Last week's happy list

i've been so busy and emotionally exhausted the last few weeks, i've had little time to update my blog the way i would like. i'm always astounded at how quickly the waves of grief can come, most of the time with no warning whatsoever. friday, D and i were in a craft store, enjoying each other's company, and then mariah carey's song "one sweet day" started playing over the stereo. that is actually the 1 song that i had been actively avoiding since Julius passed away because i knew it would be a huge trigger, and there it was. it paralyzed me. i didn't know what to do - walk out of the store, stick my fingers in my ears and yell "lalala" until the song was over. so i just froze, and panicked, and begged D to help me, and he did. he pulled out his ipod and put on a completely trigger-free rap song, and all was moderately tolerable in my world again (eventually). 7 months out and the pain is still as fresh. but again last week there were a few things that brought me some happiness:

1. More Fundraising. another dear friend of mine had a yard sale on saturday and donated 100% of the proceeds to Julius' memorial fund at CJ Foundation. she raised and donated $300. her donation this weekend has put us over the halfway mark to our goal of $5k in 2011.

2. Garden decorations. while at previously mentioned craft store, i picked up a few decorations for Juju's garden - a froggy and butterfly. when i saw them i knew i had to get them. they were perfect for him.

3. A chance to remember him. i had been working closely with a clergy member at my church since Julius passed away to see what we could do to reach out to babyloss families in the parish and in the community. i started off trying to see if i could organize a support group there, but that didn't really work out. and even though the group didn't take shape the way we hoped, we still planned to put together a couple of events throughout the year to honor and remember all those precious babies that left this world too soon. the first of those events - a remembrance mass - happened last week. thursday night a beautiful mass was said in honor of all the babies that were lost during pregnancy/birth/infancy, and it makes me so proud to know that i had a part in making that happen. no, the church wasn't packed; no, it wasn't standing room only. but i could tell from looking at the faces of the people that did go that they were so moved by the gesture. i know i was. at the end of the mass each family went up and lit a candle with their baby's name on it and placed it on the table. it was so symbolic and meaningful. and it was so beautiful to see all the families that went up together to recognize those they had lost.

4. Mail. last week i got a few touching pieces of mail. my mother sent a small gift and card for Julius for his birthday. natasha sent the cutest card with his name on it and a magnet. deanna sent me the star she made for Juju that she displayed at her River's Run & Ride Rally event. and i got a notification that a friend had a butterfly released for Julius at our local botanical gardens. the same thing we did for rebecca's daughter, Lily, which i believe got to her by mail the day Juju passed away.

from natasha

5. Birthday plans. i continue to think of things to do to celebrate Juju's life on his birthday. i've decided that in addition to working in his garden, i will also make him a cake and attempt to decorate it like his urn {i have some heart-shaped baking pans}. i will also be having KFC for dinner that day {which is what i had after i gave birth to him}, donating to his memorial funds at CJ Foundation and First Candle, and releasing balloons in his honor at 3:52 pm {the time he was born}. i went to party city this past week and picked up a small helium tank for the occasion. yep, i plan to do it big. there's just no other choice for a boy as special as Juju. o, and i'm not sure if i mentioned it last time, but i contacted the local newspaper and plan for them to run a special memorial birthday ad on that day. i've already seen the proof, and i think it's going to be really special. ♥

Happy List Saturday (er, Monday)!

it's been a while since i did a happy list. i had every intention of doing one this weekend, but, that didn't work out too well. so i'm going to it today. better late than never, right?! we're only half-way through one of the most difficult months of the year for me {as it's Julius' birth month}, and though it most certainly has been hard, there have been some "happy" moments too. here are some of the things that have brought me some happiness recently:

1. Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope special mission. i am so incredibly honored to say that i am now an online community organizer with my dear friend, natasha, for FoLFoH! ms. natasha was in need of some help, and was so sweet to think of me. i couldn't turn it down. i would do anything to help kristin and all of the amazing women who devote so much of their time/lives to FoL. it is such a worthy meaningful cause, and one that i am now very passionate about. so i am very excited to get a chance to help out. natasha and i are planning so many wonderful things for the babyloss community. it really is a privlege for me to be able to do this. thank you natasha and kristin! ♥

2. Fundraising. we are steadily creeping our way up to our $5k goal. i can't thank everyone who has donated so far enough. this past weekend a dear friend set up a lemonade stand to raise awareness for SIDS and raise money for Julius' memorial fund at CJ Foundation. you can see pics and read her blog post here. she was able to raise $100 for his fund. i can't tell you how much it means to me that she took time out of her busy life to remember my baby boy and support our cause. just knowing that she was out there talking about our little boy, the person who changed our lives so profoundly, makes my heart swell. i think every bereaved parents worse fear is that their child will be forgotten. so thank you, rachel, for remembering our child!

on the same topic, we still have our Uppercase Living fundraiser going on this month {it will end on May 31st}. if you would like to help us reach our goal, and get something inspirational/personal for your home, please check it out. just logon to http://kyleer.uppercaseliving.net/, register for free, and check out all of their products. and make sure to mention Juju when placing your order so it will count toward our fundraiser. 15% of the total sales will be going to his fund!

3. Friends. this past friday, my face2face group got together to celebrate mother's day over dinner. i had such a wonderful time. we've started a new ritual - we now light a candle {a flameless one} during all of our functions. my amazing friend, mary, came up with the idea, and we all loved it. the candle is lit in honor of all of our babies. it's just so nice to have that extra recognition of their presence in our lives. and we have all become such a close group. really, i can not say enough great things about the women i have met through this group. they are the best! and we spend the whole night acting silly. i bought everyone a willow tree figurine {which i picked especially for them}, and it brought me so much happiness to see them open it. i just love my group! ♥

4. Brick. i can't believe i forgot about this one {i'm edited my post after publishing it}. last week, i was on another local angel mom's FB page, and i saw that she had a pic of a brick engraved with her child's name. i commented on how much i like it, and then she gave me the details about how she had it done. it's through the local museum in town, and the brick is placed along a walking path in the park downtown. so i went to the museum's website, found the information, and purchased a brick for my baby boy. the reason why this is so special to me {other than the obvious}, is that we were in that park the day before he passed away. that is the park where we had our last photo shoot together {just momma and Juju}. after our photo shoot, we went to the museum to eat at the restaurant that is there {well, i ate, he sat in his stroller}. and just had a really nice morning/afternoon together. i am so thankful that we had that time together. and even though right now i am avoid that park/museum, i know that when his brick gets placed on the path, and we go as a family to see it, it will be so very meaningful. i'm so glad i have this way to memorialize Julius.

ok, so those are just a few of the things that i have been working on, and that have brought me joy during this exceptionally difficult month. i still have 2 more weeks to go before his birthday, and yep, i'm still dreading that day. but even so, i know that must celebrate his life because it is so signifcant to me...♥

Happy List: My Baby Boy

first, i want to say thank you to everyone for their support and love after my last post. i was feeling quite down, and just reading all the loving messages really lifted my spirits. this has actually been a good weekend. friday, D and i spent the day up in nashville {post coming soon about that}, but we had a good time. though our first easter without Juju was difficult, it was a day spent doing things in his honor, so it was "good."

earlier this week i finally received the painting that natasha wescoat did for us. omg, it is so much more amazing in person. and it even came with it's own registration information {yep, Juju is a work of art in more ways than one ;)}. so i decided to hang it up today...

 

close up

 

i absolutely love it, and i'm so glad that i decided to contact her. though i would much rather have my baby boy back, i'm so happy to have this special tribute to him. that wall is actually the 1st thing we see when we walk out of our bedroom, so i'll be greeted by his lovely smile every morning.

i love the painting so much, that i decided to turn it into a "skin" for my phone.

i also got the memorial stone for Julius' garden earlier this week {i ordered it from Personalization Mall} ...

ok, so i like it, but i don't love it. first, you can hardly see his name {no, it's not just your monitor, that's how it looks in person too}. but i'm not going to send it back. i think i'm just going to paint the letters myself with some type of waterproof paint so that it really stands out. i may pick another milestone day in may to do it as a project to keep myself busy.

and here is a pic of his memorial garden at the front of our house {please keep in mind that it's a work in progress, and that i don't have a green thumb at all}.

so those are just some of the small things that have brought me joy this week amidst all of the sadness. and though i did my best to ignore that today was easter, i lit a few candles around the house. i lit these two candles in particular in honor of all the precious little ones that are in heaven instead of in the arms of their parents this easter. and because these are my wishes for all of my baby loss parents - peace and comfort.

happy list saturday

this week, as i mentioned in my last post, was a very emotionally taxing week. i was planning on skipping this week's happy list. but today has been a bit brighter. i've had a fairly decent day, and i got quite a bit accomplished, so i felt like i had enough energy in reserve to do the happy list post. here we go...

1. giveaways.  i've done a terrible job of promoting this month's giveaway mostly because i've been dealing with the affects of grief. but i am really excited about giving away the keepsake remembrance necklace from Lilly Ellen Designs. i really hope that it brings a smile to a momma desperately in need of one {like it did for me}. if you haven't had a chance to enter the giveaway, you still have time. check out this post for details on the necklace and to enter. the giveaway will end on april 11th, and i will announce the winner on april 12th.

2. jewelry. i got such a wonderful outpouring of support after my last post. i can't thank you ladies enough for lifting me up with your comforting words, thoughts and prayers. i seriously don't know where i would be without you all. anyway, one comment in particular gave me inspiration to splurge on myself a bit {not that i need an excuse, but still}. felicia, said "...Go do one thing special for yourself, you like coffee go get one that you don't have to feel guilty for...you like the mall....go buy a new blouse or earrings....just give yourself one good reason to smile...I'll do the same." so i decided yesterday to buy the birthstone rings that i had been eyeing from james avery {thanks to natasha}. i got a ring to represent me, D and Juju, and will wear them together - with Juju sandwiched in between his momma and daddy. more pieces to add to my Juju armor.

i also picked up a couple of things for future giveaways.

dragonfly earrings

butterfly necklace

3. mail. i received such a thoughtful gift in the mail from someone i went to grade school and high school with. she said after seeing the tattoo i got on my wrist, she knew she had to buy this mug for me. i couldn't help but smile looking at the adorable froggy and thinking of Julius. whenever i receive a card or a gift from people, i feel it's Julius' way of reaching out to me and letting me know he's ok. it's his way of sending love to me, through others. so thank you, tania, for making me smile, and sending me Juju's love.

4. gardens. i've again been inspired by my fellow BLMs to plant a garden/flower bed for Juju. after seeing some of the beautiful pics, i thought it would be a great idea to have an area dedicated to the life and love of my baby boy. so i asked my dear friend to help me with this project, since she has more of a green thumb than i do. we went out yesterday and bought the flowers, several of which were called "may night." i thought that was only appropriate considering he was born in may. we planted a few this evening {and i got eaten alive by mosquitoes}, and will finish planting the batch we got this weekend. i ordered a personalized garden memorial stone this past week too. so i will add that once we get all the flowers in, and then i'll post the pic.

Saturday Happy List

here i go again, forcing myself to be happy. for those who have just joined along on my blog, every weekend i will be taking part in natasha's saturday happy lists. this week, though predictably emotional since the 30th was Juju's 10 month birthday, there were quite a few "happy" moments.

1. journals. i packaged up the last box of journals for Jenna Journal Drive. because of all of my wonderfully generous friends we were able to collect 72 journals to send to franchesca!! i was hoping to send at least 20, but this far exceeded my expectations. a big thank you to everyone that sent/gave me journals. i am eternally grateful!

1 of the 2 boxes sent full of journals

2. mail. it seems like my dear friends knew i was going to need a bit more love this week. i received a few pieces of mail that lifted my spirits. one piece of mail was a wonderful card my dear IRL friend, rebecca, sent. it was just the sweetest card telling me that she was thinking of me. and it meant so much. i received another sweet card from trena, and she also sent me this adorable Juju bracelet. it has become another piece of armor. it actually moved me to tears that she sent it {it's actually not so hard to move me to tears these days}. it touches my heart so deeply to see that people are thinking of me and my baby boy. and of course, i love to see his name.

Juju bracelet

i also received a gift from a close friend whom i've known since kindergarten {thank you, smelly! i love you}. she sent me a wooden secret box and enclosed a very meaningful poem. again, moved to tears! we now keep Juju's secret box on his dresser, right next to him. i'm just so blessed to know so many thoughtful, selfless people.

my love next to his secret box

3. fundraising total. earlier in march in addition to the giveaway for the adorable stationery set from Thirty-One that was hosted by my dear friend, nikki, i also had a Thirty-One fundraising party at my house and online. anyone was able to order from the catalog {in person or online directly through nikki's site}, and nikki agreed to send 20% of the total sales to Juju's memorial fund at CJ Foundation for SIDS. well the party closed, and nikki sent me the final numbers a few days ago. there was over $1k in total sales made. and she will be sending $230.58 to his fund!!! thank you, thank you, thank you to all that purchased something through this event. my hope is that one day no other family will have to suffer the devastating loss of a child to SIDS/SUID/SUDC. so thank you for helping us work toward that goal. it means the world.

4. Juju's painting. i am so thrilled to announce that the custom painting we had done for our baby boy is finally done!! you might remember this post where i mentioned that my absolute favorite artist in the world, natasha wescoat, agreed to do a custom piece for us in honor of Julius. well this week she sent me a picture of it. when i saw it, it took my breath away. it's amazing! and the best part, well every part is the best part, but she did this thinking of him. she attached the pic via email and wrote the sweetest message:

"Hi Tiffany! I've completed the painting! Now, I've attached a photo. It was difficult as I wanted to make sure I put in as much details about his adorable face and his shining spirit in the piece. I hope that it looks like him. I made it bright and happy colors and in an impressionistic abstract style. Let me know if you would like anything changed or added?"

OMG, natasha wescoat said my baby boy's face is "adorable" {well, i know it is, but i'm his momma}!!! and she took her time with it and wanted to make it perfect, for us, for him. would you be surprised to know that i started crying when i saw it and read her email? probably not, huh? i think she perfectly captured his essence - happiness. i cannot wait to receive it so i can proudly display it in our home.

amazing, isn't it?

yes, though this week has been hard {well, they are all hard really}, i've received many comfort, and have quite a few things to feel "happy" about. it is these little moments of happiness that are sustaining me these days. it is these moments that are giving me the strength to try and make it to the next moment.

Happy List - my tattoo

D and i are back home from our little getaway trip to ATL this weekend. i was just recovering from my illness the day we left, and as luck would have it D was *just* getting my illness the day we left. which he proceeded to have the entire trip. but on the whole, it was a good trip, and i'm glad we decided to go. because of the illness there wasn't a whole lot of doing {which means not a lot to talk about}, but my mission to get my memorial tattoo{s} was successful. so i will talk about that for this week's happy list...

i actually scheduled my appointment for the tattoo as the first order of business for our trip, and i'm so glad i did. we drove straight into ATL, stopped momentarily at the hotel to deposit our things, and then headed straight for the tattoo shop. my tattoo artist, jenny, was so amazing! she is the most adorable tattoo artist i have ever seen {not that i've seen many before, but still}. and she is super talented too {check out her blog}. once i found her blog, i knew she was "the one." anyway, as soon as i told her what i was thinking, she set to work designing it. we brought Julius with us, so she had something to go by.

Juju's urn

Julius Luciano, i carry your heart in my heart

directly behind my heart so we are always connected

i also told her that i wanted something on my wrist - in a more noticeable spot, since i would not be able to see the one on my back often. i had seen one of the pieces she had done with all of the sanrio characters {i'm a big hello kitty fan}, and really wanted to get the little frog, keroppi, with his name/nickname underneath. why you ask? well, several reasons. 1. he had this little frog toy that attached to the handle of his bucket seat that he LOVED to look at. and when he found his hands/arms, he would always reach out for him and move him around. i used to comment all the time to D about how much he loved "mr. ribbit," 2. kerropi's huge eyes remind me so much of Juju's, 3. keroppi and Juju both have dimples, 4. when Juju was really teeny tiny and would cry, i would always say that he was making a "froggy" face. so getting keroppi as a tattoo just made sense to me.

on my wrist

the tattoos didn't take long at all. though they did hurt. man, i had forgotten how much getting a tattoo hurts {i had 1 previously that i had gotten while in college}. but i took the pain like a champ, and half the time i was talking to jenny, so it wasn't really *that* bad. i'm so pleased with how they both came out, so the pain was totally worth it. and i got an immediate sense of comfort once they were both done. it's so nice to look down, and be reminded of my little boy. and it's brings me a wave of peace to be able to look in the mirror and see that his heart is connected to mine. to know that part of him will physically be with me forever, takes my very breath away.

When There Was No Hope....I Hoped.

and thanks to franchesca and natasha, today i'm forced to hope...again. to create hope where there previously was none. today i will be combining my saturday happy list and my monthly hope post. what's brought me some light during my darkest hours this week?

1. changing the world. so i wake up {always against my will these days}, go through my routine getting ready for work, drive to work, pull into a parking space, look down to get my tea out of the middle console, and BAM! my eyes are immediate drawn to this...

i have never even realized that there were little messages on the tea bags themselves. i don't think i ever paid close enough attention. but for some reason, that was the first thing i saw when i looked down. and of course, all things tie back to Juju {in my head at least}. my choices? could it mean our choice to finally become parents? our choice to bring another human being into this world? i really don't know if i'm special enough to make choices that will change the world. but i do know 1 very special little boy who's mere existence forever changed mine.

2. mail. earlier this week i received a very thoughtful card and magnet from someone who has become a dear dear friend, and who is, unfortunately, a fellow SIDS mom - tabatha, mom to Savanna. she lost her precious Savanna exactly a month after i lost Juju. sickening that we both have SIDS and the 12th in common. but here she was, deep in her own grief, thinking of me and my little boy. sending me a card, with such a touching, meaningful message, and a gorgeous magnet {which is now proudly displayed on my fridge}. touching doesn't even begin to describe it.

3. the kindness of strangers. this week i received several heartfelt emails from people that have run across my blog. 1 email in particular moved me to tears. she expressed how sorry she was for my loss, and then offered to not only donate something for one of my monthly giveaways, but to help organize fundraisers in order to help us meet our $5k in 2011 goal for Juju's memorial fund at CJ Foundation!! i'm always so very amazed by the generosity of people, complete strangers. it is just another reminder that the heart of life really is good.

4. the kindness of friends. speaking of fundraisers, yesterday marked the end of the Thirty-One fundraiser that my dear friend nikki organized for me. she is going to donate 20% of the total sales to Juju's memorial fund. i haven't gotten the final estimate of the amount to be donated, but the last time i checked, it was a little over $200!! that almost brings us to the half-way point. wow. and another very generous, loving friend, jane, has offered to donate 100% of the proceeds from a garage sale she is having at the end of april to Juju's memorial fund. i know you guys are going to get sick of me saying this, but i have some amazing friends.

hope definitely seems to have an inverse relationship with grief. whenever i have moments of experiencing more grief, i see very little {if any} hope. and when i have my hopeful moments, the grief isn't as suffocating - i can actually breathe. this week, despite a pretty bad breakdown on tuesday, i had moments where i could actually breathe. i don't know what specifically brought it about, and i'm not going to try and figure it out, but i am thankful that i had these moments, and i hope they stick around.

my happy list

last week a dear friend of mine sent me the link to an article called "8 Tips for Feeling Happier During an Unhappy Time." i thought it was a really good article, and discovered that i had done many of the suggestions on my own already. but there was one of them that i just was not open to at all. number 1. "remind yourself of reasons to be grateful." nope! i was not about to go there. my baby boy passed away. in my world right now there are NO reasons to be grateful. so i closed the article, saved the link, and decided that maybe when i get further along in my grief journey, maybe {just maybe} then would i revisit that one.

fast forward to another email i received yesterday from fellow BLM {and one of the loveliest people on the planet} natasha saying that she was going to start "happy list saturdays" in order to remind herself that she does have things in her life to be happy about. and she asked if i would participate. and though i was still a bit hesitant, i figured if this same theme was coming up yet again, it's something that i need to embrace and do. so here i am. about to remind myself of my reasons to be grateful this week. even though today on Juju's 5 month angelversary i want to continue to sulk...

1. we'll start off with what happened last night. a few months ago i decided to sign up to co-lead a Faces of Loss Face2Face group in my area with my dear BLM friend mary. we have planned a couple of get-togethers since then, which have mostly been coffee nights. but last night we scheduled a dinner at PF Chang's. our group of 5 showed up, got seated, and shortly after, our waitress showed up to take care of us. when she saw us all together she asked "are you guys celebrating something?" i, of course, being the sarcastic cynic that i am scoffed, and kind of muttered under my breath. one of the other moms mentioned that we were celebrating the "memory of our children" {which was a much better response than the one i gave}. but i don't think our waitress heard her completely or understood, so she asked if we were "childless for the evening." which was when i finally piped up and told her that the reason that we were all together was because we had all unfortunately lost children. she was very apologetic, and we could all tell that she felt terrible for even asking the question. but honestly, i really didn't even give it a second thought since these days this happens to me more often than not. so i went about the night thoroughly enjoying the company, and enjoying the fact that i was amongst people who understood.

after dinner was done, our waitress then came out and surprised us with such a thoughtful sympathy card {signed by the entire staff that night} and gave us all complimentary desserts. to say that we were moved would be an understatement. to see that they cared that much about us and the pain we were in....there really are no words for that. i was just overwhelmed by the love and compassion they showed us all. the manager came over to our table and talked to us a bit, and expressed her sorrow about our losses. she told us how donna, our waitress, felt so bad about our situations that she felt compelled to do a little something for us to help us honor our children. i'm still just rendered speechless just thinking about what happened. 

the envelope "from your family at PF Chang's"

the inside

us with our lovely waitress (she's in the center)

2. swanky hotels and weekend getaways. out of my anger at how unfair life has been these days, i decided to plan a weekend getaway to atlanta for D and i. i booked us a room at a really swanky hotel, and i plan to do nothing but relax, eat good food, and pamper myself. i totally need a break. i feel like i'm about to crack under all of this stress. so i am looking forward to it. i have even scheduled an appointment to get my memorial tattoo. it's gonna be a good weekend!

credit

3. First Candle considers my blog a "resource." earlier this week i posted  about how my blog came to be listed on the Online Resources page over at First Candle. i'm still in shock that anyone {let alone a reputable organization like First Candle that does so much for families in need} would consider my blog a resource, but i'm not going to ask questions. i'm just going to accept that they do, and be eternally grateful.

4. giveaways. my third giveaway ends tonight, and i will be picking the winner of the personalized stationery set and matching address labels in just a few hours. i'm just so grateful that i am getting the chance to bring a smile to the face of a hurting momma.

so yea it does look like i may have a reason or two to be grateful though i still don't feel that way. but maybe if i do enough of these "happy list saturdays" i may have a change of heart.