profound words

i haven't been able to update as much as i would like to. but life has been hectic (in a great way of course). we have pretty much been cooped up in the house enjoying our time together. of course this also means that our days are blurring into each other. a typical day consists of waking up, feeding our girl, fighting with D over who gets to love on her when she isn't nursing, and sleeping. i'm sure there is some other stuff i'm leaving out, but it really isn't that important.

she has been keeping us incredibly busy. and has brought some much needed joy and laughter into our lives. it's hilarious to see her little personality develop. i see so much of Julius in her, but at the same time she makes it abundantly clear to us that she is her own person, not to be confused with her brother. she is definitely much sassier than he. and there is no doubt that, like her brother, she already has us wrapped around her finger.  

anyway, over the passed few weeks i have come across some words/passages i wanted to share. so i thought i would take a minute to do that before i forgot all together.

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i know this made it's way on several blogs, but i also wanted to post it. i know many people know franchesca from small bird studios (and the mother of Jenna). a few weeks ago, she wrote the post when you lose a baby. if you haven't read it yet, please do.

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i read this next blog post {called "on the complications of living} here.

"Sometimes I think the greatest crime perpetrated against people in pain is the idea that they need to be healed of their suffering, that their suffering is somehow an affront to non-suffering people. She’s playing the victim again, we say scornfully. Oh my god, it’s been ten years since that happened! Why doesn’t she get over it! Time, we are certain, will lead to healing, and people are just being stubborn if it doesn’t...

It means that we don’t ever heal, because we can’t. Because no matter how much you badger us, we know that it is never going to be okay, what happened. What we are going to do is learn to live with it, although sometimes we don’t even manage that very well."

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a  few weeks ago, i finished the book "knocked up, knocked down" by monica lemoine.

it's a really honest, heart-wrenching memoir of her experience dealing with several pregnancy losses and the stillbirth of their son. although we lost Julius in a different way than she lost her children, some of the things she said really resonated with me. especially this one excerpt:

"getting a grim prognosis is so bewildering compared to how i always imagined it would be, so anti-climactic...sure, you've got doctors dishing out facts and numbers - but nobody offers up any simple formulas for consuming those facts, digesting them.the bad news just gets dropped on top of your head like a big, confusing shit sundae: BOO-YA. and guess who gets to deal with the mess? not your mom, not your friends, not God, not your teacher, not your maid, not your dog. nope; it's all you. you, you, you."

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the other day i was catching up on some of the blogs that i follow, and i was so happy to see this post made by Cora's mom, Kristine. she has taken the time to write up an ebook entitled, "when a friend's baby dies (helping your friend after babyloss)" based on her experience losing Cora. i know i wish i had had this ebook to read before we lost Julius and after my dear friend rebecca lost her precious baby girl. and so many of my friends have admitted while reaching out to us, that they didn't really know what to do or say. so i think it's amazing that this resource now exists. you can download the ebook for free from her blog (the link above should take you there), or you can go to amazon and download to your kindle (i think it costs $.99 to do it that way though).

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edited to add: i knew i was going to forget about something i wanted to share. i also wanted to share brooke's post, "on choosing love again". i found myself nodding in agreement the whole time, feeling as though i could have written that post myself. of course she is much more eloquent than i. this passage especially resonated with me.

"I think now, though, that opening yourself up to the possibility of having another baby, or resigning yourself to the understanding that you won't try to have another baby, both of those are profound choices and huge acts of love.  Either way, your life has gone down a path you never wanted to travel, a path you would have resisted with every fiber of your being, kicking and screaming if you'd been given the option.  Either way, you have to find a way to look forward, to sort through the pain until you find a reason to go on.  And in order to go forward, you have to let go of something.  Not your loved one, but maybe your fear of leaving them behind.

I wanted another baby, and I know that I'm lucky to have that possibility.  Luckier than many who are equally or more deserving.  I wanted another baby because Eliza had made me a mom and that experience had changed me forever.  It was like my heart knew, even though it never really occurred to my brain, that while one child cannot replace another, the only thing that helps this kind of hurt is to experience more love.  Another love won't leave Eliza behind.  How could it, when she's wedged in that tender, broken, beautiful spot in the center of my heart?  The one that's stitched up with silver thread?"

 

i especially love the line in bold. that one line summarizes everything for me. i never knew why, when i was so unsure about everything else in my life, i was SO sure about having another child after Julius. thank you, brooke, for putting into words what i could not.

 

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 and finally i leave you with this pin that i found and that says exactly how i am feeling at this moment.

Source: Uploaded by user via Tiffany on Pinterest

When Bad Things Happen to Good People

a few months ago, brooke mentioned that she read the book When Bad Things Happen to Good People by harold kushner, and recommended it. i'm sure it's understandable that after a tragedy, people tend to look for the meaning behind it all. they try to comprehend why this terrible thing has happened to them. sometimes they turn there anger and blame toward others - their spouse, the daycare provider, etc. sometimes {as in my case}, they turn their anger and blame toward themselves and God. this book really helped me let go of a lot of that anger. it helped me understand that God isn't some genie granting wishes for some people - the most deserving one - but not others, like i previously thought. He doesn't sit up in heaven on a throne picking out whose child should live and whose should not.  He doesn't decide which family member should be killed in a car accident, and who should live. He just isn't like that. if it were up to him, i have to believe, everyone would live and that there would be no suffering or pain. but unfortunately for us {the ones suffering and in pain}, He does not grant wishes.

sometimes things just happen for no apparent reason. sometimes tragedies befall bad people {and i think this is what society would consider "karma"}, but unfortunately tragedies happen to good people too. i'd like to consider myself a good person. one that has had something incredibly tragic and unfair happen to them. and it happened, not because i sometimes have a "potty mouth." it happened not because i wasn't in church every sunday. because i was a little short with D one day, or because i didn't give enough of my income to charity. it happened because, well because sometimes terrible, unfair, unjust things happen. it's not a punishment for anything {even though it feels like a punishment for everything}. He didn't "give me this" because i am any stronger than anyone else. He didn't give me this because i handle tragedy better, or because He knew i would do something with my pain. He's not trying to test me as a person, or as a type-A planner. He's not trying to get his agenda/point across.

all of those things that i've been made to believe because of all of the platitudes people {my past self included} say are all wrong. you know, all of the "it's all part of His plan," "He gave you this for a reason," "He doesn't give you more than you can handle." all of those trite lines that are made to give some meaning to our pain and tragedy led me to believe that He was "giving" me all of this. it led me to a place where i was very angry at God. i mean, who wouldn't be angry at someone who purposely tries to see how much you can take before you snap? that's not what a loving, caring god would do. that is just downright cruel. and it wasn't until i read the book that i realized that all of those lines can really do more harm to grievers than good.

even though the book helped me to let go of most of those misplaced feelings {hey, it's going to take some time ok}, i'm still angry. but i'm more so angry at the situation rather than at God. and i'm able to concentrate on praying to God for comfort rather than asking for my "wishes" to be granted. i'm now able to ask him for strength to pick myself up after a disappointment. and for the most part, He has provided {and continues to provide} that. He has placed such wonderful people in my path. He has given me a group of women that understand the pain of losing a child, and who tirelessly help me not feel so alone, even at those moments when i try to alienate myself. yes, with my new understanding of my God, it's pretty easy for me to see that He is present and all around me. i no longer feel "picked on" or abandoned by Him. and i'm just so thankful that i stumbled on this book when i did.

**disclaimer: all opinions of God are mine and mine alone. you free to form your own opinion of the God you believe it.**

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Dear Juju,
Today is your 10 month birthday. I'm missing you so very much. And I wish with all of my heart and soul that you were here with me. Life is still pretty difficult without you. But I'm fighting hard to make it. And I hope that with your help, I will. Please stay extra close to me for the next couple of days. I desperately need the extra love. I love you so much it hurts.
Love,
Mommy

New Book: Belly Laughs by Jenny McCarthy

i figured i'd take a little break from reading "serious" pregnancy/childbirth books. so here's my next book...

revealing the naked truth about the tremendous joys, the excruciating pains, and the inevitable disfigurement that go along with pregnancy, jenny mccarthy tells you what you can really expect when you're expecting! from morning sickness and hormonal rage, to hemorrhoids, granny panties, pregnant sex, and the torture and sweet relief that is delivery, belly laughs is must-read comic relief for anyone who is pregnant, has ever been pregnant, is trying to get pregnant, or, indeed, has ever been born!

New Book: Birthing from Within by Pam England

well this week i have hit that 2nd to 3rd tri transition that i've heard so much about, and have been completely zapped of all of my energy (and again, will to live). i've actually had a really tough time, motivationally, so i haven't been on top of my updating. in the last couple of weeks i did manage to finish both Birth Your Way and The Complete Guide to Pregnancy and Childbirth both by Sheila Kitzinger, which i will review together when i build up the motivation. so now i've moved on to my next book:


from B&N:

Here is a holistic approach to childbirth that examines this profound rite-of-passage, not as a medical event, but as an act of self-discovery. Exercises and activities such as journal writing, meditation, and painting will help mothers analyze their thoughts and face their fears during pregnancy. For use during birth, the book offers proven techniques for coping with labor pain without drugs, a discussion of the doctor or midwife’s role, and a look at the father’s responsibilities. Childbirth education should also include what do expect after the baby is born. Here are baby basics, such as how to bathe a newborn, how to get the little one to sleep, and tips for getting nursing off to a good start. Pregnancy, birth, and postpartum is a process of continuous learning and adjustment; Birthing From Within provides the necessary support and education to make each phase of birthing a rewarding experience.