Monday, November 7, 2011

what NOT to say to a bereaved parent...

"I am so glad that God chose to give me healthy children because I could not handle that"

for the love of all that is holy, please please please never say THAT!! for the record, no one said this to me, but it was said to a very close friend of mine who is also a BLM. i'm livid for her. and i'm livid for anyone else who might have ever heard something to this effect.

we did not ask for this reality! we were not give this hand in life because we could "handle" it. and it's beyond upsetting to hear otherwise. while we certainly don't want anyone else to have to deal with the pain of losing a child. it's really hurtful and thoughtless to have the good fortune of others rubbed in the face of a grieving mother. it's like adding salt to the gapping hole in our hearts.

unfortunately this is just another reason that i avoid people who do not know our story, and new social situations. i really wish that everyone was required to read a manual on how to deal with bereaved families and what to/not to say to them. it would certainly cut down on some of the unnecessary heartache. :(

19 comments:

MELISSA said...

Are you kidding me? I don't even have words for how thoughtless that comment was. I am astounded by the stupidity of people. So sorry for your friend.

Becky said...

I just don't get some people either. None of us wanted this and I'm pretty sure god didn't let our babies die because he thought we could handle it. Ugh, your poor friend.
I'm also not a big fan of people saying I prayed and prayed my baby would be okay and god answered my prayers. Well I prayed and prayed my baby would be fine also but you know what he still died.

Kelly said...

There are so many wrong things people say, and this is one of them. Related, "God only gives you what you can handle" or whatever that quote is. Clearly God does not know me that well then! I handle it cuz I have to! It's definitely not something I WANT to handle. Thanks for posting this. <3

Brooke said...

ZOMG. That's not just thoughtless. That's the most asinine thing I have ever heard. In spite of what hipsters at Target might think, I would consider myself pretty non-confrontational. But I definitely have a thing or two I'd like to say to that person. And it would probably involve the F word.

Jamia said...

Just rude! I know a lot of us feel at a loss for words for what to say, but that particular phrase should definitely be lost. I am so sorry that someone said that to your friend.

Erin said...

Just goes to show there is no limit to the stupidity and insensitivity of our fellow human beings. What is most troubling, is that people like that DO successfully reproduce and raise more idiots to populate the world.

Kimberly Shaw said...

I have no words for this. We have had some similar things said to us such as after we lost my husband's 5 month old to Shaken Baby Syndrome. Things such as "you don't want to deal with that burden for the rest of your life." Things like that just stop you from talking completely or just make you want to scream in someone's face. I pray that people will learn over time that there is such thing as a filtering system, and it IS okay to use it when speaking to people about the loss of a loved one.

Caroline said...

I'm so sorry that someone was so mean. I so wish people thought before they spoke.

SHANA said...

Aye. I've been there and I too always want to tell them that I wasn't dealt this because I could handle it! I just got dealt it and had to figure out how to live with it. Grr.

brigette said...

I saw this on FB. Can you say ridiculous. I to was angry!! Why in the heck do people say such crazy things!! I know we all hear hurtuful things and its so un-necissary when were already going through one of the hardest things in life. So awful!!

MrsH said...

how is it possible that someone have no heart and say crap like that? it makes me so angry!

Ashley said...

That comment was ridiculous! Crazy that someone would even think it, let alone say it! Wow.

LauraJane said...

Yeh, there are just so many morons in this world.

Natasha said...

People suck- what a freaking idiot.

Susan said...

Idiots. Just tell them that nearly all the bereaved parents you know had healthy children - right up until when they got sick and died.

Liz said...

Oh, Tiffany, that is such a horrible thing to say to someone who has lost a child. I will never understand the inability of some people to keep their mouth shut.

KAM said...

My pastor's wife said something similar to me while I was lying in my hospital bed. I know it wasn't meant to be mean spirited, but really, could she have any worse timing?

NewYearMum2.blogspot.com said...

What an incredibly hurtful thing for that person to say to your friend !! People just don't understand sometimes... but it's even more hurtful when they don't even make an effort to try to understand. Love to you always xoxo

Rona Fernandez said...

That comment has to be the most clueless and self-centered things anyone has ever said. Reminds me of someone in my family who shall remain nameless. I"m sorry that you and your friend had to deal with that.

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