Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Right Where I Am 2013: 2 Years, 8 Months, and 6 Days

seriously, WTF??

that reaction pretty much sums it all up. it sums up what i thought as i scrolled through my blog list to see all of the other RWIA posts that have already been done. it sums up my feelings to the amount of time that has passed since the last time i saw my beautiful boy. it sums up feelings about the fact that i am still living this nightmare of being a bereaved mother.

how could it be? how could i have given birth to a child that isn't here anymore. some days it all feels like a dream. but i look around and see the pictures of him everywhere, and know that it's not.

last year i wrote the post a day before his 2nd birthday. our rainbow had just made it to the 4.5 month milestone in which we lost Julius, thus officially outliving him; anxiety was at an all time high, and my heart was so very heavy with worry and grief.

since then...we just celebrated his 3rd birthday {which was a difficult one for me. and i've figured that they are all pretty much going to be difficult ones because there is no way that i can adequately plan a day worthy enough for him}. his sister just turned 17 months and brings more joy/love into our lives than we ever thought we would be able to experience again.

but as she continues to grow and develop, so does her "interactions" and understanding of her brother, which brings another dimension to my grief. see all this time i have been grieving MY broken heart, and MY missing him. but more and more i feel as though i am grieving for me and rainbow. as i mentioned in a previous post, she kisses her urn with me now. and she has recently started grabbing his picture off of the entertainment center, kissing it, and saying "baby".

oh, how my heart breaks even more to see how tenderly she treats him. it aches to think of how she would act with him in person. she is such an affectionate girl. she loves love/affection, she gives kisses and hugs so generously {maybe a little to generously} to all the little kids/babies she meets. and i wonder would she be as affectionate with her older brother. it makes me angrier to know that she will never get the chance. she deserves to experience all the fun of having an older brother. he deserved to get the chance to be an older brother. but, unfortunately, it didn't happen.

my grief is still a part of me. while i am finding it easier to "live" again, instead of just merely "surviving," i can still feel the ache in my heart. i still avoid conversations about kids/families with strangers. i still avoid some parts of town that remind me too much of *that* day. i still have days in which i have to close my office door because i need to cry. i do have a lot to cry about, but my children give me so much more to smile about. and these days it's easier to smile for both of them...


Maxie's Mommy said...

It's totally unbelievable, isn't it? I also keep waiting for this reality to go away and am shocked that this is just it. He is gone. I'm so sorry that Julius isn't here to cuddle his little sis. It's just too unreal.

Caroline said...

I love how freely Juli dishes out the love. I wish you got to see her do that to Julius. Finn will grab Cales pictures and sometimes I have to take them away as I'm afraid he will rip them on accident. I love how he says "baby Cale" now but it's so heartbreaking he will only ever know of him in 2D.

Brooke said...

It is heartbreaking to also grieve for what their siblings have lost.

xo. remembering Julius always

Mama Bear said...

I really can visualize your babies crawling, hugging and loving all over one another. It's such a happy picture. Hugs to you xoxo

B. Wilson @ Windy {City} Wilsons said...

She is such a lover.

I'm certain she would have been the most annoying little sister to your sweet and gentle Julius.

I hadn't thought of the new dimension of grief being how our rainbow children interact with our grief and the pieces their siblings left behind. Benjamin is still quite unaware, I think, but now it has me wondering (and forever sad) about what months from now will look like.

Loving and remembering your 3-year old boy in heaven and wishing he were here to lay the smack down on his little sister. ;)

Sara said...

"how could it be? how could i have given birth to a child that isn't here anymore." I still have these moments and they confound me.

My oldest daughter is four now. I remember when she started saying goodnight to her brother. And now, sometimes she is very matter of fact about him being gone and sometimes I can tell she is trying to work it all out. It is a new lens on loss.

sdarnell said...

You are still in my prayers Tiffany. May God grant you peace.

MrsH said...

The image of your daughter kissing Julius' picture is beyond beautiful!
Emma does not get what's up with Adrian's urn yet...I am not explaining it properly I guess. but how do you explain it to a two year old?

sdarnell said...

Still thinking about you and still praying for you. God bless you and give you peace precious Tiffany.

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