so this guy walks into the elevator and says (i know this sounds like the start of a joke, but i assure you it's not), "you look so sad. you look like you just lost your best friend." my 1st thought was, "wow, is my face that readable." and then i thought, "yes you a$$hat, i am sad, i am miserable, i did lose my best friend. who the fark says things like that???!!!!" but i ended up just saying, "o, um, well, it's tuesday..." it's tuesday?? seriously. i've never really been good at making up things on the spot. but i definitely never thought i would have to have a retort to a comment like that.
anyway, based on my little story, i'm sure you wouldn't be surprised if i told you that these days i've been just downright pissed off. after spending much of my session yesterday with my counselor sobbing, i wasn't at all shocked when she said that i was experiencing a low point in my grief. it's been pretty apparent. i think it started a few days before father's day. D just happened to make a comment about how he wished they would stop playing father's day commercials, and it really just broke my heart, and opened my eyes a little to how much he is actually hurting (even though he doesn't often open up and tell me).
father's day came, and we ignored it. he requested that, and though i really didn't want to because i wanted him to know how amazing of a dad i think he is, i respected his wishes. but i think toward the end of the day, it all caught up with me, and i spent the last half of father's day crying, and just being overall angry. angry that it was yet another holiday that we had to bury our heads in the sand to get through. angry that there are millions of people out there that have the luxury of being oblivious to this pain (not that i wish it on anyone). angry that i no longer have that luxury. angry that i will never be complete - never. angry that my amazing child didn't get the chance to experience so much. angry that i have to find comfort in things like frogs, butterflies, etc to feel close to him instead of physically being close to him. angry that i have to stare at pictures to admire his perfection instead of just looking at him. angry that i'm still here, when he deserves life more than i do.... as you can see, i'm just angry right now.
but there has been some beauty and light to this week. yesterday a dear friend of mine had her precious rainbow baby. he was a bit early, but is healthy and beautiful. rainbows make me smile...rainbows give me hope.
Showing posts with label anger. Show all posts
Showing posts with label anger. Show all posts
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
When Bad Things Happen to Good People
a few months ago, brooke mentioned that she read the book When Bad Things Happen to Good People by harold kushner, and recommended it. i'm sure it's understandable that after a tragedy, people tend to look for the meaning behind it all. they try to comprehend why this terrible thing has happened to them. sometimes they turn there anger and blame toward others - their spouse, the daycare provider, etc. sometimes {as in my case}, they turn their anger and blame toward themselves and God. this book really helped me let go of a lot of that anger. it helped me understand that God isn't some genie granting wishes for some people - the most deserving one - but not others, like i previously thought. He doesn't sit up in heaven on a throne picking out whose child should live and whose should not. He doesn't decide which family member should be killed in a car accident, and who should live. He just isn't like that. if it were up to him, i have to believe, everyone would live and that there would be no suffering or pain. but unfortunately for us {the ones suffering and in pain}, He does not grant wishes.
sometimes things just happen for no apparent reason. sometimes tragedies befall bad people {and i think this is what society would consider "karma"}, but unfortunately tragedies happen to good people too. i'd like to consider myself a good person. one that has had something incredibly tragic and unfair happen to them. and it happened, not because i sometimes have a "potty mouth." it happened not because i wasn't in church every sunday. because i was a little short with D one day, or because i didn't give enough of my income to charity. it happened because, well because sometimes terrible, unfair, unjust things happen. it's not a punishment for anything {even though it feels like a punishment for everything}. He didn't "give me this" because i am any stronger than anyone else. He didn't give me this because i handle tragedy better, or because He knew i would do something with my pain. He's not trying to test me as a person, or as a type-A planner. He's not trying to get his agenda/point across.
all of those things that i've been made to believe because of all of the platitudes people {my past self included} say are all wrong. you know, all of the "it's all part of His plan," "He gave you this for a reason," "He doesn't give you more than you can handle." all of those trite lines that are made to give some meaning to our pain and tragedy led me to believe that He was "giving" me all of this. it led me to a place where i was very angry at God. i mean, who wouldn't be angry at someone who purposely tries to see how much you can take before you snap? that's not what a loving, caring god would do. that is just downright cruel. and it wasn't until i read the book that i realized that all of those lines can really do more harm to grievers than good.
even though the book helped me to let go of most of those misplaced feelings {hey, it's going to take some time ok}, i'm still angry. but i'm more so angry at the situation rather than at God. and i'm able to concentrate on praying to God for comfort rather than asking for my "wishes" to be granted. i'm now able to ask him for strength to pick myself up after a disappointment. and for the most part, He has provided {and continues to provide} that. He has placed such wonderful people in my path. He has given me a group of women that understand the pain of losing a child, and who tirelessly help me not feel so alone, even at those moments when i try to alienate myself. yes, with my new understanding of my God, it's pretty easy for me to see that He is present and all around me. i no longer feel "picked on" or abandoned by Him. and i'm just so thankful that i stumbled on this book when i did.
**disclaimer: all opinions of God are mine and mine alone. you free to form your own opinion of the God you believe it.**
Dear Juju,
Today is your 10 month birthday. I'm missing you so very much. And I wish with all of my heart and soul that you were here with me. Life is still pretty difficult without you. But I'm fighting hard to make it. And I hope that with your help, I will. Please stay extra close to me for the next couple of days. I desperately need the extra love. I love you so much it hurts.
Love,
Mommy
sometimes things just happen for no apparent reason. sometimes tragedies befall bad people {and i think this is what society would consider "karma"}, but unfortunately tragedies happen to good people too. i'd like to consider myself a good person. one that has had something incredibly tragic and unfair happen to them. and it happened, not because i sometimes have a "potty mouth." it happened not because i wasn't in church every sunday. because i was a little short with D one day, or because i didn't give enough of my income to charity. it happened because, well because sometimes terrible, unfair, unjust things happen. it's not a punishment for anything {even though it feels like a punishment for everything}. He didn't "give me this" because i am any stronger than anyone else. He didn't give me this because i handle tragedy better, or because He knew i would do something with my pain. He's not trying to test me as a person, or as a type-A planner. He's not trying to get his agenda/point across.
all of those things that i've been made to believe because of all of the platitudes people {my past self included} say are all wrong. you know, all of the "it's all part of His plan," "He gave you this for a reason," "He doesn't give you more than you can handle." all of those trite lines that are made to give some meaning to our pain and tragedy led me to believe that He was "giving" me all of this. it led me to a place where i was very angry at God. i mean, who wouldn't be angry at someone who purposely tries to see how much you can take before you snap? that's not what a loving, caring god would do. that is just downright cruel. and it wasn't until i read the book that i realized that all of those lines can really do more harm to grievers than good.
even though the book helped me to let go of most of those misplaced feelings {hey, it's going to take some time ok}, i'm still angry. but i'm more so angry at the situation rather than at God. and i'm able to concentrate on praying to God for comfort rather than asking for my "wishes" to be granted. i'm now able to ask him for strength to pick myself up after a disappointment. and for the most part, He has provided {and continues to provide} that. He has placed such wonderful people in my path. He has given me a group of women that understand the pain of losing a child, and who tirelessly help me not feel so alone, even at those moments when i try to alienate myself. yes, with my new understanding of my God, it's pretty easy for me to see that He is present and all around me. i no longer feel "picked on" or abandoned by Him. and i'm just so thankful that i stumbled on this book when i did.
**disclaimer: all opinions of God are mine and mine alone. you free to form your own opinion of the God you believe it.**
****
Dear Juju,
Today is your 10 month birthday. I'm missing you so very much. And I wish with all of my heart and soul that you were here with me. Life is still pretty difficult without you. But I'm fighting hard to make it. And I hope that with your help, I will. Please stay extra close to me for the next couple of days. I desperately need the extra love. I love you so much it hurts.
Love,
Mommy
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