the conference

last week was the conference.
it was hard, but not as bad as i thought it would be.
a few people did say things that made me cringe, including 1 "everything happens for a reason" (ugh!)
but for the most part, i got to share my amazing boy with those in attendance, so it was worth it.
thank you to everyone that posted, sent me a message, or thought about us.
i felt the love surrounding me, which, no doubt, got me through the day.

our setup

manning the table

 

the 4 of us

i need you, my love

Dear Juji Muji,

I miss you. Tomorrow we will be attending the SIDS conference on behalf of our non-profit, and I'm so nervous. We've been so busy getting ready for it that it hasn't really registered what we will be doing. I'm not really sure what to expect. But I know that it will be a day of thinking of you, and what happened on the absolute worst day of our lives. It will be a day of reliving the day my heart literally broke in half. I'm hoping that I won't be asked about that day too much. But that I will get to do a lot of bragging about my firstborn baby boy, and his very meaningful life.

our display board for the conference

You aren't here with us physically, but you are deeply missed. You are constantly thought about. You are forever loved and cherished. Though your life was so incredibly short, you had such a profound, lasting impact on us and the world.

I wish I could kiss your sweet face again.

I wish I could brush your curly hair again.

I wish I could cuddle all 19lbs of your delicious chubbiness again.

I wish I could stick my nose in your neck rolls and breathe in your wonderful baby smells again.

But until then, I will keep working on things that bring me close to you. Until then, I will brag and talk about you to anyone who will listen. Until then, I will tell your little sister all about you...

the 3 of us

Help me get through tomorrow, please. Stay extra close to me and surround me with your love.

I miss you and love you so much,

Mommy

Doing Good In Juju's Name Giveaway #4

a few months ago, brooke {see i mentioned you again, brooke!} blogged about the fact that she doesn't do the daunting task of leaving her house without dressing herself in her armor of jewelry. many of the pieces of her armor are things that remind her of her baby girl, Eliza. i loved the fact that she called her jewelry her "armor." these days i feel like i'm headed for battle. i suppose in a way i am...navigating my way through grief is a constant battle. i always feel better when i put on the pieces of jewelry that remind me of my Juju - my "Juju armor." in january, my first giveaway, i gave away a bracelet similar to my Juju butterfly bracelet. today, i will giveaway another piece similar to one of my pieces of armor - my necklace. check out this post to read how it came about.

the giveaway:

this giveaway {for BLMs} is for a keepsake remembrance necklace from Lilly Ellen Designs. Here's the description...

credit

"This solid sterling silver bar comes hand stamped with the names, dates, or words or your choosing. I can fit about 7 or 8 letters on each side. This bar necklace also includes a 3/4" sterling silver disc stamped as you wish and a freshwater pearl. A Sterling Silver Ball or rolo chain is included!"

So whoever wins has a lot of decisions to make! you get to customize the disc, the 4 sides of the bar, and decide what kind of chain you would like.

how to enter:
to enter just leave me a comment telling me what pieces of jewelry are in your armor. and for a chance to enter the giveaway twice, become a follower of my blog/site In His Name, which provides support to families that have experienced a SIDS/SUID loss. and then leave a comment telling me that you are a follower. i will keep the giveaway open until midnight on Apr 11th. and announce the winner on Apr 12th, Juju's 6 month angelversary. good luck!

So humbled and proud...

well this post is going to have a very different tone than my post earlier this morning. my emotions are understandably all out of whack these days, and grief just intensifies/magnifies everything i'm feeling. but thank you all for continuing to read along and provide insight, love and support. it means so much to me.

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this afternoon, our new site In His Name had the honor of being featured on the blog Honoring Our Angels.

Monica, who lost her precious daughter Devon in november 2008 started this site as a way to provide a list of resources available to those who have lost children. she says on her blog:

"I started Honoring Our Angels to serve as a resource for all those that have lost a child. I know that after Devon passed away, I only heard about available resources through word of mouth. I searched tirelessly through the Internet to find what I was needing only to have most of my time wasted. Honoring Our Angels is that resource that I always wished I had.


I hope that you can feel connected to others that have experienced similar loss, find the resources that you are needing, and find opportunities and way of giving back and serving others that are struggling."

i know after we lost Julius, i was desperate to find resources to help me deal with the immense pain. i was blessed enough to have a very good friend that unfortunately had, herself, become a BLM. and she sent me tons of links, books, etc to help me during those first couple of weeks when i couldn't do anything for myself. but when i was "strong" enough i had to search and search for other resources, especially SIDS related resources, groups, etc. my hope is that our site may help those families affected by SIDS/SUID. i hope that we can provide them with helpful resources, put them in contact with helpful people with the SIDS community, and that we can, at the very least, walk with them on their grief journey.

Monica, i thank you for featuring our blog, giving us another amazing avenue in which to reach families in need, and providing your support to us and our little man for whom we live!

if you have experienced a loss, or know someone who has, please check out Honoring Our Angels for a list of resources available to you, and to see how you can help those in need.

so much good happening...

well, i might as well mention what my special project is now. it's already been promoted by my lovely friends and a couple of other worthy site. yay!

a few weeks ago, i received the email that put all of this in motion. a lovely woman, stephanie, and the founder of the organization Tiny Handprints contacted me. she started TH after she lost her precious 10 mo old baby boy, Jacob, in 2007; and i found her site shortly after i lost Juju. we communicated on several occasions via email, and since she was located not too far from where i live, i offered her my help any time she needed it. i was so inspired by her and her work, that i was even considering maybe persuing something similar in my area in the future {she even sent me, free of charge, 5 kits to help me get started}. well, when i received her email, i got chills thinking that Juju might have had a hand in it. she told me that she had been following my blog, and had been thinking of me {i was immediately humbled and honored}. she also went on to say that unfortunately she was going to have to close TH, and wanted to know if i wanted to, essentially, carry on the work that they started.

to say that i was even more humbled and honored would be an understatement. it left me speechless that she thought highly enough of me to ask me if i wanted to do this and carry on the legacy that Jacob started. i was also completely overwhelmed thinking of all the things that i would need to do in order to pull this off, but decided that i would do it anyway. i figured that if it had been placed in my path, it must be because Julius wants me to do it. my heart is wide open because of my son, and it's for him that i live the life that i have left on this earth. and so, In His Name was created {because well, i'm doing everything these days in Julius' name}...

we will continue to send out the "SIDS Survival Kits" that stephanie and the TH team developed to families in our immediate area (alabama and tennesse) that have been affected by SIDS. and will also be providing information, assistance, and comfort to any family that should contact us. we know first-hand how deep this pain runs, and want to be there for those who are unfortunate enough to find themselves on this dark road as well. if you would like to help, please go to In His Name and donate. all donations will be used to purchase the books that will be sent in the kits.

i also want to take some time to promote the great work and new project that franchesca from Small Bird Studios is doing. o, and did i mention that she is the sponsor of my monthly giveaway for febuary? so stop back by tomorrow to see what the giveaway is. anyway, as i mentioned before, she is a fellow BLM and lost her precious Jenna Belle in 2009. since then she has also been doing all she can to help bereaved parents, and make the world a better place in her baby girl's name. she has started the "Jenna Journal Drive" to provide new journals to NICU parents so that they have a way to record/document their memories with their precious babies while in the NICU and beyond.

journaling has always been an outlet for me, but it means even more now as it is my way to continue to stay connected with my baby boy. so when i saw her post, i knew that i also wanted to help with this. i will be collecting journals locally for this drive. if you are local to me {or even if you are not} and would like to donate a journal for the drive, please let me know. my goal is to collect at least 20 journals for franchesca and Jenna. all the journals that we send to franchesca will have a sticker inside saying that the journal was provided in memory of Julius. ♥ if you would like to send a journal or donate on your own, no problem, just click the button above and it will direct you to the post with the information.

thank you all for your support and your help. you all are amazing, and i don't know where i would be without you...♥

**updated to add that i will be sending the journals off to franchesca at the end of feb/beginning of march. so if you want to send a journal through us, let me know**

Facing the new year without Juju

earlier this week i mentioned that i had been asked to be a guest blogger for The CJ Foundation for SIDS, and wrote up a piece about my thoughts on facing the new year without Julius. it was posted on their facebook page yesterday, so i'm going to post it here as well.

************

2010 is drawing to a close. And while most of the people I know are not giving the start of 2011 another thought, I, on the other hand, am always overcome with emotion when thinking about January 1, 2011.

2011 was sure to bring my husband and I many firsts with our son - his first steps, his first words (which I’m sure would have been “mama”), and his first birthday, just to name a few. And the realization that we will not be able to experience any of those moments with him is almost suffocating. Now I have to face 365 more days of heartache and pain. 365 more days of struggling for every step, and every breath I take. I have 365 more days to add to the already 80 days I have spent ripped away from my son - the little boy I grew in my womb for 40 weeks, spent 15 hours in labor with, and loved for four and a half short months. Not only that, but 2011 offers me the chance to continue to live my life marking the milestones of his death – the one year anniversary of his passing, the day that he would be gone for more time than he was with us, etc.

And though, I have all of these feelings of deep sadness, I do feel a bit of relief. I feel relief simply because January 1st brings the end of 2010. October 12, 2010 was the single worst day of my life, a day that I am still reeling from. I feel like I have been completely betrayed by 2010. And I am so happy to finally be done with a year that has brought me to so many emotional extremes. It also means that one of my milestones, my first holiday season without my son, is over and I can breathe a little easier. I no longer have to avoid the stores, the television, the radio, or going out in public (not that I really cared about any of those things anyway). Now I can focus all of my attention on making it through the next milestone day.

Then every once in a while when I think of the start of 2011, I feel a bit hopeful. Julius made my husband and me parents. He confirmed to us that we do have the ability to care for another human being. We were so scared of becoming parents, but we found when he was born, that being a parent is the most natural and fulfilling thing we have ever done. We loved every second of our brief time with him. So we are hopeful that 2011 also offers us a chance to expand our family, to make Julius a big brother. We are hopeful that we will one day get to tell Julius’ brother or sister all about their older brother who opened our hearts and changed our lives forever. We have also decided to put some of our strength, time, effort, and money toward SIDS research and awareness. And we are hopeful that 2011 brings possibility that they are 1 step closer to finding a cause for SIDS so that one day nobody will have to lose their child in this tragic way.

Regardless of all of these feelings though, the fact still remains the same - my son is gone. It really doesn’t matter what day it is, or what year it is, nothing will ever change that fact. Every day is a struggle for us just to put one foot in front of the other. Every day we are adjusting to our new roles as bereaved parents. All we really want is to have our son back with us. But since we cannot have that, we are forced to start anew in 2011.