Tuesday, August 30, 2011

a day to start drinking heavily...

today has been such an emotionally draining day {and it's only noon!}. it has been one of the most difficult days since Julius passed away. today D had to go in for sinus surgery. today my rock, my biggest support needed *me* to take care of him, to be strong for him. today i had to go near the dreaded hospital {the procedure was actually done at an outpatient facility near the hospital}. today i had to pass the park where Juju and i spent the day the day before he passed away. today i had to turn my husband over to a doctor. i had to watch him be wheeled away from me. i had to wait in a waiting room for a doctor to come talk to me. i had to keep it together. and with all of the similarities and reminders, i had to try and not think of October 12th.

i'm not sure how i've kept it together this long when all i wanted to do all day was crumble, curl up into a ball and cry. this whole week leading up to today has been incredibly difficult for me {and him, this is the first time he's ever had anything like this done - he doesn't get sick often}. i'm the one usually being taken care of by him. so i'm definitely not used to this role reversal. and since Juju passed away i definitely haven't had the ability to take care of anyone but myself. but i did it, i pulled it together, and we got through it. i do wish i had a stiff drink, or sedative, or something... *sigh*

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

just a reminder...

i was all prepared to blog about how Juju's death has changed me {and i still will, i'm still working on putting it together}, but instead i think today is a good day for a little reminder {to no one in particular}.

my son is NOT a tragic story. his death is tragic. but Julius is anything other than tragic. he IS my son, a beautiful person, a beautiful soul. a little boy who was full of life, and laughter and love. he loved cuddles. he loved to be held. he loved to be talked to. he LOVED to eat. he hardly cried. he loved splashing in the water during bathtime. he loved being carried in the baby carrier. he loved being bounced to sleep on the exercise ball. he loved looking at ceiling fans, and lights, and the television. he hated bottles, and pacifiers. he had the craziest poof of hair at the top of his head. he was the clone of his father {with his mother's curly hair}. he had eyes that would light up a room, and a smile that would light up the world. he is thought of every second of every day, deeply missed and deeply loved!

he will always remain part of our family. he will always be mentioned and included as long as i am alive. he is not something to get over or move passed. he is not just a story to be forgotten. he IS my son, a beautiful person, a beautiful soul.

Sunday, August 21, 2011


yep, that about sums it up. i've lost my son. i miss him dearly. i would give anything to have him back in my arms again. i miss my son. right now, at this moment, i feel hopelessly broken. i miss my son.


Tuesday, August 16, 2011

at a crossroads...

it seems like a number of my blogger friends have posted about the topic of friendships recently. sometimes it's really strange to me how in sync (emotionally) i can be with people i've never met in person. the past couple of months i have been feeling the strong urge to re-re-evaluate my friendships and those that i let in my life. i've posted about this a couple of times throughout my grief journey. but as life continues to move forward, it is becoming more clear to me that the person i once was is never coming back. and because of that, some of the friendships i once held onto, i have to now let go of.

don't get me wrong, for the most part, i have been overwhelmed with support. and surprisingly a lot of the support came from those i least expected it. i know that death is scary to most people. i know that most people just don't know what to say to me or how to approach me. i remember so vividly being so scared to reach out to my friend, rebecca, for fear of upseting her after she lost Lily. but i did. i moved beyond my comfort zone to see how i could help her. and though it was scary for me at that time, i would have done it over and over because her friendship means that much to me. and so, even though i truly understand why some people have avoided me, and i don't hold it against them, i also have to do what is best for me, which is to remove these people from my life.

see the way i see it, if you can't be bothered to be there for me through, what i only hope is, the worst time of my life, well, then you can't be with me during the happier times either. one thing my son has taught me, is that life is too short to keep people around "just because." the quote "quality not quantity" has never taken on more meaning than now. i just haven't been able to shake the feeling that there are some people {especially on fb} that are keeping me around so that they can check out what i am doing/how i am coping. sometimes i feel like my life is "entertainment" for others, and with everything else that i am dealing with, i just cannot accept this right now. it was fine before i lost Julius, before i became a grieving mother. heck, i did it sometimes myself - friending people to see what they were up to. but i just can't anymore.

so i started the process a couple of weeks ago to remove some people from my friends list on fb and to make my profile more private. i struggled a lot with this. i discovered that some friendships i am still holding onto because of the memories i've had with these people. but in the end, i knew that i had to let go. and really up until last week i was really "content" just removing people from my fb.

but then on friday {Juju's angelversary of all freakin' days} i logged onto fb as normal, was checking in with friends, etc. and then it felt as though someone had sucker-punched me in the gut. i looked to the upper right corner of one page i landed on to see status updates for the same day last yr. that day i had posted 2 things about Julius: 1) that he started his morning off with a blowout {something he did regularly to get his day started - it was the cutest thing}, and 2) he had finally decided to try a bottle {that victory was actually short lived - he only wanted momma}. so on a day that i was already feeling down, fb helped to bring me further down.

i have been actively avoiding logging on through my computer since then because i just can't handle being constantly remind of how happy i was this time last yr. and with october fast approaching, and the thought of my status update on that fateful day, i just really can't go there. i never really considered deleting my account on fb until now. i, no doubt, have felt "hurt" by fb since Julius passed away. but it was nothing that hide, unfriend, or block couldn't take care of. but now it's different. i can't turn this off. and with all things i've been dealing with, i think it might be time to say good-bye.

i just never thought deleting my account on a website would be so hard...

Friday, August 12, 2011

10 Months & Giveaway Winner

today is Julius' 10 month angelversary, and my heart is extra heavy. i just miss that little guy so much that it hurts. sometimes i really feel like a broken record. seriously, how many times can 1 person say "i miss him so much. i love him so much." that much never changes. that much is constant. but i did want to share some words that a dear blogger friend, and fellow SIDS mom to the most adorable little girl, Talya, wrote about my son. i get many wonderful comments about him, and i'm always so touched. but this one came yesterday when i was feeling really down, and it warmed my heart so much. she said:

"...And it's been said, but it's worth repeating: you may be biased as his mama, but Julius? Abnormally cute is an understatement. I look at your photos of him here and he RADIATES sweetness and beauty and light--so much joy in such a little person, which he got from the love of his mommy and daddy. His beauty really just shines through in the photos. I never had the honor of meeting him, Tiffany, and I am so sad and sorry and angry that he's not physically here with you now, but when I look at those photos, and see those sweet cheeks and in that gorgeous smile, I smile with him. What a love, and what a life."

what a love, what a life, indeed. and that little boy taught me so much about both.

now to get to the winner of my august giveaway! i can't thank you ladies enough for participating. it is such an honor for me to be able to do this. i know it's not much at all, but i hope it does bring someone a little happiness. so the winner of the custom made butterfly baby mother's necklace {chosen randomly by random.org} is comment #26 - Kayce Pearson!

so kayce, please send me an email, confirming your selections for body/wing/gem color, and info, and i will forward it on to ms. D. Antonia so she can get started on making your necklace!

Monday, August 8, 2011


some days i just can't even begin to process the finality of death. today is one of those days. i find myself staring at his pics on my desk at work trying to figure out 1) how that handsome little boy was the product of me and D {he's just abnormally cute, but i know that i'm bias}, and 2) why i will never get to see him again.

today also marks the beginning of school here, which means that summer is over, and very soon fall will begin. we are headed full force into october, and i'm absolutely terrified. that month has become the single worse month of the yr for me because of what it represents. a year? a whole year since i held him/kissed him/told him i loved him. i go back and forth between denial and the thought of planning something special for that day. everytime i start to think of what i could do, i get so overwhelmed with emotions, and shut down. so if anyone has any ideas, they would be much appreciated.

it's just so hard to comprehend how this is my reality now...

Monday, August 1, 2011

9+ Months and Giveaway

Dear Julius,

I miss you so much, Baby. I can't believe it's been over 9 months since I last held you, or gave you a kiss. You've been gone about as long as I carried you in my tummy. How is that possible? In some ways it still feels like it was just yesterday that we left the hospital without you. We miss you more and more each day. Daddy and I really haven't been doing much these days. We continue to struggle without you, but we continue the fight to survive. This weekend we went to watch the last Harry Potter movie. There was a scene in the movie that really saddened both of us. Needless to say, I ended up having a serious breakdown after the movie was over. I hate that it's so hard for me to do simple things like watch a movie with Daddy. I hate the fact that grief affects every single aspect of my life. I hate living without you. But I know that it's because of your love and support that I do.

Loving you forever and always,

today is august 1st which means the start of a new giveaway. this is perfect timing because ever since my breakdown this weekend after the HP movie, i've been in a funk. so doing this will help brighten my day, and help me focus on the good.

i'm really excited about this giveaway. the past few months i've been almost stalking this amazing artist and her work on FB. she sculpts such amazing pieces - it's hard for me to believe that a single human can be that talented! anyway, after months of eyeing her stuff, i decided it would be really great to have one of her pieces for a giveaway. the artist i'm referring to is Ms. D. Antonia Truesdale from The Midnight Orange.

the giveaway:
so this month's giveaway {for BLMs} is for a custom made butterfly baby mother's necklace.


here's the description from her etsy store:
"These baby butterfly necklaces are designed to lay heart to heart with momma. Their wings are translucent and when the light hits them the right way, their color glows against the chest.

***Please specify body color and wing color, and gem color in the notes to seller. For the body color, I need to know whether you want a light color or deep color (aka, light blue or deep blue). I will need to choose the wing species from what I have in stock, so it will be a tender surprise for you. I will match the gem to your color preferences but will need to choose the shape of the gem from what I have in stock.***

These are very tiny hand sculpted pendants that are just about an inch in length and will come with a starter chain that is 18 inches long and silver plated. You can upgrade your chain whenever you are ready."
how to enter:
to enter, just leave a comment with your preferences for body, wing, and gem color if you should be the winner. and for an extra entry, leave an additional comment telling me which piece{s} is your fav Midnight Orange piece{s}. personally, i have been fixated on this one. i will keep the giveaway open until midnight aug 11th, and then announce the winner on aug 12th {Juju's 10 month angelversary}. good luck! ♥