Happy List Saturday (er, Monday)!

it's been a while since i did a happy list. i had every intention of doing one this weekend, but, that didn't work out too well. so i'm going to it today. better late than never, right?! we're only half-way through one of the most difficult months of the year for me {as it's Julius' birth month}, and though it most certainly has been hard, there have been some "happy" moments too. here are some of the things that have brought me some happiness recently:

1. Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope special mission. i am so incredibly honored to say that i am now an online community organizer with my dear friend, natasha, for FoLFoH! ms. natasha was in need of some help, and was so sweet to think of me. i couldn't turn it down. i would do anything to help kristin and all of the amazing women who devote so much of their time/lives to FoL. it is such a worthy meaningful cause, and one that i am now very passionate about. so i am very excited to get a chance to help out. natasha and i are planning so many wonderful things for the babyloss community. it really is a privlege for me to be able to do this. thank you natasha and kristin! ♥

2. Fundraising. we are steadily creeping our way up to our $5k goal. i can't thank everyone who has donated so far enough. this past weekend a dear friend set up a lemonade stand to raise awareness for SIDS and raise money for Julius' memorial fund at CJ Foundation. you can see pics and read her blog post here. she was able to raise $100 for his fund. i can't tell you how much it means to me that she took time out of her busy life to remember my baby boy and support our cause. just knowing that she was out there talking about our little boy, the person who changed our lives so profoundly, makes my heart swell. i think every bereaved parents worse fear is that their child will be forgotten. so thank you, rachel, for remembering our child!

on the same topic, we still have our Uppercase Living fundraiser going on this month {it will end on May 31st}. if you would like to help us reach our goal, and get something inspirational/personal for your home, please check it out. just logon to http://kyleer.uppercaseliving.net/, register for free, and check out all of their products. and make sure to mention Juju when placing your order so it will count toward our fundraiser. 15% of the total sales will be going to his fund!

3. Friends. this past friday, my face2face group got together to celebrate mother's day over dinner. i had such a wonderful time. we've started a new ritual - we now light a candle {a flameless one} during all of our functions. my amazing friend, mary, came up with the idea, and we all loved it. the candle is lit in honor of all of our babies. it's just so nice to have that extra recognition of their presence in our lives. and we have all become such a close group. really, i can not say enough great things about the women i have met through this group. they are the best! and we spend the whole night acting silly. i bought everyone a willow tree figurine {which i picked especially for them}, and it brought me so much happiness to see them open it. i just love my group! ♥

4. Brick. i can't believe i forgot about this one {i'm edited my post after publishing it}. last week, i was on another local angel mom's FB page, and i saw that she had a pic of a brick engraved with her child's name. i commented on how much i like it, and then she gave me the details about how she had it done. it's through the local museum in town, and the brick is placed along a walking path in the park downtown. so i went to the museum's website, found the information, and purchased a brick for my baby boy. the reason why this is so special to me {other than the obvious}, is that we were in that park the day before he passed away. that is the park where we had our last photo shoot together {just momma and Juju}. after our photo shoot, we went to the museum to eat at the restaurant that is there {well, i ate, he sat in his stroller}. and just had a really nice morning/afternoon together. i am so thankful that we had that time together. and even though right now i am avoid that park/museum, i know that when his brick gets placed on the path, and we go as a family to see it, it will be so very meaningful. i'm so glad i have this way to memorialize Julius.

ok, so those are just a few of the things that i have been working on, and that have brought me joy during this exceptionally difficult month. i still have 2 more weeks to go before his birthday, and yep, i'm still dreading that day. but even so, i know that must celebrate his life because it is so signifcant to me...♥

Happy List: My Friends

i had actually made up my mind yesterday that i was not going to do a happy list this week. i've had an incredibly emotional and stressful week. and as much as i needed the little boost of happiness i derive from doing the happy lists, i just could not build up the energy to type one out.

then this morning, i had another incredibly emotional experience. i found myself in a room with a nursing mother. i found myself flashing back to the day that i last held my baby boy. flashing back to the last moments i saw him alive. the last thing we did together when he was alive, the last moment i shared with him. the last time i kissed him and told him how much i loved him. it all came rushing back to me as i sat there. it all hit me in the face. i dealt with it all for a while, but then it got to be too much for me, for my heart, and i had to get out of there. i just couldn't breathe. i made it all the way home before the breakdown came {which i guess is an improvement}.

after i put myself back together again from the breakdown {with the help of my hubby and a couple of dear friends}, i realized that i did have something to be "happy" for. because during my most stressful moments this week, the ones that i could count on to help me to my feet were my friends. i have gotten so much support from my FB family, from the BLMs that i've met through blogging, and from my local support system {the Face2Face group that i co-lead}. thursday happened to be one of our get-togethers {a dinner} and a day when i was feeling particularly fragile. and they showered me with so much love and laughter that my cheeks actually hurt when i left. my cheeks hurt? i can't remember the last time i laughed that much. i can't remember the last time that i felt like my goofy self. but they brought it out of me, they helped me get there that day, they supported me.

so this happy list is dedicated to my friends, my real friends, my TRUE friends. the people that have seen me at my worst, and have stuck around anyway. the ones that are not afraid to talk to me because it might inconvenience them and their feelings. the ones that are not afraid to speak the name of my son, who is no longer with me. the ones that care about my feelings, about my hurt, about my pain even though they may also be grieving themselves. to those that have been there for me, and shown me the real meaning of the word "friendship," thank you.

"Friendship isn't about whom you have known the longest... It's about who came, and never left your side." - Unknown

my happy list

last week a dear friend of mine sent me the link to an article called "8 Tips for Feeling Happier During an Unhappy Time." i thought it was a really good article, and discovered that i had done many of the suggestions on my own already. but there was one of them that i just was not open to at all. number 1. "remind yourself of reasons to be grateful." nope! i was not about to go there. my baby boy passed away. in my world right now there are NO reasons to be grateful. so i closed the article, saved the link, and decided that maybe when i get further along in my grief journey, maybe {just maybe} then would i revisit that one.

fast forward to another email i received yesterday from fellow BLM {and one of the loveliest people on the planet} natasha saying that she was going to start "happy list saturdays" in order to remind herself that she does have things in her life to be happy about. and she asked if i would participate. and though i was still a bit hesitant, i figured if this same theme was coming up yet again, it's something that i need to embrace and do. so here i am. about to remind myself of my reasons to be grateful this week. even though today on Juju's 5 month angelversary i want to continue to sulk...

1. we'll start off with what happened last night. a few months ago i decided to sign up to co-lead a Faces of Loss Face2Face group in my area with my dear BLM friend mary. we have planned a couple of get-togethers since then, which have mostly been coffee nights. but last night we scheduled a dinner at PF Chang's. our group of 5 showed up, got seated, and shortly after, our waitress showed up to take care of us. when she saw us all together she asked "are you guys celebrating something?" i, of course, being the sarcastic cynic that i am scoffed, and kind of muttered under my breath. one of the other moms mentioned that we were celebrating the "memory of our children" {which was a much better response than the one i gave}. but i don't think our waitress heard her completely or understood, so she asked if we were "childless for the evening." which was when i finally piped up and told her that the reason that we were all together was because we had all unfortunately lost children. she was very apologetic, and we could all tell that she felt terrible for even asking the question. but honestly, i really didn't even give it a second thought since these days this happens to me more often than not. so i went about the night thoroughly enjoying the company, and enjoying the fact that i was amongst people who understood.

after dinner was done, our waitress then came out and surprised us with such a thoughtful sympathy card {signed by the entire staff that night} and gave us all complimentary desserts. to say that we were moved would be an understatement. to see that they cared that much about us and the pain we were in....there really are no words for that. i was just overwhelmed by the love and compassion they showed us all. the manager came over to our table and talked to us a bit, and expressed her sorrow about our losses. she told us how donna, our waitress, felt so bad about our situations that she felt compelled to do a little something for us to help us honor our children. i'm still just rendered speechless just thinking about what happened. 

the envelope "from your family at PF Chang's"

the inside

us with our lovely waitress (she's in the center)

2. swanky hotels and weekend getaways. out of my anger at how unfair life has been these days, i decided to plan a weekend getaway to atlanta for D and i. i booked us a room at a really swanky hotel, and i plan to do nothing but relax, eat good food, and pamper myself. i totally need a break. i feel like i'm about to crack under all of this stress. so i am looking forward to it. i have even scheduled an appointment to get my memorial tattoo. it's gonna be a good weekend!

credit

3. First Candle considers my blog a "resource." earlier this week i posted  about how my blog came to be listed on the Online Resources page over at First Candle. i'm still in shock that anyone {let alone a reputable organization like First Candle that does so much for families in need} would consider my blog a resource, but i'm not going to ask questions. i'm just going to accept that they do, and be eternally grateful.

4. giveaways. my third giveaway ends tonight, and i will be picking the winner of the personalized stationery set and matching address labels in just a few hours. i'm just so grateful that i am getting the chance to bring a smile to the face of a hurting momma.

so yea it does look like i may have a reason or two to be grateful though i still don't feel that way. but maybe if i do enough of these "happy list saturdays" i may have a change of heart.