thankfulness and sadness

thanksgiving. it's here again. another one without my son.
what will we be doing? nothing. maybe laundry. maybe some reading. i checked out a book from the library last weekend so i definitely need to get on that one.

though we won't be acknowledging this holiday, i am thankful...
first and foremost, i am thankful for my son. the beautiful person that entered the world on may 30, 2010.
the amazing little man that changed the very fiber of my being.
the poofy headed little boy that brought nothing but happiness and light into our lives every second he was here. whose memory continues to bring a smile to my face and makes my heart swell with love.

i am thankful for my hubby, D. he is the glue that is keeping me together in this world without my boy.
he is such a devoted husband and father. he's really an amazing person - so smart, loving and funny.
he makes me laugh everyday.
and he does his damnedest daily to try and fix my brokenness even though he is broken himself.

i am thankful for my family that accepts this new broken tiffany.
they may not understand what we are going through, but they are patient with us.
they have allowed us to grieve the way that we need to. they have not tried to rush us on this journey.

i am thankful for true friendship.
i may not have all the same friends i had before Julius passed away, but i know that i am surrounded by those who truly care.
they may not all be BLMs, but they continue to reach out to me and let me know that they are thinking of me and more importantly my son.
they lift me up when i am too weak to take another step.

and even though i have much to be thankful for, i am also sad - devastated even.
devastated that he is not here.
devastated that i'm not chasing around a toddler in the midst of the family activities.
devastated that he never got to know what a turkey is or what it tastes like.
broken hearted that he is gone.

i am thankful and i am sad. and that's ok.
feelings are very complicated things. and i've realized that it's perfectly acceptable to have more than 1 emotion at a time.
i've resigned myself to the fact that it will definitely be like this from now on.
for even my happiest moments will be twinged with pain because he is not here.

thinking of all of my BLMs that are missing their precious children this thanksgiving and always. hoping this holiday is gentle on you all.