TCF Worldwide Candle Lighting

Julius' spot

last night was the TCF worldwide candle lighting. this was our 2nd year participating. last year it had only been 2 months since his passing when we went. this year we were a day shy of 14 months. it still stung. it was still incredibly painful to be there remembering and honoring my son in a way that NO parents wants to. i wish i could go back to the days when i knew nothing about candle lightings or TCF.

our local area chapter of TCF hosted a beautiful ceremony, as they do yearly. and so i was there again, for him. we had a candle burning there and at home for our little man, and all of the precious children who have left this world far too soon.

The Candle Lighting

this entire weekend was rather difficult for me, and i'm not sure why. there was nothing in particular that triggered any of the breakdowns that i had. yet i found myself crippled with sadness and grief on several occasions.

sunday was his two month angel-versary and the candle lighting. the candle light program that our local chapter TCF put on was absolutely wonderful. during the hour of the worldwide candle light, we not only lit candles to remember our children, but also watched a picture slideshow, and listened to music and readings. it was such a memorable night - emotional, but memorable. i'm so glad that i was able to take part in that. it brought me some comfort on a milestone day.

like i mentioned in one of my last post, i wanted to do something special to remember the little ones that are now in Heaven. i asked here on my blog, and on a couple of message boards that i frequent for everyone to post the names of their babies. i was so happy to get so much participation. i know some people were probably busy, and didn't get a chance to post, so i tried to the best of my ability to look up as many names as i could. i ended up with 5 sheets full of names {i added several more after i took these pics}. but of course, i sent up a prayer for little ones everywhere who have left this world, and their parents too soon.

  

here are some pics i took at the candle light.

one of the tables set up to hold the candles, pic, momentos of our children

the 3 screens set up to play the picture slideshow

Juju's station

   

D and i after we lit Juju's candle

it's just so unnatural and wrong that any of us had to be in that room last night remembering our children, but i'm glad that we were able to do that. i'm glad that we were able to remember not that our children died, but that they lived. what a great gift they are in our lives, and for that they should always be remembered. ♥

2 months of pure hell...

My dearest Juju,

I've been without you for 2 whole months. I've gone 2 months without kissing your chubby cheeks, without hugging you, without feeding you. But I haven't gone a second of these 2 months without thinking about you, and loving you. To say "I miss you" is an understatement. I long to see you, and to hold you in my arms again. It's weird that my empty arms actually feel heavier without you in them. I long to hear you laugh. I long to bathe you. I am just so lonely and so lost without you. I want to be with you again. I want you to come back so we can be a happy family again. I don't understand why you had to leave - why my baby had to leave. I absolutely hate the fact that I have to continue on in this world without you. Nothing makes sense anymore without you. Yet I am forced to carry on.

Baby tonight we will be taking part in a candle lighting to remember you. Our family and friends will be joining us and lighting candles for you too. I hope that you are able to see the light from all of the candles where ever you are. I hope you know that there are so many people in addition to your Daddy and I that are constantly thinking about you, and that love you. I wish with every part of me that you were here to see just how many people love and care for you, Baby. You are a very loved little boy. And I know that you will never be forgotten.ever.

I love you, baby boy, and I miss you so very much,
Mommy

10.11.10

2 month angel-versary and candle lighting

sunday is Julius' 2 month angel-versary. i have managed to survive for 2 months without my precious baby boy. how do i feel 2 months out? lost, sad, broken, hopeless - pretty much the same emotions i have felt since the afternoon of october 12th. what has changed? i'm having more moments of being able to function and "fake it". but what/how much i can do definitely depends on the moment and my mood.

one of the support groups that i joined a few weeks after losing Julius was my local chapter of the national group The Compassionate Friends {TCF}. every year they organize, in conjunction with several other groups, a worldwide candle lighting in december during the holiday season in order to remember the children {of all ages} that have left this world, and their parents too soon. the official time of the candle lighting is from 7-8pm on december 12th. and the idea is that all around the world between the hours of 7-8pm on that day, a candle will be lit in honor and memory of your child.

D and i will be joining the members of our TCF at a local church to participate in the candle lighting, and have a night full of remembering each others' children. there will be a slideshow of pictures, readings, and music. there will also be a table set up to hold the candles, additonal photos, and sentimental objects that belonged to, or remind us of, our children. the leader of my local chapter was kind enough to send me a copy of Juju's slide that will be in the slideshow.

i know it's going to be very difficult and emotional for me to see his face and that big smile flash across the screen. but it's so nice that this candle lighting and the program that our local TCF set up falls on his 2 month angel-versary. and it's nice to know that not only will we be thinking about him on this day, but so will everyone else in the room.

so now i'd like to ask you all {friends, family, fellow BLMs, and anyone out there reading} for a favor...please light a candle between the hours of 7-8 pm sunday night {december 12} to remember, not only my baby boy Julius, but also all of those children that have left us/their parents WAY too soon. i would also like to remember your babies while we are at the candle lighting, so please leave me a comment with your little ones name(s), and i will make a list to take with me that night to set next to his candle. ♥♥ our children will be remembered now and forever!