grief new year

it's november. my grief new year. all of my big milestone days are done for 2012, and now the anticipation of his 3rd birthday begins. right now i am a little relieved, though, to be out of the month of october. i absolutely detest that month. but i am glad that we have all survived another october. i've wanted to blog about what we've been doing this month, but i really had no extra energy to spare.

i kept myself really busy, mostly as a distraction. it helped a bit, but when it comes down to it, nothing can make me forget the fact that my precious son passed away 2 years ago. it doesn't matter how many projects i take on.

early in october, a friend/local SIDS mom helped me plan a zumbathon to raise money for CJ Foundation and First Candle. it was so much work, planning and promoting that event, but it went SOOOO well! we had a really good turn out for our 1st zumbathon. and we raised over $500 that day. in total we raised $660 and sent $330 to both of those organizations. thank you to everyone who donated to our fundraiser!

during our zumbathon. we had over 50 people

the day of his angelversary, i really didn't have anything planned. last year we went to the zoo in nashville, and then had a little balloon release. i HAD to get out of this city on that day. this year, i didn't feel that urgency. but i did still feel the need to take off of work to stay close to my family, and i'm glad i did. we ended up going to the park that we were at the day before he passed away. the museum had FINALLY received and placed his brick the day before (after a year and a half almost), so i wanted to see it. and since it had taken so long, they generously refunded our money and gave us a 1 year membership to the museum, so we took a stroll of the museum afterward. and then had lunch at the restaurant connected to the museum that Julius and i stopped and ate at the day before he passed away. it was hard to go in, especially since i have avoided it all this time, but i'm glad we did (now my meal was a huge fail, but i'm not going to get into that one).
 

finally placed.

can't believe it's been 2 years since i kissed this boy.

our rainbow has been keeping us incredibly busy. she is on the brink of walking, and is really all over the place. her diva nature is coming out more and more. she's hilarious. so updating when i get home is just not going to happen. she requires all of my attention and focus (and i gladly oblige). but even with her at home with us, the weight of absence is GREATLY felt. and we try constantly to keep him present in our daily lives and to make it feel like we are bringing him with us instead of leaving him behind.

everyone knows my obsession with Paul Frank's Julius the monkey. well, i found this shirt at target a few weeks ago and had to buy it. there is actually a whole line of PF sleepwear. i loved it all, but just ended up getting this shirt. which worked out well, because a few days later, my amazing coworker bought me another shirt and pants. so i wear Julius to bed every night now.

and speaking of PF, i found the PF fan page on FB, and "liked" it. really i felt like an idiot for not finding it earlier. not sure why it never crossed my mind to look for it. anyway, while looking through the page, my heart just started to swell. his name, of course, was all over the page thanks to Julius the monkey. so i took a couple of minutes to write a little something on the page to let the people at PF know how much Julius means to me. and they responded!!!! i love them even more now.

Julius remembers my Julius!

i've also been working on some DIY crafts from that i've found on pinterest - DIY sharpie mug.

my Julius mug. just write on a mug with sharpie and bake in over at 350

this month was difficult, and with the holidays approaching, i know there are still difficult days ahead of me this year. i'm torn because i desperately want to experience the holiday season with our rainbow, but i miss my son, wish he were here, and hope that he isn't forgotten by anyone. i guess i just hope that our girl's presence doesn't overshadow the existence of our boy. it's just a tough balance, and i really wish i didn't have to deal with this. i just wish so much that this wasn't my reality and that Julius was here.

pic we took during our family pics in sept.

mother's day

first i want to say thank you to everyone that weighed in on my picture frame issue. i still haven't finalized what i'm going to do, but i think i'm going to do something for both of them in that corner (DIY photo canvases perhaps, thank you pinterest). and pack his picture frame away (but i think i will fill it with his birth - 4 month pictures first. i need to).

well in a few more days, may will be upon us. i almost had a panic attack in the car thinking of all the milestone days in that one month: bereaved mother's day, mother's day, baby girl turning 4 months, baby girl turning 4.5 months, Julius' birthday, and his 19 month angelversary. my goodness, if i wasn't nursing i would be tempted to stock the fridge full of wine to help me deal with this next month.

but in the midst of all the anxiety and worry, i am oddly excited for mother's day this year. this will be the 1st year that i don't feel like a fraud (and of course i'm assuming that we are all still here by then and that no major devastation has made it's way into our lives again). now before anyone has the urge to go all "polyanna" on me, please understand that i know i am and always will be a mother. even after Julius passed away i still considered myself a mother. but i felt like a phoney. i had no one to mother on this side. and so i mothered (and still do) his memory/legacy. but i desperately wanted him, and wanted so bad to do all of those things that go along with being a mother.

in 2010 i was weeks away from birthing my baby boy. in 2011 i was a bereaved mom who had JUST found out i was pregnant again for the 2nd time (my mother's day gift from my son). so i was a mother to 2 children, but neither of them were physically present. and this year i may actually get to experience my first mother's day as an earthly mom.

i've got big plans for that day, which begins with D serving me a big breakfast in bed (though i haven't mentioned that part to him). then, the lighting of Julius' candle. after that will be the presentation of gifts (i'm thinking a piece of personalized jewelry that has both of my children's names on it. again i haven't run that by D). and finally, the part that will take up the rest of the day, snuggling in bed with my little girl - that never gets old. now all i have to do is make it to that day. which sometimes seems like the hardest part.

profound words

i haven't been able to update as much as i would like to. but life has been hectic (in a great way of course). we have pretty much been cooped up in the house enjoying our time together. of course this also means that our days are blurring into each other. a typical day consists of waking up, feeding our girl, fighting with D over who gets to love on her when she isn't nursing, and sleeping. i'm sure there is some other stuff i'm leaving out, but it really isn't that important.

she has been keeping us incredibly busy. and has brought some much needed joy and laughter into our lives. it's hilarious to see her little personality develop. i see so much of Julius in her, but at the same time she makes it abundantly clear to us that she is her own person, not to be confused with her brother. she is definitely much sassier than he. and there is no doubt that, like her brother, she already has us wrapped around her finger.  

anyway, over the passed few weeks i have come across some words/passages i wanted to share. so i thought i would take a minute to do that before i forgot all together.

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i know this made it's way on several blogs, but i also wanted to post it. i know many people know franchesca from small bird studios (and the mother of Jenna). a few weeks ago, she wrote the post when you lose a baby. if you haven't read it yet, please do.

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i read this next blog post {called "on the complications of living} here.

"Sometimes I think the greatest crime perpetrated against people in pain is the idea that they need to be healed of their suffering, that their suffering is somehow an affront to non-suffering people. She’s playing the victim again, we say scornfully. Oh my god, it’s been ten years since that happened! Why doesn’t she get over it! Time, we are certain, will lead to healing, and people are just being stubborn if it doesn’t...

It means that we don’t ever heal, because we can’t. Because no matter how much you badger us, we know that it is never going to be okay, what happened. What we are going to do is learn to live with it, although sometimes we don’t even manage that very well."

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a  few weeks ago, i finished the book "knocked up, knocked down" by monica lemoine.

it's a really honest, heart-wrenching memoir of her experience dealing with several pregnancy losses and the stillbirth of their son. although we lost Julius in a different way than she lost her children, some of the things she said really resonated with me. especially this one excerpt:

"getting a grim prognosis is so bewildering compared to how i always imagined it would be, so anti-climactic...sure, you've got doctors dishing out facts and numbers - but nobody offers up any simple formulas for consuming those facts, digesting them.the bad news just gets dropped on top of your head like a big, confusing shit sundae: BOO-YA. and guess who gets to deal with the mess? not your mom, not your friends, not God, not your teacher, not your maid, not your dog. nope; it's all you. you, you, you."

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the other day i was catching up on some of the blogs that i follow, and i was so happy to see this post made by Cora's mom, Kristine. she has taken the time to write up an ebook entitled, "when a friend's baby dies (helping your friend after babyloss)" based on her experience losing Cora. i know i wish i had had this ebook to read before we lost Julius and after my dear friend rebecca lost her precious baby girl. and so many of my friends have admitted while reaching out to us, that they didn't really know what to do or say. so i think it's amazing that this resource now exists. you can download the ebook for free from her blog (the link above should take you there), or you can go to amazon and download to your kindle (i think it costs $.99 to do it that way though).

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edited to add: i knew i was going to forget about something i wanted to share. i also wanted to share brooke's post, "on choosing love again". i found myself nodding in agreement the whole time, feeling as though i could have written that post myself. of course she is much more eloquent than i. this passage especially resonated with me.

"I think now, though, that opening yourself up to the possibility of having another baby, or resigning yourself to the understanding that you won't try to have another baby, both of those are profound choices and huge acts of love.  Either way, your life has gone down a path you never wanted to travel, a path you would have resisted with every fiber of your being, kicking and screaming if you'd been given the option.  Either way, you have to find a way to look forward, to sort through the pain until you find a reason to go on.  And in order to go forward, you have to let go of something.  Not your loved one, but maybe your fear of leaving them behind.

I wanted another baby, and I know that I'm lucky to have that possibility.  Luckier than many who are equally or more deserving.  I wanted another baby because Eliza had made me a mom and that experience had changed me forever.  It was like my heart knew, even though it never really occurred to my brain, that while one child cannot replace another, the only thing that helps this kind of hurt is to experience more love.  Another love won't leave Eliza behind.  How could it, when she's wedged in that tender, broken, beautiful spot in the center of my heart?  The one that's stitched up with silver thread?"

 

i especially love the line in bold. that one line summarizes everything for me. i never knew why, when i was so unsure about everything else in my life, i was SO sure about having another child after Julius. thank you, brooke, for putting into words what i could not.

 

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 and finally i leave you with this pin that i found and that says exactly how i am feeling at this moment.

Source: Uploaded by user via Tiffany on Pinterest

and the grief goes on...

just because his angelversary has passed, the load has not gotten any lighter. i still miss my son so desperately. last week i was so completely drained from all of the anticipation and stress of his angelversary that by friday i could hardly focus. i spent pretty much the entire weekend laid up on the couch, in seclusion, watching movies and pinning {my new time suck hobby since deactivating my fb acct for the 2nd time - if you're on pinterest, look me up!}.

and even though i'm over that hurdle, i'm starting to anticipate the dread of the upcoming months. this will technically be our 2nd holiday season without Juju, but since we were in such shock and denial last year, it really feels like our 1st. for the most part, we have decided to ignore the holidays once again. i know that one day i will feel up to "celebrating" again {or at least i hope}, but this year it still doesn't feel right.

i know these next couple of months will be hard, not only for myself, but also for a few of my dear BLM friends as we head for holidays and angelversaries. today, my heart is with my dear friend tiffany and her family as they mark the 1st angelversary of their amazing girl Ellie. i got the opportunity to meet tiffany and her family back in july when i went on my getaway to MN. and just like all of the BLMs that i have come to know since losing Julius, i feel a deep connection to her and her baby girl. so my heart is extra heavy today. if you get a chance, please stop by her blog and read all about her precious Ellie and say a little prayer for them.