Happy 3rd Birthday!

Dear Julius,

Today is your 3rd birthday. 3 years ago, I looked into your eyes for the first time. 3 year ago, my life changed drastically. 3 years ago, I was the happiest I had ever been in my life. Unbeknowst to me you were the missing piece of my puzzle.

It's so hard to live through a May 30th without you. This day, made special for you, should be celebrated by you. You should be here with us opening presents, eating too many sweets, and getting showered with love and affection.

I don't know why you aren't here with us. I don't know how I've survived this long without you. I don't know how I'm going to survive the rest of my life without you. But what I do know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, is that I love you today more than I ever thought I could. I miss you today more than I ever thought I could. And that will never change.

I try to keep today about happiness, because that is what you brought into our lives. I'm not sure if what I have planned today is something you would have liked to do. I always struggle to plan your special day because you are no longer here to celebrate. Please know that whatever we decide to do, be it big or low-key, is done with you at the center of our minds and hearts. And that will never change.

You are forever mine. I am forever yours. And that will never change.

Loving you always,
Mommy

i need you, my love

Dear Juji Muji,

I miss you. Tomorrow we will be attending the SIDS conference on behalf of our non-profit, and I'm so nervous. We've been so busy getting ready for it that it hasn't really registered what we will be doing. I'm not really sure what to expect. But I know that it will be a day of thinking of you, and what happened on the absolute worst day of our lives. It will be a day of reliving the day my heart literally broke in half. I'm hoping that I won't be asked about that day too much. But that I will get to do a lot of bragging about my firstborn baby boy, and his very meaningful life.

our display board for the conference

You aren't here with us physically, but you are deeply missed. You are constantly thought about. You are forever loved and cherished. Though your life was so incredibly short, you had such a profound, lasting impact on us and the world.

I wish I could kiss your sweet face again.

I wish I could brush your curly hair again.

I wish I could cuddle all 19lbs of your delicious chubbiness again.

I wish I could stick my nose in your neck rolls and breathe in your wonderful baby smells again.

But until then, I will keep working on things that bring me close to you. Until then, I will brag and talk about you to anyone who will listen. Until then, I will tell your little sister all about you...

the 3 of us

Help me get through tomorrow, please. Stay extra close to me and surround me with your love.

I miss you and love you so much,

Mommy

Happy 2nd Birthday!

Dear Julius,

Happy Birthday! Words fail me. Everything I want to say, I feel I have said a million times. We miss you. We love you. We wish you were here. Today we celebrate your life, the time we had with you, and the way you changed the world. I hope wherever you are, you are safe and happy and know just how much you are loved and adored. I'm incredibly proud to call you my son.

Love always,
Mommy