Right Where I Am: 1 year, 7 months, 3 weeks, 2 days

i don't understand how it's been almost a year since i made this post. in fact, i was so shocked when i saw that some of my blogger friends were making new posts, convinced that surely a whole year had not passed. i was wrong, it has.

so where am i on my grief journey currently? well, today is the day before my son's 2nd birthday. i'm still broken shattered. the past few days my heart has been heavier than normal, and i've been weepier (is that even a word?) than normal. i just miss him so intensely, and i wish more than anything that he was here with us.

this last year we have gone through so many transitions. we had just celebrated Julius' 1st birthday without him, and discovered that i was pregnant for the 2nd time weeks before i wrote the last post. since then we marked his angelversary, i gave birth to his baby sister, and she  has now officially outlived him.

my grief has taken so many shapes in that year. during my pregnancy i became very withdrawn. pregnancy itself leaves a person with very little energy. but pregnancy, on top of grief left me feeling so incredibly run down. i only had enough energy to do the bear minimum. i kept myself so busy, maybe too busy, that if/when i did have "free time" it was spent laid up on the couch watching tv and trying to recouperate. i avoided people as much as i could because i just couldn't deal with the well-wishes, or questions about my pregnancy, since i was sure that those questions would lead to me telling Julius' story.

after she was born, despite being excited that she was now with us, i was full of dread. again, it's hard enough to deal with the recovery process of labor/birth and everything that goes along with breastfeeding, but to do all of that while grieving left me feeling overwhelmed. and again, we spent most of the time in the house, withdrawn from the outside world. in my mind, the countdown had begun, and i still wasn't emotionally ready to deal with the well-wishes, and superficial conversation about babies.

it has only been recently that i've been feeling that i'm finally finding my footing {though typing those words causes a surge of anxiety within me as though i'm going to jinx something}. our baby girl has been keeping us busy, and making us laugh. she has brought healing to our hearts, and joy to our home. but every single moment of happiness and shear bliss, is followed by a twinge of pain because Julius is not with us. we are missing out on so much without him. she has exponentially increased the love in our hearts, but she does not erase the pain of his loss {nor would i want her to}.

i still feel that ebb and flow of grief. some days are easier to deal with than others. because of his birthday tomorrow the days have been harder to get through. but what hasn't changed since the last time i posted is that, despite once thinking that i would never make it if anything ever happened to my child, i continue to survive this, taking things one day at a time. all the while thankful for the chance to love him, even for a short while, in person, and eternally in my heart.