavy with worry and grief.
since then...we just celebrated his 3rd birthday {which was a difficult one for me. and i've figured that they are all pretty much going to be difficult ones because there is no way that i can adequately plan a day worthy enough for him}. his sister just turned 17 months and brings more joy/love into our lives than we ever thought we would be able to experience again.
but as she continues to grow and develop, so does her "interactions" and understanding of her brother, which brings another dimension to my grief. see all this time i have been grieving MY broken heart, and MY missing him. but more and more i feel as though i am grieving for me and rainbow. as i mentioned in a previous post, she kisses her urn with me now. and she has recently started grabbing his picture off of the entertainment center, kissing it, and saying "baby".
oh, how my heart breaks even more to see how tenderly she treats him. it aches to think of how she would act with him in person. she is such an affectionate girl. she loves love/affection, she gives kisses and hugs so generously {maybe a little to generously} to all the little kids/babies she meets. and i wonder would she be as affectionate with her older brother. it makes me angrier to know that she will never get the chance. she deserves to experience all the fun of having an older brother. he deserved to get the chance to be an older brother. but, unfortunately, it didn't happen.
my grief is still a part of me. while i am finding it easier to "live" again, instead of just merely "surviving," i can still feel the ache in my heart. i still avoid conversations about kids/families with strangers. i still avoid some parts of town that remind me too much of *that* day. i still have days in which i have to close my office door because i need to cry. i do have a lot to cry about, but my children give me so much more to smile about. and these days it's easier to smile for both of them...
that reaction pretty much sums it all up. it sums up what i thought as i scrolled through my blog list to see all of the other RWIA posts that have already been done. it sums up my feelings to the amount of time that has passed since the last time i saw my beautiful boy. it sums up feelings about the fact that i am still living this nightmare of being a bereaved mother.
how could it be? how could i have given birth to a child that isn't here anymore. some days it all feels like a dream. but i look around and see the pictures of him everywhere, and know that it's not.
last year i wrote the post a day before his 2nd birthday. our rainbow had just made it to the 4.5 month milestone in which we lost Julius, thus officially outliving him; anxiety was at an all time high, and my heart was so very heavy with worry and grief.
since then...we just celebrated his 3rd birthday {which was a difficult one for me. and i've figured that they are all pretty much going to be difficult ones because there is no way that i can adequately plan a day worthy enough for him}. his sister just turned 17 months and brings more joy/love into our lives than we ever thought we would be able to experience again.
but as she continues to grow and develop, so does her "interactions" and understanding of her brother, which brings another dimension to my grief. see all this time i have been grieving MY broken heart, and MY missing him. but more and more i feel as though i am grieving for me and rainbow. as i mentioned in a previous post, she kisses her urn with me now. and she has recently started grabbing his picture off of the entertainment center, kissing it, and saying "baby".
oh, how my heart breaks even more to see how tenderly she treats him. it aches to think of how she would act with him in person. she is such an affectionate girl. she loves love/affection, she gives kisses and hugs so generously {maybe a little to generously} to all the little kids/babies she meets. and i wonder would she be as affectionate with her older brother. it makes me angrier to know that she will never get the chance. she deserves to experience all the fun of having an older brother. he deserved to get the chance to be an older brother. but, unfortunately, it didn't happen.
my grief is still a part of me. while i am finding it easier to "live" again, instead of just merely "surviving," i can still feel the ache in my heart. i still avoid conversations about kids/families with strangers. i still avoid some parts of town that remind me too much of *that* day. i still have days in which i have to close my office door because i need to cry. i do have a lot to cry about, but my children give me so much more to smile about. and these days it's easier to smile for both of them...
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Right Where I Am: 1 year, 7 months, 3 weeks, 2 days
i don't understand how it's been almost a year since i made this post. in fact, i was so shocked when i saw that some of my blogger friends were making new posts, convinced that surely a whole year had not passed. i was wrong, it has.
so where am i on my grief journey currently? well, today is the day before my son's 2nd birthday. i'm stillbroken shattered. the past few days my heart has been heavier than normal, and i've been weepier (is that even a word?) than normal. i just miss him so intensely, and i wish more than anything that he was here with us.
this last year we have gone through so many transitions. we had just celebrated Julius' 1st birthday without him, and discovered that i was pregnant for the 2nd time weeks before i wrote the last post. since then we marked his angelversary, i gave birth to his baby sister, and she has now officially outlived him.
my grief has taken so many shapes in that year. during my pregnancy i became very withdrawn. pregnancy itself leaves a person with very little energy. but pregnancy, on top of grief left me feeling so incredibly run down. i only had enough energy to do the bear minimum. i kept myself so busy, maybe too busy, that if/when i did have "free time" it was spent laid up on the couch watching tv and trying to recouperate. i avoided people as much as i could because i just couldn't deal with the well-wishes, or questions about my pregnancy, since i was sure that those questions would lead to me telling Julius' story.
after she was born, despite being excited that she was now with us, i was full of dread. again, it's hard enough to deal with the recovery process of labor/birth and everything that goes along with breastfeeding, but to do all of that while grieving left me feeling overwhelmed. and again, we spent most of the time in the house, withdrawn from the outside world. in my mind, the countdown had begun, and i still wasn't emotionally ready to deal with the well-wishes, and superficial conversation about babies.
it has only been recently that i've been feeling that i'm finally finding my footing {though typing those words causes a surge of anxiety within me as though i'm going to jinx something}. our baby girl has been keeping us busy, and making us laugh. she has brought healing to our hearts, and joy to our home. but every single moment of happiness and shear bliss, is followed by a twinge of pain because Julius is not with us. we are missing out on so much without him. she has exponentially increased the love in our hearts, but she does not erase the pain of his loss {nor would i want her to}.
i still feel that ebb and flow of grief. some days are easier to deal with than others. because of his birthday tomorrow the days have been harder to get through. but what hasn't changed since the last time i posted is that, despite once thinking that i would never make it if anything ever happened to my child, i continue to survive this, taking things one day at a time. all the while thankful for the chance to love him, even for a short while, in person, and eternally in my heart.
so where am i on my grief journey currently? well, today is the day before my son's 2nd birthday. i'm still
this last year we have gone through so many transitions. we had just celebrated Julius' 1st birthday without him, and discovered that i was pregnant for the 2nd time weeks before i wrote the last post. since then we marked his angelversary, i gave birth to his baby sister, and she has now officially outlived him.
my grief has taken so many shapes in that year. during my pregnancy i became very withdrawn. pregnancy itself leaves a person with very little energy. but pregnancy, on top of grief left me feeling so incredibly run down. i only had enough energy to do the bear minimum. i kept myself so busy, maybe too busy, that if/when i did have "free time" it was spent laid up on the couch watching tv and trying to recouperate. i avoided people as much as i could because i just couldn't deal with the well-wishes, or questions about my pregnancy, since i was sure that those questions would lead to me telling Julius' story.
after she was born, despite being excited that she was now with us, i was full of dread. again, it's hard enough to deal with the recovery process of labor/birth and everything that goes along with breastfeeding, but to do all of that while grieving left me feeling overwhelmed. and again, we spent most of the time in the house, withdrawn from the outside world. in my mind, the countdown had begun, and i still wasn't emotionally ready to deal with the well-wishes, and superficial conversation about babies.
it has only been recently that i've been feeling that i'm finally finding my footing {though typing those words causes a surge of anxiety within me as though i'm going to jinx something}. our baby girl has been keeping us busy, and making us laugh. she has brought healing to our hearts, and joy to our home. but every single moment of happiness and shear bliss, is followed by a twinge of pain because Julius is not with us. we are missing out on so much without him. she has exponentially increased the love in our hearts, but she does not erase the pain of his loss {nor would i want her to}.
i still feel that ebb and flow of grief. some days are easier to deal with than others. because of his birthday tomorrow the days have been harder to get through. but what hasn't changed since the last time i posted is that, despite once thinking that i would never make it if anything ever happened to my child, i continue to survive this, taking things one day at a time. all the while thankful for the chance to love him, even for a short while, in person, and eternally in my heart.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Right Where I Am: 7 Months, 3 Weeks, 6 Days
I’ve wanted to participate in Right Where I am Project intended to chronicle where I am in my grief. But with the fog that I was in during may, I didn’t think I would be able too. The last couple of days, though, I’ve been feeling more of a “calling” to just build up the strength and do it. And so I will...
It’s been 7 months, 3 weeks and 6 days (it will be 8 months on Sunday) since I lost my son. Almost 8 months since SIDS/death ripped him away from me and from my husband, and left us a forever incomplete family. How do I feel today? Angry, broken (scratch that – shattered), sadder than I have ever been in my life. His absence left a crater in our lives, a void that will never be filled. From the time I wake up every morning, I am reminded every second of the day that he is no longer with us.
What has changed? Well, I am better able to assimilate with “the others” (those that have never experienced a loss so profound). I have moments where I feel like I can hide the big “BLM” that is engraved on my forehead. And I feel like, for the most part, I have re-learned how to function as this new person, this sadder person. I can go shopping for groceries with no problems (most of the time). I can go out to eat with friends. I can make superficial conversation with the cashier at the store. I can comment on a silly post on FB. I’m even starting to form opinions on things that have absolutely nothing to do with my little family or Julius. Some of the energy that was previously taken up by deeply grieving my son is being “freed” up. Or maybe I’m just learning how to be more efficient with it – learning how to multi-task, I guess.
The other thing that has changed, which is probably the most drastic change in these 8 months, is that my heart and soul are crossing the bridge of complete and utter resentment to the land of thankfulness. Now this doesn't mean that I’m not still angered that my son is gone, that I've accepted this new reality. It doesn't mean that I’m done missing him with every fiber of my being, that I’m over the fact that I will never get to brush his curly hair, or change him, or kiss those chubby cheeks of his. Or that I wouldn’t still give my very life to bring him back.
It just means that my heart is spending more time being so very thankful for the fact that I got to know him and spend time with him at all. I’m so thankful for those 40 weeks I got to carry him and see him grow from the outside. I’m so thankful for those 4.5 months I got to watch him grow into a little person with a big personality. I’m thankful for the privilege of calling Julius my son, of loving him with all the love I never knew I had. I’m thankful for getting to see him smile, for getting to hear his laugh. I’m thankful for him. And if someone asked me right now if I would do it all over again knowing that our time would be cut so very short. I would say without any doubt or hesitation “YES.”
And that's where I am, right now...
It’s been 7 months, 3 weeks and 6 days (it will be 8 months on Sunday) since I lost my son. Almost 8 months since SIDS/death ripped him away from me and from my husband, and left us a forever incomplete family. How do I feel today? Angry, broken (scratch that – shattered), sadder than I have ever been in my life. His absence left a crater in our lives, a void that will never be filled. From the time I wake up every morning, I am reminded every second of the day that he is no longer with us.
What has changed? Well, I am better able to assimilate with “the others” (those that have never experienced a loss so profound). I have moments where I feel like I can hide the big “BLM” that is engraved on my forehead. And I feel like, for the most part, I have re-learned how to function as this new person, this sadder person. I can go shopping for groceries with no problems (most of the time). I can go out to eat with friends. I can make superficial conversation with the cashier at the store. I can comment on a silly post on FB. I’m even starting to form opinions on things that have absolutely nothing to do with my little family or Julius. Some of the energy that was previously taken up by deeply grieving my son is being “freed” up. Or maybe I’m just learning how to be more efficient with it – learning how to multi-task, I guess.
The other thing that has changed, which is probably the most drastic change in these 8 months, is that my heart and soul are crossing the bridge of complete and utter resentment to the land of thankfulness. Now this doesn't mean that I’m not still angered that my son is gone, that I've accepted this new reality. It doesn't mean that I’m done missing him with every fiber of my being, that I’m over the fact that I will never get to brush his curly hair, or change him, or kiss those chubby cheeks of his. Or that I wouldn’t still give my very life to bring him back.
It just means that my heart is spending more time being so very thankful for the fact that I got to know him and spend time with him at all. I’m so thankful for those 40 weeks I got to carry him and see him grow from the outside. I’m so thankful for those 4.5 months I got to watch him grow into a little person with a big personality. I’m thankful for the privilege of calling Julius my son, of loving him with all the love I never knew I had. I’m thankful for getting to see him smile, for getting to hear his laugh. I’m thankful for him. And if someone asked me right now if I would do it all over again knowing that our time would be cut so very short. I would say without any doubt or hesitation “YES.”
And that's where I am, right now...
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