3 years

Dear Julius,

Tomorrow will mark your 3rd angelversary. I don't understand how its has been three years. It blows my mind. You are missed and loved just as much (if not more) now than you were then. The pain of losing you is just as intense. And you have never for one second been forgotten.

Tomorrow we will spend the day doing something as a family. Hopefully we will feel up to doing something a little fun in your honor - something that we wish we had been able to experience while you were alive. And since your legacy is about love, we will make sure that whatever we end up doing tomorrow we will do with love in our hearts.

The last few days have been really difficult for me, the days leading up to the 12th always are. Just remembering what we were doing 3 years ago and how drastically different our lives are is hard. I wish more than anything that you were here with us. We all miss you so very very much.

Please be close to me tomorrow. I will definitely need you help to get through this difficult day.

Loving you always and forever,
Mommy

and the grief goes on...

just because his angelversary has passed, the load has not gotten any lighter. i still miss my son so desperately. last week i was so completely drained from all of the anticipation and stress of his angelversary that by friday i could hardly focus. i spent pretty much the entire weekend laid up on the couch, in seclusion, watching movies and pinning {my new time suck hobby since deactivating my fb acct for the 2nd time - if you're on pinterest, look me up!}.

and even though i'm over that hurdle, i'm starting to anticipate the dread of the upcoming months. this will technically be our 2nd holiday season without Juju, but since we were in such shock and denial last year, it really feels like our 1st. for the most part, we have decided to ignore the holidays once again. i know that one day i will feel up to "celebrating" again {or at least i hope}, but this year it still doesn't feel right.

i know these next couple of months will be hard, not only for myself, but also for a few of my dear BLM friends as we head for holidays and angelversaries. today, my heart is with my dear friend tiffany and her family as they mark the 1st angelversary of their amazing girl Ellie. i got the opportunity to meet tiffany and her family back in july when i went on my getaway to MN. and just like all of the BLMs that i have come to know since losing Julius, i feel a deep connection to her and her baby girl. so my heart is extra heavy today. if you get a chance, please stop by her blog and read all about her precious Ellie and say a little prayer for them.

1 year

a year has passed since i last held my baby boy. the ticker on the side has gone from counting time in months to years. it makes me sick to my stomach to see that. to realize that that much time has actually passed. it's just not right.

the few days leading up to the 12th were absolutely terrible. my heart fought hard to make time to stop, but to no avail. the 10th was a holiday from work for me, and i had planned to take off on the 12th, but at the last minute i decided to take the 11th off too. i just didn't think i would be able to concentrate if i went to work.

since D was also off on the 10th, we just spent the day together at home. on the 11th i went to a local pottery painting studio and spent some time there painting some pieces in honor of my boy.

a froggy {i know his eyes are weird, but in my defense i was distracted by the woman who walked in with her 1 yr old son planning for his 1st birthday}

my awareness ribbon

then i swung over to the local newspaper to get some copies of the paper since his memorial ad that we placed for him was in it.

his memorial ad

i stopped by ben & jerry's binge on some ice cream, because it was that sort of day. and then after D got off of work, we went bowling.

he comes with us bowling. unfortunately i sucked.

i didn't sleep well that night as the anticipation of the next day took over my thoughts. i woke up on the 12th with tears in my eyes and a very heavy heart. and after i wrote my letter to Julius, i got up and got myself dressed {a huge accomplishment in my eyes and worth mentioning}, and went to see what D was doing in the office so we could start our day. we loosely planned to spend that day together at the zoo in nashville. we wanted to do something that we would have done with Juju if he were still here with us. we wanted that day, though painful, to be about his life and honoring him. so after making breakfast, we headed on the road up to n'ville.

since there was a ton of traffic due to an accident, it took us a  little longer than usual to get up there. and by the time we arrived, it was almost lunch time and we were starving. we decided to grab something to eat close to the zoo. and with the help of urbanspoon, we discovered that there was a {highly rated} cuban restaurant close by. being half-cuban and originally from s. fla i was so excited to find this restaurant. i haven't had cuban food in a few yrs {since i was last home visiting my family}. so we stopped, and as soon as we walked in, the song "here comes the sun" by the beatles came on in the restaurant {i blogged about the importance of that song, and the beatles some months ago}. so when i heard it, i just knew that Juju was with us. we had an amazing meal {even D thoroughly enjoyed the meal and gave me credit for picking the restaurant, which he never does}.

after eating we headed over to the zoo. as soon as we got out of the car, i began 2nd guessing my decision to go to the zoo. i mean, i know that it's a family place, but i guess i didn't realize the amount of babies that would be there. it seemed like every single person had a stroller. D asked me several times on the walk up to the admission booth if i wanted to just abandon the idea, and go watch a movie instead. and i was pretty close to taking him up on his offer. but i decided that for Juju i would suck it up, and follow through. i'm not sure why, but i just really felt like we needed to do this. and honestly, i'm so glad that i did.

the amount of kids in the zoo was really suffocating at first. but D did such of good job of distracting me. we really spent the whole time being silly, and talking about Julius and what he would be doing if he were there, and just all the memories we made with him. it was a fun time. after the zoo we went and had an early dinner at another restaurant i wanted to try {i really wish we had gone back to the cuban restaurant}, and then headed home where we did a small impromptu balloon release. i'm so glad that D and i spent the day together this way. 

my "i can't believe i really have to send balloons up to my little man" face

going up to him

then yesterday i got the opportunity to honor my baby boy and spread awareness about SIDS in another unique way, but that will have to remain a secret for now. :) 

i want to say a heartfelt thank you to everyone who thought of us, said a prayer for us, sent me messages and emails. i was so overwhelmed not only by sorrow that my baby boy was no longer with us, but also by the intense love that everyone showed us. there is no way we could have had such a peaceful day without it. and not only that, but i'm so proud to say that we made our fundraising goal! we planned to raise $5k for Julius' memorial fund at CJ Foundation in 2011 for SIDS awareness and research. and because of everyone and their generosity, we not only met that goal, but we have exceeded it!! thank you all who contributed, or even considered contributing. it means so much to have you help us remember and honor our son's precious, amazing life in this way!

though i'm generally not comforted by poems that are even remotely "optimistic" or poems that have a positive spin on them because i'm still so angry about Julius not being here with us. i received a card from the wonderful people at CJ Foundation the day before Juju's angelversary with part of a poem in it that really stuck with me. and after receiving all of the love and support that we did on his angel day, i know why...

"The tide recedes but leaves behind bright seashells on the sand, the sun goes down but gentle warmth still lingers on the land. The music stops and yet it echoes on in sweet refrain...for every joy that passes, something beautiful remains." - MD Hughes

10 Months & Giveaway Winner

today is Julius' 10 month angelversary, and my heart is extra heavy. i just miss that little guy so much that it hurts. sometimes i really feel like a broken record. seriously, how many times can 1 person say "i miss him so much. i love him so much." that much never changes. that much is constant. but i did want to share some words that a dear blogger friend, and fellow SIDS mom to the most adorable little girl, Talya, wrote about my son. i get many wonderful comments about him, and i'm always so touched. but this one came yesterday when i was feeling really down, and it warmed my heart so much. she said:

"...And it's been said, but it's worth repeating: you may be biased as his mama, but Julius? Abnormally cute is an understatement. I look at your photos of him here and he RADIATES sweetness and beauty and light--so much joy in such a little person, which he got from the love of his mommy and daddy. His beauty really just shines through in the photos. I never had the honor of meeting him, Tiffany, and I am so sad and sorry and angry that he's not physically here with you now, but when I look at those photos, and see those sweet cheeks and in that gorgeous smile, I smile with him. What a love, and what a life."

what a love, what a life, indeed. and that little boy taught me so much about both.

********

now to get to the winner of my august giveaway! i can't thank you ladies enough for participating. it is such an honor for me to be able to do this. i know it's not much at all, but i hope it does bring someone a little happiness. so the winner of the custom made butterfly baby mother's necklace {chosen randomly by random.org} is comment #26 - Kayce Pearson!

so kayce, please send me an email, confirming your selections for body/wing/gem color, and info, and i will forward it on to ms. D. Antonia so she can get started on making your necklace!

Finality

some days i just can't even begin to process the finality of death. today is one of those days. i find myself staring at his pics on my desk at work trying to figure out 1) how that handsome little boy was the product of me and D {he's just abnormally cute, but i know that i'm bias}, and 2) why i will never get to see him again.

today also marks the beginning of school here, which means that summer is over, and very soon fall will begin. we are headed full force into october, and i'm absolutely terrified. that month has become the single worse month of the yr for me because of what it represents. a year? a whole year since i held him/kissed him/told him i loved him. i go back and forth between denial and the thought of planning something special for that day. everytime i start to think of what i could do, i get so overwhelmed with emotions, and shut down. so if anyone has any ideas, they would be much appreciated.

it's just so hard to comprehend how this is my reality now...

Giveaway Winner

and the winner of this month's giveaway {a $25 Uppercase Living gift certificate} is....

comment #6 - Becky!! i hope you are able to find the perfect expression to put in your nursery to honor your angel, Liam, and your future rainbows. i really love that idea! ♥ please send me an email and i will put you in touch with kylee, who will take care of everything for you.

it really does bring me some joy and comfort to be able to bring a little happiness to someone else. and today on Julius' 7 month angelversary, i need all the joy i can get. i'm still completely dumbfounded that it's been 7 months since i last held my baby boy in my arms. 7 months since i kissed his chubby little cheeks. 7 months...

it feels like an eternity and a blink of an eye all at the same time...

2 month angel-versary and candle lighting

sunday is Julius' 2 month angel-versary. i have managed to survive for 2 months without my precious baby boy. how do i feel 2 months out? lost, sad, broken, hopeless - pretty much the same emotions i have felt since the afternoon of october 12th. what has changed? i'm having more moments of being able to function and "fake it". but what/how much i can do definitely depends on the moment and my mood.

one of the support groups that i joined a few weeks after losing Julius was my local chapter of the national group The Compassionate Friends {TCF}. every year they organize, in conjunction with several other groups, a worldwide candle lighting in december during the holiday season in order to remember the children {of all ages} that have left this world, and their parents too soon. the official time of the candle lighting is from 7-8pm on december 12th. and the idea is that all around the world between the hours of 7-8pm on that day, a candle will be lit in honor and memory of your child.

D and i will be joining the members of our TCF at a local church to participate in the candle lighting, and have a night full of remembering each others' children. there will be a slideshow of pictures, readings, and music. there will also be a table set up to hold the candles, additonal photos, and sentimental objects that belonged to, or remind us of, our children. the leader of my local chapter was kind enough to send me a copy of Juju's slide that will be in the slideshow.

i know it's going to be very difficult and emotional for me to see his face and that big smile flash across the screen. but it's so nice that this candle lighting and the program that our local TCF set up falls on his 2 month angel-versary. and it's nice to know that not only will we be thinking about him on this day, but so will everyone else in the room.

so now i'd like to ask you all {friends, family, fellow BLMs, and anyone out there reading} for a favor...please light a candle between the hours of 7-8 pm sunday night {december 12} to remember, not only my baby boy Julius, but also all of those children that have left us/their parents WAY too soon. i would also like to remember your babies while we are at the candle lighting, so please leave me a comment with your little ones name(s), and i will make a list to take with me that night to set next to his candle. ♥♥ our children will be remembered now and forever!