i never said "goodbye"...

since Julius passed away, i have been beating myself up because i never got a chance to say "goodbye" to him. by the time i made it to the daycare he had already been taken to the hospital. and by the time we got to the hospital, they informed us that he was gone. i can't express to you how heartbroken i have been because i never had the opportunity to be there.

but this weekend, i saw this video of one of the keynote speakers at the 2012 TCF conference, and the words she said were so powerful, i burst into tears several times. one thing she said about saying "goodbye" is that if we had the chance to do everything again, and were given the opportunity to say something to our loved one before they passed away, would we really waste our breath on saying "goodbye". no, we would probably use that time to tell them that we love them.

oh, that choked me up! she was so right. i would say "i love you." and i am thankful that i DID have the chance to tell him that very thing when i went to feed him hours before. a little of the guilt was lifted from me when i heard those words. but how i still miss him so.

if you would like to see the powerful (and funny) closing remarks from Darcie Sims check it out below...

TCF Worldwide Candle Lighting

Julius' spot

last night was the TCF worldwide candle lighting. this was our 2nd year participating. last year it had only been 2 months since his passing when we went. this year we were a day shy of 14 months. it still stung. it was still incredibly painful to be there remembering and honoring my son in a way that NO parents wants to. i wish i could go back to the days when i knew nothing about candle lightings or TCF.

our local area chapter of TCF hosted a beautiful ceremony, as they do yearly. and so i was there again, for him. we had a candle burning there and at home for our little man, and all of the precious children who have left this world far too soon.

2 month angel-versary and candle lighting

sunday is Julius' 2 month angel-versary. i have managed to survive for 2 months without my precious baby boy. how do i feel 2 months out? lost, sad, broken, hopeless - pretty much the same emotions i have felt since the afternoon of october 12th. what has changed? i'm having more moments of being able to function and "fake it". but what/how much i can do definitely depends on the moment and my mood.

one of the support groups that i joined a few weeks after losing Julius was my local chapter of the national group The Compassionate Friends {TCF}. every year they organize, in conjunction with several other groups, a worldwide candle lighting in december during the holiday season in order to remember the children {of all ages} that have left this world, and their parents too soon. the official time of the candle lighting is from 7-8pm on december 12th. and the idea is that all around the world between the hours of 7-8pm on that day, a candle will be lit in honor and memory of your child.

D and i will be joining the members of our TCF at a local church to participate in the candle lighting, and have a night full of remembering each others' children. there will be a slideshow of pictures, readings, and music. there will also be a table set up to hold the candles, additonal photos, and sentimental objects that belonged to, or remind us of, our children. the leader of my local chapter was kind enough to send me a copy of Juju's slide that will be in the slideshow.

i know it's going to be very difficult and emotional for me to see his face and that big smile flash across the screen. but it's so nice that this candle lighting and the program that our local TCF set up falls on his 2 month angel-versary. and it's nice to know that not only will we be thinking about him on this day, but so will everyone else in the room.

so now i'd like to ask you all {friends, family, fellow BLMs, and anyone out there reading} for a favor...please light a candle between the hours of 7-8 pm sunday night {december 12} to remember, not only my baby boy Julius, but also all of those children that have left us/their parents WAY too soon. i would also like to remember your babies while we are at the candle lighting, so please leave me a comment with your little ones name(s), and i will make a list to take with me that night to set next to his candle. ♥♥ our children will be remembered now and forever!