grief new year

it's november. my grief new year. all of my big milestone days are done for 2012, and now the anticipation of his 3rd birthday begins. right now i am a little relieved, though, to be out of the month of october. i absolutely detest that month. but i am glad that we have all survived another october. i've wanted to blog about what we've been doing this month, but i really had no extra energy to spare.

i kept myself really busy, mostly as a distraction. it helped a bit, but when it comes down to it, nothing can make me forget the fact that my precious son passed away 2 years ago. it doesn't matter how many projects i take on.

early in october, a friend/local SIDS mom helped me plan a zumbathon to raise money for CJ Foundation and First Candle. it was so much work, planning and promoting that event, but it went SOOOO well! we had a really good turn out for our 1st zumbathon. and we raised over $500 that day. in total we raised $660 and sent $330 to both of those organizations. thank you to everyone who donated to our fundraiser!

during our zumbathon. we had over 50 people

the day of his angelversary, i really didn't have anything planned. last year we went to the zoo in nashville, and then had a little balloon release. i HAD to get out of this city on that day. this year, i didn't feel that urgency. but i did still feel the need to take off of work to stay close to my family, and i'm glad i did. we ended up going to the park that we were at the day before he passed away. the museum had FINALLY received and placed his brick the day before (after a year and a half almost), so i wanted to see it. and since it had taken so long, they generously refunded our money and gave us a 1 year membership to the museum, so we took a stroll of the museum afterward. and then had lunch at the restaurant connected to the museum that Julius and i stopped and ate at the day before he passed away. it was hard to go in, especially since i have avoided it all this time, but i'm glad we did (now my meal was a huge fail, but i'm not going to get into that one).
 

finally placed.

can't believe it's been 2 years since i kissed this boy.

our rainbow has been keeping us incredibly busy. she is on the brink of walking, and is really all over the place. her diva nature is coming out more and more. she's hilarious. so updating when i get home is just not going to happen. she requires all of my attention and focus (and i gladly oblige). but even with her at home with us, the weight of absence is GREATLY felt. and we try constantly to keep him present in our daily lives and to make it feel like we are bringing him with us instead of leaving him behind.

everyone knows my obsession with Paul Frank's Julius the monkey. well, i found this shirt at target a few weeks ago and had to buy it. there is actually a whole line of PF sleepwear. i loved it all, but just ended up getting this shirt. which worked out well, because a few days later, my amazing coworker bought me another shirt and pants. so i wear Julius to bed every night now.

and speaking of PF, i found the PF fan page on FB, and "liked" it. really i felt like an idiot for not finding it earlier. not sure why it never crossed my mind to look for it. anyway, while looking through the page, my heart just started to swell. his name, of course, was all over the page thanks to Julius the monkey. so i took a couple of minutes to write a little something on the page to let the people at PF know how much Julius means to me. and they responded!!!! i love them even more now.

Julius remembers my Julius!

i've also been working on some DIY crafts from that i've found on pinterest - DIY sharpie mug.

my Julius mug. just write on a mug with sharpie and bake in over at 350

this month was difficult, and with the holidays approaching, i know there are still difficult days ahead of me this year. i'm torn because i desperately want to experience the holiday season with our rainbow, but i miss my son, wish he were here, and hope that he isn't forgotten by anyone. i guess i just hope that our girl's presence doesn't overshadow the existence of our boy. it's just a tough balance, and i really wish i didn't have to deal with this. i just wish so much that this wasn't my reality and that Julius was here.

pic we took during our family pics in sept.

desperately hanging on...

going into this year, and the birth of our rainbow, though i was excited to meet her and become an earthly momma again, i was terrified of having to let go of Julius. i knew that our lives would become so wrapped up in our baby girl, and i was just worried that i wouldn't be able to "mother" Julius and his legacy the same way i did in 2011.

i have been lucky this year, in that i've been able to do several things to honor my son (including the conference we went to last month). i'm actually in the midst of planning another one. a local SIDS mom, and dear friend (and fellow Zumba instructor), and i are planning a Zumbathon "ZumbAway SIDS" that will take place on Oct 6th. 2 straight hours of zumba! and all the proceeds will be going to both First Candle and CJ Foundation for SIDS.

so if you are in the local area, please join us!! if you are not, you can still donate. just go to our site and click the donate link on the right hand side. no amount is too small, seriously!

o, and did you know that Julius has made his way to mcdonald's? my dear coworker brought me the happy meal box. i don't usually frequent there, but i just might now (well, until they stop giving away Julius toys)...

i may be a momma desperate to hold on, but i like to think that Julius is sending me a sign that he's near me - near us - always. i'd like to think that he's letting me know that i don't have to worry about ever letting him go, because he won't be letting go of me either. :')

12 Days of Christmas with You in Heaven Guest Poster

so today is my turn to be a guest poster over at Small Bird Studios. fran created the "12 days of christmas with you in heaven" as a way to help grieving families honor their loved ones and cope with this difficult holiday season. i posted my tutorial on how to make the personalized memorial candle that i made for Julius. so go check it out! i hope that it was relatively easy to follow, but if not, just send me an email and i'll try to clarify.

i also revealed my last monthly Juju giveaway...

this month is all about giving, so in honor of that, i have chosen this month's giveaway to be a $25 donation to the charity of the winner's choice {but a real charity please, no one put in for the george costanza human fund ;) }. i have a few organizations that are very meaningful to us {CJ Foundation for SIDS, and First Candle just to name a few}, and i give to them every chance i get hoping that one day no one will have to lose a child this tragic way. but i know that there are other wonderful organizations out there that do so much for others, so i'd like to do a small part to help in honor of my son and the winner's loved one.

all you have to do is leave a comment with the name of the charity you would like me to donate to if you won. i will leave the giveaway open until the 17th and then announce the winner on the 18th {the week before christmas}. good luck!

1 year

a year has passed since i last held my baby boy. the ticker on the side has gone from counting time in months to years. it makes me sick to my stomach to see that. to realize that that much time has actually passed. it's just not right.

the few days leading up to the 12th were absolutely terrible. my heart fought hard to make time to stop, but to no avail. the 10th was a holiday from work for me, and i had planned to take off on the 12th, but at the last minute i decided to take the 11th off too. i just didn't think i would be able to concentrate if i went to work.

since D was also off on the 10th, we just spent the day together at home. on the 11th i went to a local pottery painting studio and spent some time there painting some pieces in honor of my boy.

a froggy {i know his eyes are weird, but in my defense i was distracted by the woman who walked in with her 1 yr old son planning for his 1st birthday}

my awareness ribbon

then i swung over to the local newspaper to get some copies of the paper since his memorial ad that we placed for him was in it.

his memorial ad

i stopped by ben & jerry's binge on some ice cream, because it was that sort of day. and then after D got off of work, we went bowling.

he comes with us bowling. unfortunately i sucked.

i didn't sleep well that night as the anticipation of the next day took over my thoughts. i woke up on the 12th with tears in my eyes and a very heavy heart. and after i wrote my letter to Julius, i got up and got myself dressed {a huge accomplishment in my eyes and worth mentioning}, and went to see what D was doing in the office so we could start our day. we loosely planned to spend that day together at the zoo in nashville. we wanted to do something that we would have done with Juju if he were still here with us. we wanted that day, though painful, to be about his life and honoring him. so after making breakfast, we headed on the road up to n'ville.

since there was a ton of traffic due to an accident, it took us a  little longer than usual to get up there. and by the time we arrived, it was almost lunch time and we were starving. we decided to grab something to eat close to the zoo. and with the help of urbanspoon, we discovered that there was a {highly rated} cuban restaurant close by. being half-cuban and originally from s. fla i was so excited to find this restaurant. i haven't had cuban food in a few yrs {since i was last home visiting my family}. so we stopped, and as soon as we walked in, the song "here comes the sun" by the beatles came on in the restaurant {i blogged about the importance of that song, and the beatles some months ago}. so when i heard it, i just knew that Juju was with us. we had an amazing meal {even D thoroughly enjoyed the meal and gave me credit for picking the restaurant, which he never does}.

after eating we headed over to the zoo. as soon as we got out of the car, i began 2nd guessing my decision to go to the zoo. i mean, i know that it's a family place, but i guess i didn't realize the amount of babies that would be there. it seemed like every single person had a stroller. D asked me several times on the walk up to the admission booth if i wanted to just abandon the idea, and go watch a movie instead. and i was pretty close to taking him up on his offer. but i decided that for Juju i would suck it up, and follow through. i'm not sure why, but i just really felt like we needed to do this. and honestly, i'm so glad that i did.

the amount of kids in the zoo was really suffocating at first. but D did such of good job of distracting me. we really spent the whole time being silly, and talking about Julius and what he would be doing if he were there, and just all the memories we made with him. it was a fun time. after the zoo we went and had an early dinner at another restaurant i wanted to try {i really wish we had gone back to the cuban restaurant}, and then headed home where we did a small impromptu balloon release. i'm so glad that D and i spent the day together this way. 

my "i can't believe i really have to send balloons up to my little man" face

going up to him

then yesterday i got the opportunity to honor my baby boy and spread awareness about SIDS in another unique way, but that will have to remain a secret for now. :) 

i want to say a heartfelt thank you to everyone who thought of us, said a prayer for us, sent me messages and emails. i was so overwhelmed not only by sorrow that my baby boy was no longer with us, but also by the intense love that everyone showed us. there is no way we could have had such a peaceful day without it. and not only that, but i'm so proud to say that we made our fundraising goal! we planned to raise $5k for Julius' memorial fund at CJ Foundation in 2011 for SIDS awareness and research. and because of everyone and their generosity, we not only met that goal, but we have exceeded it!! thank you all who contributed, or even considered contributing. it means so much to have you help us remember and honor our son's precious, amazing life in this way!

though i'm generally not comforted by poems that are even remotely "optimistic" or poems that have a positive spin on them because i'm still so angry about Julius not being here with us. i received a card from the wonderful people at CJ Foundation the day before Juju's angelversary with part of a poem in it that really stuck with me. and after receiving all of the love and support that we did on his angel day, i know why...

"The tide recedes but leaves behind bright seashells on the sand, the sun goes down but gentle warmth still lingers on the land. The music stops and yet it echoes on in sweet refrain...for every joy that passes, something beautiful remains." - MD Hughes

winner and *another* giveaway!

the winner of this month's Juju giveaway {the t-shirt and pin from Remembering Our Babies}, chosen at random by random.org, is BECKY!!

congrats girl! please send me an email with your info and what size shirt you would like, and i will get your order placed today. and hopefully, you will get it by the 15th.

*****

and i just wanted to let you all know that there is another giveaway going on right now in honor of Julius {and you don't have to be a BLM to enter this one}. the girl who has been at pretty much all of our life events since 2009, and was the 1st person to meet Juju, our dear friend and photographer, Whitney of Caught You on Camera, asked me a few days ago if it would be alright to do a giveaway in remembrance of Juju in order to help us raise money for his memorial fund at The CJ Foundation for SIDS. and of course we agreeed.

to enter this giveaway, all you have to do is make a donation to Julius' memorial fund {in ANY amount}, and then email the donation receipt to caughtyouoncamera@yahoo.com. the winner will be chosen at random using random.org. and will win an 11x14 canvas wrap of the photo of your choice! anyone can enter this one, even if you aren't local or a former client of hers. please check out her post for more details on how to enter. she will announce the winner on Julius' angelversary {the 12th}. thank you Whitney for helping us remember the life of our amazing son!!! ♥

Happy List Saturday (er, Monday)!

it's been a while since i did a happy list. i had every intention of doing one this weekend, but, that didn't work out too well. so i'm going to it today. better late than never, right?! we're only half-way through one of the most difficult months of the year for me {as it's Julius' birth month}, and though it most certainly has been hard, there have been some "happy" moments too. here are some of the things that have brought me some happiness recently:

1. Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope special mission. i am so incredibly honored to say that i am now an online community organizer with my dear friend, natasha, for FoLFoH! ms. natasha was in need of some help, and was so sweet to think of me. i couldn't turn it down. i would do anything to help kristin and all of the amazing women who devote so much of their time/lives to FoL. it is such a worthy meaningful cause, and one that i am now very passionate about. so i am very excited to get a chance to help out. natasha and i are planning so many wonderful things for the babyloss community. it really is a privlege for me to be able to do this. thank you natasha and kristin! ♥

2. Fundraising. we are steadily creeping our way up to our $5k goal. i can't thank everyone who has donated so far enough. this past weekend a dear friend set up a lemonade stand to raise awareness for SIDS and raise money for Julius' memorial fund at CJ Foundation. you can see pics and read her blog post here. she was able to raise $100 for his fund. i can't tell you how much it means to me that she took time out of her busy life to remember my baby boy and support our cause. just knowing that she was out there talking about our little boy, the person who changed our lives so profoundly, makes my heart swell. i think every bereaved parents worse fear is that their child will be forgotten. so thank you, rachel, for remembering our child!

on the same topic, we still have our Uppercase Living fundraiser going on this month {it will end on May 31st}. if you would like to help us reach our goal, and get something inspirational/personal for your home, please check it out. just logon to http://kyleer.uppercaseliving.net/, register for free, and check out all of their products. and make sure to mention Juju when placing your order so it will count toward our fundraiser. 15% of the total sales will be going to his fund!

3. Friends. this past friday, my face2face group got together to celebrate mother's day over dinner. i had such a wonderful time. we've started a new ritual - we now light a candle {a flameless one} during all of our functions. my amazing friend, mary, came up with the idea, and we all loved it. the candle is lit in honor of all of our babies. it's just so nice to have that extra recognition of their presence in our lives. and we have all become such a close group. really, i can not say enough great things about the women i have met through this group. they are the best! and we spend the whole night acting silly. i bought everyone a willow tree figurine {which i picked especially for them}, and it brought me so much happiness to see them open it. i just love my group! ♥

4. Brick. i can't believe i forgot about this one {i'm edited my post after publishing it}. last week, i was on another local angel mom's FB page, and i saw that she had a pic of a brick engraved with her child's name. i commented on how much i like it, and then she gave me the details about how she had it done. it's through the local museum in town, and the brick is placed along a walking path in the park downtown. so i went to the museum's website, found the information, and purchased a brick for my baby boy. the reason why this is so special to me {other than the obvious}, is that we were in that park the day before he passed away. that is the park where we had our last photo shoot together {just momma and Juju}. after our photo shoot, we went to the museum to eat at the restaurant that is there {well, i ate, he sat in his stroller}. and just had a really nice morning/afternoon together. i am so thankful that we had that time together. and even though right now i am avoid that park/museum, i know that when his brick gets placed on the path, and we go as a family to see it, it will be so very meaningful. i'm so glad i have this way to memorialize Julius.

ok, so those are just a few of the things that i have been working on, and that have brought me joy during this exceptionally difficult month. i still have 2 more weeks to go before his birthday, and yep, i'm still dreading that day. but even so, i know that must celebrate his life because it is so signifcant to me...♥

Doing Good In Juju's Name May Giveaway

well today is the start of may. the start of the month that last year i was so anxious for. the month that after Julius was born, i was so excited to have come back around because it meant that i would be celebrating my son's 1st birthday. but since he passed away, it's been 1 of the months that i've been dreading because it means that i have to experience a birthday without the birthday boy. i have 29 more days until that day. i have several milestone days to pass before that day. i'm already exhausted from thinking about it. my heart is very heavy. and so this giveaway is exactly what i need to help lift my spirits just a bit.

this giveaway is sponsored by a woman who has become such a sweet friend, kylee, and Uppercase Living. i "met" kylee when she sent me an email a few months ago to tell me that she had stumbled upon my blog, and wanted to send her love and offer her help with my giveaways. i was {and still am} so moved by her reaching out to me, and her generosity. i have met the most compassionate, loving, generous people on my journey. it touches my heart so much.

so for those of you who are not familiar with Uppercase Living, here's a little about them:

Uppercase Living believes in the power of words, in the beauty of elegant design, and in the transforming quality that both can have in any environment. And when you experience our product firsthand, you’ll believe it too!
 

Uppercase Living offers hundreds of pre-designed expressions to be placed easily and seamlessly on any flat surface!. You can also design a custom expression using a wide variety of colors and fonts to express any sentiment that you'd like!

There are four amazing things about Uppercase Living products:

1. When on your wall, the lettering absolutely looks hand-painted!
2. It can be easily applied (and removed, if you choose)
3. While hundreds of pre-designed expressions are available in any of 30 colors and 3 sizes each, the best part is the ability to custom-order any expression that you would like, in any size and in any of the 30 colors!
4. Saved the best for last: the cost of our expressions is far below that of many standard lettering and sign companies!

the giveaway:
so this month's giveaway is for a $25 gift certificate to be put toward an Uppercase living product {for BLMs only}. to enter, just leave me a comment telling me what kind of expression you would get if you won. i will keep the giveaway open until may 11th, and then announce the winner on may 12th, Juju's 7 month angelversary.

for those of you that are interested in getting an expression from Uppercase Living regardless if you win the giveaway or not, kylee has agreed to donate 15% of the total sales to Juju's memorial fund at CJ Foundation! i already know that i will be getting a custom expression of my favorite quote "i carry your heart in my heart." but there is just so much you can do. here are just a few ideas:

You may view the entire catalog online - and also play with "My Design Suite" to customize an expression for your home. Just logon to http://kyleer.uppercaseliving.net/, register for free, and check out all of their products. and make sure to mention Juju when placing your order so it will count toward our fundraiser. good luck and a big thank you again to kylee for being so generous and offering this! ♥♥

Saturday Happy List

here i go again, forcing myself to be happy. for those who have just joined along on my blog, every weekend i will be taking part in natasha's saturday happy lists. this week, though predictably emotional since the 30th was Juju's 10 month birthday, there were quite a few "happy" moments.

1. journals. i packaged up the last box of journals for Jenna Journal Drive. because of all of my wonderfully generous friends we were able to collect 72 journals to send to franchesca!! i was hoping to send at least 20, but this far exceeded my expectations. a big thank you to everyone that sent/gave me journals. i am eternally grateful!

1 of the 2 boxes sent full of journals

2. mail. it seems like my dear friends knew i was going to need a bit more love this week. i received a few pieces of mail that lifted my spirits. one piece of mail was a wonderful card my dear IRL friend, rebecca, sent. it was just the sweetest card telling me that she was thinking of me. and it meant so much. i received another sweet card from trena, and she also sent me this adorable Juju bracelet. it has become another piece of armor. it actually moved me to tears that she sent it {it's actually not so hard to move me to tears these days}. it touches my heart so deeply to see that people are thinking of me and my baby boy. and of course, i love to see his name.

Juju bracelet

i also received a gift from a close friend whom i've known since kindergarten {thank you, smelly! i love you}. she sent me a wooden secret box and enclosed a very meaningful poem. again, moved to tears! we now keep Juju's secret box on his dresser, right next to him. i'm just so blessed to know so many thoughtful, selfless people.

my love next to his secret box

3. fundraising total. earlier in march in addition to the giveaway for the adorable stationery set from Thirty-One that was hosted by my dear friend, nikki, i also had a Thirty-One fundraising party at my house and online. anyone was able to order from the catalog {in person or online directly through nikki's site}, and nikki agreed to send 20% of the total sales to Juju's memorial fund at CJ Foundation for SIDS. well the party closed, and nikki sent me the final numbers a few days ago. there was over $1k in total sales made. and she will be sending $230.58 to his fund!!! thank you, thank you, thank you to all that purchased something through this event. my hope is that one day no other family will have to suffer the devastating loss of a child to SIDS/SUID/SUDC. so thank you for helping us work toward that goal. it means the world.

4. Juju's painting. i am so thrilled to announce that the custom painting we had done for our baby boy is finally done!! you might remember this post where i mentioned that my absolute favorite artist in the world, natasha wescoat, agreed to do a custom piece for us in honor of Julius. well this week she sent me a picture of it. when i saw it, it took my breath away. it's amazing! and the best part, well every part is the best part, but she did this thinking of him. she attached the pic via email and wrote the sweetest message:

"Hi Tiffany! I've completed the painting! Now, I've attached a photo. It was difficult as I wanted to make sure I put in as much details about his adorable face and his shining spirit in the piece. I hope that it looks like him. I made it bright and happy colors and in an impressionistic abstract style. Let me know if you would like anything changed or added?"

OMG, natasha wescoat said my baby boy's face is "adorable" {well, i know it is, but i'm his momma}!!! and she took her time with it and wanted to make it perfect, for us, for him. would you be surprised to know that i started crying when i saw it and read her email? probably not, huh? i think she perfectly captured his essence - happiness. i cannot wait to receive it so i can proudly display it in our home.

amazing, isn't it?

yes, though this week has been hard {well, they are all hard really}, i've received many comfort, and have quite a few things to feel "happy" about. it is these little moments of happiness that are sustaining me these days. it is these moments that are giving me the strength to try and make it to the next moment.

"When the World turns its back on you..."

i know i've been a little quiet over here these days. this past week i've been dealing with the demons of grief. you just never know when it's going to sneak up on you, and it usually leaves me drained for a few days afterward. my heart has really been having a difficult time processing things. i find myself staring at his pictures trying to comprehend the fact that i have to spend the rest of MY life without him. that's a tough pill to swallow. i know that this information is not new information, but i don't think my brain really focused too much on it until now.

this morning brought me another major sobfest. but then afterward instead of feeling helpless {as i usually do}, i decided to do something about it. a scene from the disney movie - the lion king - flashed in my head. after simba lost his father in the stampede {i apologize to anyone i just spoiled this for}, he has this conversation with the meerkat, timon...

Timon: Look, kid. Bad things happen, and you can't do anything about it. Right?
Simba: Right.
Timon: Wrong! When the world turns its back on you, you turn your back on the world.

i definitely feel as though the world has turned its back on me. so i decided that i was going to do the same thing back {mature, i know}. i got out of bed, and did what i do best - plan. i am painfully aware of the fact that everything is out of my control. but i'm just not ok sitting and waiting for life to happen to/for me. i feel like i'm sitting on the sidelines, watching everyone else get a chace to play. and it's killing me. i'm in this terrible limbo...i'm a little further out of the "early early grief" stage, but i still can't see the forest from the trees. so i planned. i planned a trip to an acupuncturist {holy mother of Mary, i could seriously use any form of relaxation i can get these days}. and the plans i am the most excited about...

i planned a weekend trip for D and i at the end of the month to atlanta. i desperately need to get away from this place. from my house. from the memories. not from Juju, of course, he will be coming with us. i booked us a room in a really nice hotel. and i'm making plans now to schedule an appointment to get my memorial tattoo done. i'm stoked about getting a chance to hang out with D uninterrupted. stoked about the chance to stop doing everything by the book, like i always do, and just splurge on me, on us. i need this trip. i'm tired of feeling like the world is turning its back on me. i'm tired of doing the same things, day in and day out hoping something will change. i'm tired of depriving myself now because of "the future." i'm just tired.

so this has given me something to do, and something to look forward to...for now. we also plan to take a trip sometime in may {around his birthday}, so once we get back from our trip to atlanta, i will start on planning that one.

****

in some lighter news, this saturday is the end of giveaway #3. if you have not gotten a chance to enter, please check out this post and do so. this sunday is the day of my Thirty-One fundraiser party. my dear friend, nikki, will be donating 20% of the total sales to Juju's memorial fund at The CJ Foundation for SIDS {our goal is $5k in 2011}. please check out nikki's page to see all of the adorably cute things Thirty-One has to offer. you don't have to attend the party in person. you can order online directly from nikki, and all of the online sales {from now until march 13th} will count toward this event. so go score something cute for yourself and your loved ones!! ♥

Facing the new year without Juju

earlier this week i mentioned that i had been asked to be a guest blogger for The CJ Foundation for SIDS, and wrote up a piece about my thoughts on facing the new year without Julius. it was posted on their facebook page yesterday, so i'm going to post it here as well.

************

2010 is drawing to a close. And while most of the people I know are not giving the start of 2011 another thought, I, on the other hand, am always overcome with emotion when thinking about January 1, 2011.

2011 was sure to bring my husband and I many firsts with our son - his first steps, his first words (which I’m sure would have been “mama”), and his first birthday, just to name a few. And the realization that we will not be able to experience any of those moments with him is almost suffocating. Now I have to face 365 more days of heartache and pain. 365 more days of struggling for every step, and every breath I take. I have 365 more days to add to the already 80 days I have spent ripped away from my son - the little boy I grew in my womb for 40 weeks, spent 15 hours in labor with, and loved for four and a half short months. Not only that, but 2011 offers me the chance to continue to live my life marking the milestones of his death – the one year anniversary of his passing, the day that he would be gone for more time than he was with us, etc.

And though, I have all of these feelings of deep sadness, I do feel a bit of relief. I feel relief simply because January 1st brings the end of 2010. October 12, 2010 was the single worst day of my life, a day that I am still reeling from. I feel like I have been completely betrayed by 2010. And I am so happy to finally be done with a year that has brought me to so many emotional extremes. It also means that one of my milestones, my first holiday season without my son, is over and I can breathe a little easier. I no longer have to avoid the stores, the television, the radio, or going out in public (not that I really cared about any of those things anyway). Now I can focus all of my attention on making it through the next milestone day.

Then every once in a while when I think of the start of 2011, I feel a bit hopeful. Julius made my husband and me parents. He confirmed to us that we do have the ability to care for another human being. We were so scared of becoming parents, but we found when he was born, that being a parent is the most natural and fulfilling thing we have ever done. We loved every second of our brief time with him. So we are hopeful that 2011 also offers us a chance to expand our family, to make Julius a big brother. We are hopeful that we will one day get to tell Julius’ brother or sister all about their older brother who opened our hearts and changed our lives forever. We have also decided to put some of our strength, time, effort, and money toward SIDS research and awareness. And we are hopeful that 2011 brings possibility that they are 1 step closer to finding a cause for SIDS so that one day nobody will have to lose their child in this tragic way.

Regardless of all of these feelings though, the fact still remains the same - my son is gone. It really doesn’t matter what day it is, or what year it is, nothing will ever change that fact. Every day is a struggle for us just to put one foot in front of the other. Every day we are adjusting to our new roles as bereaved parents. All we really want is to have our son back with us. But since we cannot have that, we are forced to start anew in 2011.

i'm still here...

i made it, fortunately or unfortunately {depending on my mood}, through my 1st christmas without my Juju. i'm still here, i'm still breathing, i'm still heartbroken. christmas day itself was not as painful as i thought it would be. but then again, it didn't really feel like christmas at our house, so it wasn't necessarily an added layer of pain that we had to get through. D and i stayed in, and it very much felt like just another day. we are so glad that we decided to forego celebrating the holidays this year like we had originally planned. staying home in our safe environment was definitely what we needed to do to get through this time. and thanks to the suggestion of a friend {thank you, andrea}, we lit a candle all day on christmas eve and christmas day for Julius. it helped me to feel as though he was always nearby.

this past week hasn't all been sad and painful. there have been some moments of light mixed in...

last week, ms. linda, the executive director at The CJ Foundation for SIDS,  sent me an email asking if i would like to be a guest blogger for them. she has been so very helpful and supportive to us during this time, and i was incredibly honored that she thought of me. the piece she wanted me to write about was my thoughts on facing the new year without Julius. i, understandably, have a lot {probably too much} to say about this topic, and was a bit stressed out about how i was going to organize all of my thoughts. but after working on it this weekend, i sent it to her this morning, and i'm looking forward to her posting it. i will post it on here after she's posted it {i don't want to spoil anything}. but again, it means so much that i was given this opportunity to honor my son.

i also finished my 1st journal yesterday. some of you may remember the post where i mentioned that i received a journal from some of my friends from my hometown {thank you, shelly and amanda}, and have written Julius a letter every day since the 1 week mark of his passing. well at 2 months and 2 weeks since i said goodbye to my son, i finished Vol. 1 of "Letters to Juju" {thanks for that name, fabby}. i skimmed through some of the earlier letters to him, and i noticed that even though i have made some progress with my feelings, i'm still very heartbroken, and very lost. the overall feelings of "darkness" are still there, but are now mixed in with some moments of hopefulness  - something that wasn't around early on. and today, i started my 2nd journal - Vol. 2 {thank you, michelle}. i think the quote on the front is especially fitting.

and the last thing that happened this morning is that i already reached my first goal mark of $1000 for Juju's memorial fund at CJ. i even increased my goal amount to $1500 {and got to gloat to D some more - again, it felt really good}. i am absolutely speechless at everyone's generosity. i definitely think it's a testiment to how many loving people are surrounding me, and how much my son is loved. he was only in my arms for 4.5 short months, but he completely changed my life forever. i again thank everyone that has donated {and who has even thought about donating}. thank you for contributing to such a worthy cause and organization. thank you for helping ensure that one day no one will have to lose a child this terribly tragic way. and thank you most of all for remembering our son. ♥

**updated to add: i ended up taking angie's advice and changed my goal amount for Juju's memorial fund to $5k! thank you, girl, for suggesting that.**