his day in pictures

thank you all so much for all of your thoughts and prayers, and most importantly for remembering our son with us! i could not have gotten through that day without you all. even though the weeks leading up to his birthday were so emotional, his day was peaceful {the anticipation of the day is always far worse for me than the actual day}. and i'm always determined to make his birthday a day of celebrating his life and the impact he has had on me, our family, and the world.

we spent the day in the park - "his park" - the park that he and i were at the day before he passed away. i have not been to that park since we were there last. i wasn't sure i was going to be able to do it. the plan was to go there and to find the brick that we had engraved for him through our local museum of art. in the end, we weren't able to find the brick because turns out someone dropped the ball on that and it *still* has not been placed after a year {boo!!}. but we are working with them to have that corrected asap. and we did not let it ruin his day. we actually got free admission into the museum that day while we waited for someone to research what had happened {thanks to D for deciding to make them aware of it that day like the protective daddy that he is}. and we got a little sign from him while in the museum!

when we came home, we had dinner {KFC for me}! i made his cake with fondant {though i bought the pre-rolled fondant at the craft store}.  and we spent the end of the day like we had spent the rest of the day - together as a family!



his memorial ad in the paper on his birthday

me and little sis in the park

Julius making his presence known to us at the museum

dinner! what i had after giving birth to my boy

the cake i made for him

inside the cake

his special candle lit for him

a million "thank you's" to everyone who sent pics with Julius' name!!!! i will be starting a photo album dedicated to all of the keepsake pictures i have been sent. if you would like to help me fill his album, i would be forever grateful. just send the pics to me and i will add them in!

thank you mary!

thank you mary!

thank you melissa and Charlotte!

thank you chantel!

thank you lauren!

thank you rona!

thank you brooke!

thank you rebecca!

thank you beth!

October Giveaway

i'm a wreck today. i knew i would be. i feel the giant lump in my throat because tomorrow is the start of the worst month of the year for me. it's coming, i know it, and there's nothing i can do about it. so i decided that while i had just a little bit of energy, i would go ahead and post the october giveaway now.

i really struggled with what to do for this giveaway. i mean really. i had absolutely no clue. but then a couple of days ago, it just came to me.

october is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. of course i didn't learn about it until after we had lost our precious baby boy. october 15th, 3 days after Juju's angelversary, is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. i know there are many virtual and local events going on in honor of that day. there is even a "Remembering Our Babies" ceremony that i will be going to in my local area that day. i really do think it's great that babyloss parents have this chance to celebrate the lives of their babies, but i really hate that a day/month like this even has to exist. all i really want is Julius back, and i know pretty much every babyloss parent feels the same way.

the giveaway:
so in honor of this special day/month, i will be giving away a "too beautiful for earth" t-shirt from remembering our babies

via

and an awareness pin

via

how to enter:
this giveaway is for BLMs only. all you have to do is leave a comment. i'd like to try and get the shirt and pin to the winner so they can have it by oct. 15th, so i will keep the giveaway open until oct 6th, and then announce the winner on the 7th. thanks in advance for playing along. good luck!

Merry Christmas, Baby Boy...

Dear Julius,
Merry Christmas, Baby. Today would have been your first Christmas with us, but instead you are in Heaven. It makes me so mad that we didn't even have you long enough for you to experience Christmas with us. On top of that, today is the first time since Daddy and I have lived here that it has snowed really hard. Something else that you didn't get a chance to experience. I think you would have really liked snow.

We miss you so much. It's just not right that we have to carry on without you. Why does it have to be this way? This is absolutely torturous.

Yesterday we lit a candle for you all day. It made me feel as though you were nearby. We will light a candle for you today too. And yesterday we got a few "Juju signs." My godfather and his family sent us a gorgeous angel figurine which is now sitting next to you on our dresser. Then a friend of mine sent me a picture of your name and the candle she lit for you.

"Angels are always near to those who are grieving. To whisper to them that their loved ones are safe in the hands of God"

Thank you, Christena!

I love to see your name written, Juju. The funny thing is that even though I picked your name years ago when Daddy and I were just talking about having a family in the future {your mommy is definitely a planner}, I was hesitant to agree to that name for you. I wanted your name to be perfect, so I spent almost my whole pregnancy thinking of names. Daddy just wouldn't let the name "Julius" go. He even started calling you that when we found out that you were a boy, which irritated me so much. But the name stuck, and once we decided on a first and middle name for you, we kept it a secret from everyone until you were born. The name fit you perfectly, just like you fit us perfectly. And now I love to hear it, and see it written. It means that people are thinking of you, and it's a little sign to me that you are ok.

Baby, I hope you are enjoying your first Christmas in Heaven. Ours is definitely not the same without you. We miss and love you so very much.

-Mommy

The Candle Lighting

this entire weekend was rather difficult for me, and i'm not sure why. there was nothing in particular that triggered any of the breakdowns that i had. yet i found myself crippled with sadness and grief on several occasions.

sunday was his two month angel-versary and the candle lighting. the candle light program that our local chapter TCF put on was absolutely wonderful. during the hour of the worldwide candle light, we not only lit candles to remember our children, but also watched a picture slideshow, and listened to music and readings. it was such a memorable night - emotional, but memorable. i'm so glad that i was able to take part in that. it brought me some comfort on a milestone day.

like i mentioned in one of my last post, i wanted to do something special to remember the little ones that are now in Heaven. i asked here on my blog, and on a couple of message boards that i frequent for everyone to post the names of their babies. i was so happy to get so much participation. i know some people were probably busy, and didn't get a chance to post, so i tried to the best of my ability to look up as many names as i could. i ended up with 5 sheets full of names {i added several more after i took these pics}. but of course, i sent up a prayer for little ones everywhere who have left this world, and their parents too soon.

  

here are some pics i took at the candle light.

one of the tables set up to hold the candles, pic, momentos of our children

the 3 screens set up to play the picture slideshow

Juju's station

   

D and i after we lit Juju's candle

it's just so unnatural and wrong that any of us had to be in that room last night remembering our children, but i'm glad that we were able to do that. i'm glad that we were able to remember not that our children died, but that they lived. what a great gift they are in our lives, and for that they should always be remembered. ♥

2 months of pure hell...

My dearest Juju,

I've been without you for 2 whole months. I've gone 2 months without kissing your chubby cheeks, without hugging you, without feeding you. But I haven't gone a second of these 2 months without thinking about you, and loving you. To say "I miss you" is an understatement. I long to see you, and to hold you in my arms again. It's weird that my empty arms actually feel heavier without you in them. I long to hear you laugh. I long to bathe you. I am just so lonely and so lost without you. I want to be with you again. I want you to come back so we can be a happy family again. I don't understand why you had to leave - why my baby had to leave. I absolutely hate the fact that I have to continue on in this world without you. Nothing makes sense anymore without you. Yet I am forced to carry on.

Baby tonight we will be taking part in a candle lighting to remember you. Our family and friends will be joining us and lighting candles for you too. I hope that you are able to see the light from all of the candles where ever you are. I hope you know that there are so many people in addition to your Daddy and I that are constantly thinking about you, and that love you. I wish with every part of me that you were here to see just how many people love and care for you, Baby. You are a very loved little boy. And I know that you will never be forgotten.ever.

I love you, baby boy, and I miss you so very much,
Mommy

10.11.10

a great gift

since Julius passed away, i've sheltered myself and withdrawn into my little bubble. i don't watch the news, and i rarely watch tv. i limit my time on facebook. i try only go to "safe" places {work, gym, home, rinse and repeat}. but that means that now i have absolutely NO idea what is going on in the world around me. i don't mind too much though. i actually like it this way. i can have hope this way. in my world i don't have to hear the frequent stories of despair. i don't have to hear about senseless acts of violence. i don't have to listen to people spout out hatred. i don't have to deal with ungrateful, insensitive people. no, this is the only way that i can continue on right now. so this is what i have to do for myself. however, on the flip side, that means that meaningful, worthwhile news takes a little longer to get to me. the price i pay for being sheltered, i suppose.

yesterday, a very special person passed away - Elizabeth Edwards. this woman had to deal with so much pain in her lifetime, and truly personified the words grace and beauty. i watched a video clip of an interview that was done on her, and listened to some of the things she said not only about the experience of losing her son, but also her thoughts on her own mortality, and God. i was blown away by her eloquence and maturity. she is truly an inspiration to me. i made a note of some of the things that she said that really spoke to my heart that i want to blog about more in detail later, but there was one thing she said that just *fit* my day today.

"If you know someone who has lost a child, and you're afraid to mention them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that they died--you're not reminding them. They didn't forget they died. What you're reminding them of is that you remembered that they lived, and that is a great gift."

i truly have been blessed with friends that constantly remind me that they are there for me, and that they are thinking of me, and praying for me. for that i am truly thankful. but then there are those extra moving moments when a friend will go out of their way to let you know that they care. to let me know that, even though they have not experienced a loss like this, they know and remember that my child LIVED. my friend, rebeca {not the "rebecca" that writes "the road less traveled" blog - this one i've known since grade school. *gasp* that's a long time!} sent me an email this morning saying that she had had a dream in which she spelled out Julius' name under her tree using her daughter's blocks. so when she woke up, that's what she did. and then she sent me pics...

Juju's 2 month angel-versary is fast approaching. and not a day has gone by where someone has not mentioned his name to me, or told/showed me that they remember him in some way. and that, as Elizabeth Edwards said, is "a great gift."

thank you, rebeca, for the gift you have given me today. it's amazing to think about how far we have traveled in life together - from little girls on the playground of grade school, to women with families doing the whole "adult thing". such a journey! but my journey has been made better because of you. i ♥ you!

my heart is about to burst!!!

ok, i know i'm reaching my post quota for the day, but i'm just too excited not to share what *just* hit my inbox...

the backstory:

last week there was giveaway posted on the Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope facebook page for a customized hand-painted ornament from jess at Too Beautiful for Earth: Memorial Art {coincidentally, the same jess that made my "Juju dove" that i posted about earlier - but i didn't find that out until later}. to enter you had to leave a comment saying how you were planning to honor your little one during the holiday season this year. well i posted a comment not really thinking anything because 1) we don't plan to celebrate Christmas this year, and 2) i don't typically win contests. then i completely forgot about the contest because as i mentioned before, i don't win contests. i even went to the website to take a look at the ornaments because i was seriously considering purchasing one but it got too overwhelming to look at, so i closed it and shelved the idea. on saturday a friend posted on my facebook page asking if i realized that *I* won the contest. it took a second to remember what contest she was talking about, but then i rushed right over to the FoL FB page to see if it was true. and it was!!!! i won!!!! i actually have no doubt that Juju had a hand in this. he must have. ♥

jess contacted me and let me know that i could pick any of the ornaments on her page to have customized. and as soon as i saw the heart-shaped ornament i knew i had to have it. i was meant to have that one. see, we had our baby cremated and his remains placed in a heart-shaped urn which now sits on our dresser in our bedroom.

so the only ornament that i could get to truly represent my baby was this heart-shaped one. i sent her his info and a pic of the urn. and today, she sent me a pic of the finished ornament.

Photo Credit

as soon as i saw the pic i burst into tears. to say that i love this ornament is such an understatement. i don't even have words to describe my feelings about the ornament other than to say that every time i look at the pic my heart feels like it is going to burst. i'm flooded with so many emotions right now, and can not wait to receive it. my heart is truly appreciative and "happy" at this moment. thank you again, jess, you will never know how thankful i am for you.

and even more healing...

i *just* had a small burst of energy and called my church and scheduled a mass to be said on both may 31, 2011 {the day after his birthday since the 30th was already being dedicated to someone}, and october 12, 2011 {his angel day} for Julius. to my pleasant surprise, they already had his angel day down on the calendar and were planning to say a mass anyway for him - they have been so very supportive through this whole thing. ♥

i'm so glad that i now have a way to remember him this upcoming year on these two important days. ♥♥

a little more healing...

after my post last week about what mary over at Micah's Gift did for us, a couple of things happened. the first thing that happened was that one of my friends on facebook left me a comment after reading that post that really made me think. this friend reaches out to me often to let me know that she is thinking of me, which i appreciate so much. and she has this way with words that leaves me feeling so comforted. she said,

"Though it is tragic that so many mothers are in this sisterhood, I am delighted to know there is so much sharing, creative life and beauty in what you all are doing for one another and the world."

even though i don't think i've really contributed to the sharing or creative life that she speaks of, i've been fortunate enough to come across so many women that do so much to help their fellow BLMs. they hone their creative gifts for the good of others. they help those mommas who are in desperate need to hold on to the memories of their babies. they aid in our healing, and quite possibly their own. and there is so much beauty in that. even a small gesture, can have a tremendous impact.

which brings me to the second thing that happened, jessica from Heaven's Doves contacted me to let me know about her blog, and that she would gladly create a dove for Julius if i wanted to request one. again i jumped at the chance. how could i not want my own "Juju dove"? she created his dove and sent me this pic.

thank you so much, jessica, for what you do to help BLMs, and for what you have done for me. you are a part of *my* healing, and hopefully slowly but surely this hole in my heart will start to mend.

Acts of kindness...

again i'm amazed that whenever i feel like i'm about to slip into a hole of sadness, someone swoops down to rescue me {or at least pulls me a little closer to the light}. today i want to thank 2 wonderful ladies that i had the privilege to "meet" while on my journey through grief {and whom are also on their own respective journeys through grief}.

the first person i want to thank is mary over at Micah's Gift. after she lost her precious Micah, she wrote Micah's name on a blade of wild grass so that she could essentially watch Micah grow. she now offers to write the names of fellow BLMs' angel babies in the grass, so that not only will Micah have friends, but they can all "grow" and "play" together in this patch of wild grass that is never cut. and you know me, once i came across her blog, and saw that i could have this done for Juju, I jumped at the chance. as i mentioned in my last post, i am desperate to hold onto my baby in any way, shape or form, so i'm always excited about a new opportunity to do just that. i sent mary my request, and within hours, she had written Julius' name, and sent me the pic of my "Juju grass". my heart was just overcome with love. it brings me comfort to think of Julius "playing" with Micah and friends - waiting for me. :') thank you so much, mary, for filling in some of the emptiness of my heart with love.


the next lovely lady that i would like to thank is ms. angie over at Expectations Revised. she was kind enough to give me this blog award. it still makes me blush to think that there are people out there that read {and actually *like* my blog}. so i thank you angie from the bottom of my heart for this award. i feel honored that you take time out of your day/life to read my blog, and walk with me on my journey.

The rules of this award are:

1. Link back to the person who gave it to you
2. Pass it on to five (or more) other blogs
3. Leave them a comment telling them about the award

to pass this award on to *just* 5 women/blogs would be an injustice. i have had the pleasure of discovering so many blogs that have been so inspirational to me. honestly, if i had not found these women i would have felt much more alone during this time. it has been so eye-opening to see how many women are affected by baby loss. it's just so unfair. so even though it means that i may have to take several hrs to complete #3. i'm going to recognize a lot of my fellow BLMs who's blogs i follow {and i apologize profusely to anyone i have accidentally excluded on this list}:

Lindsay at Keeping up with the Joneses
Denise at This Momma's Journey
Lindsay at The Chipmans
Rebecca at The Road Less Traveled
Megan at A Story Unfolding...
Rhiannon at For the Love of Harper
Rachel at Curls O Fred
Kam at Our New Normal
Kimberly at God Keeps His Promises
MrsH at A Second Line
Kalialani at The Butterfly Room
Organized Chaos at Abigail's Legacy of Hope
Tiffany at In the Beginning There Was Genesis
Jen at Attempting to Love Life without Her...
Trena at Free to Fly
Kristin at Dear Stevie
Littleharves at Harveys World - Remember to Breathe
Lis at Built-in Birth Control
Stephanie at Carried Through Grief
Karol at Loving Laynee
Patty at Journey of Loss, Hope and Faith
Franchesca at My Heart Song

**and to those i have recognized, please know that i do not mind one bit if you do not feel like "playing along". we are all in the midst of grief, and taking the time to post about a blog award sometimes is just NOT doable {we need to conserve all the energy we can while mourning}. i just wanted to take the time to thank you all for giving me some inspiration/motivation. i appreciate every last one of you more than you will know.**