Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Good Morning, little boy!

mornings were our time. we had a routine. when i would wake, i would get him up and sit him up on my stomach. his attention ALWAYS gravitated toward the lamp on the nightstand. he would stare at it in amazement. and i would say to him "good morning, little boy!" usually i would have to repeat that phrase about 5 times really loudly for him to look my way {never would i have imagined that i would have to compete with a lamp}. but finally after about the 5th time, he would look at me. and once it registered who i was, he would give me the biggest, gummiest smile.

most mornings i would be exhausted from our nightly feeding routine {every 1.5 to 2 hrs every day}. but as soon as he smiled at me, i forgot all about that. i'm seriously not even kidding. there was something about his smile. it refreshed me. the happiness and love he transmitted every time he smiled made me whole again. and i was ready to get our day started.

it's no wonder that mornings are very difficult for me now. most days it takes me a while to get motivated to even attempt to get out of bed. i do get to see his smile as soon as i wake, but it's because of his picture that we had blown up on canvas and placed on the wall directly across from my side of the bed. and don't get me wrong, his smile in picture form is still amazing, but there's nothing like the real thing. i do get to say "good morning, little boy" but i say it to his urn instead of to him. looking at my former rival {the lamp} on my nightstand breaks my heart.

mornings without Julius, even a year later, are so hard. how anyone can think you will ever "get over" a child is beyond me. yes, his life was short, much much too short, but the affect he had on me in that time was.....magical.

****

thinking of my dear friends brandy and brooke as they celebrate their magical children Andrew and Eliza birthdays this week without them. i'm so sorry that those amazing people aren't in your arms where they belong. but i thank them for bringing us together, and i thank them for making you both the amazing people you are today!

12 comments:

Tiffany said...

I agree TIffany- there is definitely something about Juju's smile. It's captivating and contagious!

Angie said...

Ah, there is nothing like a baby smile. Thinking of you and JuJu.

TanaLee Davis said...

I don't understand why anyone would think you or any mother could just get over the loss of a child either. But Juju has a sweet smile that makes you stare...you were blessed with a wonderful, handsome boy. Hugs mama-
Felicia

brigette said...

Beautiful post! What great memories in the morning you two have!! Praying for you as always.

Jenny said...

Juju had a wonderful smile :)
My husband always says that no matter how grumpy a child can make you, the simple act of giving up a gummy smile makes it all better and seem so trivial.

Deanna said...

definitely contagious <3

Caroline said...

Thinking of you & <3 Juju <3 {{{Hugs}}}

B. Wilson said...

I can imagine mornings being the hardest. Even though Andrew never came home to live with us, I found mornings to be the worst part of my day. It's that daily "OH YEAH" reality you have to face that's so incredibly hard, especially in the calmness of morning.

Thank you for shouting out to my little man. One year seems impossible.

Brooke said...

Mornings were the very hardest for me in the beginning. To start another day without her, feeling like I had nothing to look forward to. The fact that we even managed to get out of bed is an accomplishment in itself.

Sending much love to you from me and my "magical baby." (I like that term so much better than "angel"). Remembering Julius with you always.

Rona Fernandez said...

I love this story about Julius' and your mornings together, thank you for sharing it. I felt like that was the time that my Naima was happiest, after a nice long night's rest. She wasn't really into napping for long during the day, ironic because she passed away during a daytime nap :( I too find mornings now to be difficult, especially since my husband went back to work. No, we will never 'get over' our babies and frankly I'm glad we won't. I'll take my lifetime of sadness and grief over forgetting even the briefest moment of our love and time together. Sending you a big hug. <3

amourningmom said...

It is a fantastic and wonderful smile. I wish that you still had mornings (and every time of day) with Julius. Sending you hugs and peace. Take care.

sdarnell said...

I know this season is especially difficult. You are in my constant prayers. The way you describe his smile and these precious moments, I feel like a fly on the wall (a loving one... :). Thinking of you and Dennis. God bless you.

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