grief new year

it's november. my grief new year. all of my big milestone days are done for 2012, and now the anticipation of his 3rd birthday begins. right now i am a little relieved, though, to be out of the month of october. i absolutely detest that month. but i am glad that we have all survived another october. i've wanted to blog about what we've been doing this month, but i really had no extra energy to spare.

i kept myself really busy, mostly as a distraction. it helped a bit, but when it comes down to it, nothing can make me forget the fact that my precious son passed away 2 years ago. it doesn't matter how many projects i take on.

early in october, a friend/local SIDS mom helped me plan a zumbathon to raise money for CJ Foundation and First Candle. it was so much work, planning and promoting that event, but it went SOOOO well! we had a really good turn out for our 1st zumbathon. and we raised over $500 that day. in total we raised $660 and sent $330 to both of those organizations. thank you to everyone who donated to our fundraiser!

during our zumbathon. we had over 50 people

the day of his angelversary, i really didn't have anything planned. last year we went to the zoo in nashville, and then had a little balloon release. i HAD to get out of this city on that day. this year, i didn't feel that urgency. but i did still feel the need to take off of work to stay close to my family, and i'm glad i did. we ended up going to the park that we were at the day before he passed away. the museum had FINALLY received and placed his brick the day before (after a year and a half almost), so i wanted to see it. and since it had taken so long, they generously refunded our money and gave us a 1 year membership to the museum, so we took a stroll of the museum afterward. and then had lunch at the restaurant connected to the museum that Julius and i stopped and ate at the day before he passed away. it was hard to go in, especially since i have avoided it all this time, but i'm glad we did (now my meal was a huge fail, but i'm not going to get into that one).
 

finally placed.

can't believe it's been 2 years since i kissed this boy.

our rainbow has been keeping us incredibly busy. she is on the brink of walking, and is really all over the place. her diva nature is coming out more and more. she's hilarious. so updating when i get home is just not going to happen. she requires all of my attention and focus (and i gladly oblige). but even with her at home with us, the weight of absence is GREATLY felt. and we try constantly to keep him present in our daily lives and to make it feel like we are bringing him with us instead of leaving him behind.

everyone knows my obsession with Paul Frank's Julius the monkey. well, i found this shirt at target a few weeks ago and had to buy it. there is actually a whole line of PF sleepwear. i loved it all, but just ended up getting this shirt. which worked out well, because a few days later, my amazing coworker bought me another shirt and pants. so i wear Julius to bed every night now.

and speaking of PF, i found the PF fan page on FB, and "liked" it. really i felt like an idiot for not finding it earlier. not sure why it never crossed my mind to look for it. anyway, while looking through the page, my heart just started to swell. his name, of course, was all over the page thanks to Julius the monkey. so i took a couple of minutes to write a little something on the page to let the people at PF know how much Julius means to me. and they responded!!!! i love them even more now.

Julius remembers my Julius!

i've also been working on some DIY crafts from that i've found on pinterest - DIY sharpie mug.

my Julius mug. just write on a mug with sharpie and bake in over at 350

this month was difficult, and with the holidays approaching, i know there are still difficult days ahead of me this year. i'm torn because i desperately want to experience the holiday season with our rainbow, but i miss my son, wish he were here, and hope that he isn't forgotten by anyone. i guess i just hope that our girl's presence doesn't overshadow the existence of our boy. it's just a tough balance, and i really wish i didn't have to deal with this. i just wish so much that this wasn't my reality and that Julius was here.

pic we took during our family pics in sept.

desperately hanging on...

going into this year, and the birth of our rainbow, though i was excited to meet her and become an earthly momma again, i was terrified of having to let go of Julius. i knew that our lives would become so wrapped up in our baby girl, and i was just worried that i wouldn't be able to "mother" Julius and his legacy the same way i did in 2011.

i have been lucky this year, in that i've been able to do several things to honor my son (including the conference we went to last month). i'm actually in the midst of planning another one. a local SIDS mom, and dear friend (and fellow Zumba instructor), and i are planning a Zumbathon "ZumbAway SIDS" that will take place on Oct 6th. 2 straight hours of zumba! and all the proceeds will be going to both First Candle and CJ Foundation for SIDS.

so if you are in the local area, please join us!! if you are not, you can still donate. just go to our site and click the donate link on the right hand side. no amount is too small, seriously!

o, and did you know that Julius has made his way to mcdonald's? my dear coworker brought me the happy meal box. i don't usually frequent there, but i just might now (well, until they stop giving away Julius toys)...

i may be a momma desperate to hold on, but i like to think that Julius is sending me a sign that he's near me - near us - always. i'd like to think that he's letting me know that i don't have to worry about ever letting him go, because he won't be letting go of me either. :')

12 Days of Christmas with You in Heaven Guest Poster

so today is my turn to be a guest poster over at Small Bird Studios. fran created the "12 days of christmas with you in heaven" as a way to help grieving families honor their loved ones and cope with this difficult holiday season. i posted my tutorial on how to make the personalized memorial candle that i made for Julius. so go check it out! i hope that it was relatively easy to follow, but if not, just send me an email and i'll try to clarify.

i also revealed my last monthly Juju giveaway...

this month is all about giving, so in honor of that, i have chosen this month's giveaway to be a $25 donation to the charity of the winner's choice {but a real charity please, no one put in for the george costanza human fund ;) }. i have a few organizations that are very meaningful to us {CJ Foundation for SIDS, and First Candle just to name a few}, and i give to them every chance i get hoping that one day no one will have to lose a child this tragic way. but i know that there are other wonderful organizations out there that do so much for others, so i'd like to do a small part to help in honor of my son and the winner's loved one.

all you have to do is leave a comment with the name of the charity you would like me to donate to if you won. i will leave the giveaway open until the 17th and then announce the winner on the 18th {the week before christmas}. good luck!

my happy list

last week a dear friend of mine sent me the link to an article called "8 Tips for Feeling Happier During an Unhappy Time." i thought it was a really good article, and discovered that i had done many of the suggestions on my own already. but there was one of them that i just was not open to at all. number 1. "remind yourself of reasons to be grateful." nope! i was not about to go there. my baby boy passed away. in my world right now there are NO reasons to be grateful. so i closed the article, saved the link, and decided that maybe when i get further along in my grief journey, maybe {just maybe} then would i revisit that one.

fast forward to another email i received yesterday from fellow BLM {and one of the loveliest people on the planet} natasha saying that she was going to start "happy list saturdays" in order to remind herself that she does have things in her life to be happy about. and she asked if i would participate. and though i was still a bit hesitant, i figured if this same theme was coming up yet again, it's something that i need to embrace and do. so here i am. about to remind myself of my reasons to be grateful this week. even though today on Juju's 5 month angelversary i want to continue to sulk...

1. we'll start off with what happened last night. a few months ago i decided to sign up to co-lead a Faces of Loss Face2Face group in my area with my dear BLM friend mary. we have planned a couple of get-togethers since then, which have mostly been coffee nights. but last night we scheduled a dinner at PF Chang's. our group of 5 showed up, got seated, and shortly after, our waitress showed up to take care of us. when she saw us all together she asked "are you guys celebrating something?" i, of course, being the sarcastic cynic that i am scoffed, and kind of muttered under my breath. one of the other moms mentioned that we were celebrating the "memory of our children" {which was a much better response than the one i gave}. but i don't think our waitress heard her completely or understood, so she asked if we were "childless for the evening." which was when i finally piped up and told her that the reason that we were all together was because we had all unfortunately lost children. she was very apologetic, and we could all tell that she felt terrible for even asking the question. but honestly, i really didn't even give it a second thought since these days this happens to me more often than not. so i went about the night thoroughly enjoying the company, and enjoying the fact that i was amongst people who understood.

after dinner was done, our waitress then came out and surprised us with such a thoughtful sympathy card {signed by the entire staff that night} and gave us all complimentary desserts. to say that we were moved would be an understatement. to see that they cared that much about us and the pain we were in....there really are no words for that. i was just overwhelmed by the love and compassion they showed us all. the manager came over to our table and talked to us a bit, and expressed her sorrow about our losses. she told us how donna, our waitress, felt so bad about our situations that she felt compelled to do a little something for us to help us honor our children. i'm still just rendered speechless just thinking about what happened. 

the envelope "from your family at PF Chang's"

the inside

us with our lovely waitress (she's in the center)

2. swanky hotels and weekend getaways. out of my anger at how unfair life has been these days, i decided to plan a weekend getaway to atlanta for D and i. i booked us a room at a really swanky hotel, and i plan to do nothing but relax, eat good food, and pamper myself. i totally need a break. i feel like i'm about to crack under all of this stress. so i am looking forward to it. i have even scheduled an appointment to get my memorial tattoo. it's gonna be a good weekend!

credit

3. First Candle considers my blog a "resource." earlier this week i posted  about how my blog came to be listed on the Online Resources page over at First Candle. i'm still in shock that anyone {let alone a reputable organization like First Candle that does so much for families in need} would consider my blog a resource, but i'm not going to ask questions. i'm just going to accept that they do, and be eternally grateful.

4. giveaways. my third giveaway ends tonight, and i will be picking the winner of the personalized stationery set and matching address labels in just a few hours. i'm just so grateful that i am getting the chance to bring a smile to the face of a hurting momma.

so yea it does look like i may have a reason or two to be grateful though i still don't feel that way. but maybe if i do enough of these "happy list saturdays" i may have a change of heart.

so very humbled...

sometimes i really have to laugh at myself when i re-read my posts. my whole blog seems to be written by 2 completely different people {which i guess it has}. the highs and lows of grief never cease to amaze {or exhaust} me. i thought by now things would be leveling out, and my moods would get a little more consistent. but that is just more proof that grief is not something that can be defined. and for the type-a planners of the world {like me} that is the scariest part.

i've gotten several emails from people who have found my blog who have commented that my words have "helped" them. now i have never.ever.ever considered myself a good writer. actually, my 11th grade english teacher once told me that i was going to "fail" her class. so that pretty much solidified in my mind that i was never going to cut it as a writer {which is guess is why i decided to become an engineer}. and though most of the time i feel like nothing i'm writing makes sense, and that i'm completely going mad. i suppose that grief and tragedy bring you a clarity that you might not have had otherwise, as in my case. or maybe, as a friend put it, my being able to express myself in words is a special gift Julius left behind for me.

whatever the case may be, i'm truly humbled that so many have found comfort in my words and Julius' story. and i thank Ms. Erin Leatherwood at First Candle today for her email asking if they could add a link to my blog on their Online Resources page. if you have not yet checked out First Candle, please do. they have so many resources for those affected {directly or indirectly} by baby loss. here is their mission statement from their website:

First Candle is a national nonprofit health organization uniting parents, caregivers and researchers nationwide with government, business and community service groups to advance infant health and survival. Together with our national network of members and partners, we are working to ensure that every baby is given the best possible chance to reach not only his or her first birthday, but many happy birthdays beyond.

i know it was such a blessing for me to be able to work with First Candle and Erin right after Julius passed away to set up his memorial fund. and they also sent us such a wonderful care/bereavement package. so needless to say, it is an amazing privlege and honor for me to have my blog on their page. it is an amazing privlege to be able to share my light, my son with people all over the world. of course, it does make me wish that i had thought of a more eloquent title for my blog. but hey, it is what it is, right?!