I Wanted So Much For You...

i've started reading the book Empty Cradle Broken Heart by Deborah Davis. it has brought me some comfort and some perspective as i navigate through grief. in the book she includes a poem that sums up what i am feeling at this moment in my life...

I Wanted So Much For You

by Maria LaFond Visscher

I wanted so much more for you, my sweet little baby.

I wanted to change your diapers, not my life.

I wanted to nurse you, not my grief.

I wanted to dress you up, not bury you down.

I wanted to hear the sounds of your crying for me at night, not my own sounds of crying for you, my innocent, misconceived baby.

I wanted to see you grow, not the grass upon the grave.

I wanted to see you asleep in the crib, not in the casket.

I wanted to give you life, not death.

I wanted to show you off, not alone go on.

I wanted to comb your fuzzy hair, not save a lock of it.

I wanted to pick up after you, not put down my dreams for you.

I wanted to hold you in my arms, not this doll.

I wanted to walk you late at night, not my fears.

I wanted so much for you, my newly born, newly gone - child.

I wanted so much more

I wanted so much

I wanted

I wanted you.

Julius' Resting Place...

as i mentioned in my previous post, we had J cremated and his remains placed in a heart-shaped urn which we keep with us in our room...his room.


it breaks my heart that he was small enough to fit in that urn, but i think it's the best place for him. and i'm glad that he will always be with us.

In Remembrance of Julius Luciano...

in our darkest hours we have been blessed enough to be surrounded by such amazing, caring, generous people. though we are struggling with anger over why this had to happen to our son, there are times when it is so very hard to be angry because we feel the love and support of those around us. in the last few days friends, family, and those we have never met before have reached out to us to let us know that we are not alone on our journey through hell, and that Julius will *always* be remembered. here are a few of the ways...

Rachel over at Triplet Butterfly Wings was so very kind and generous enough to release a butterfly in memory of Julius. You can see his butterfly here.

our photographer and friend, Whitney, was kind enough to post a memorial to Julius on her blog. In the blog post you can see some of the gorgeous pics she took during our last photo shoot with her. but you can view all of the pics on my online photo album.

we were also privileged enough to meet a very lovely and talented woman, Stacey, through our church. she is the owner of a company called Earth and Sea Designs and designs gorgeous jewelry out of roses and clay. she was generous enough to make me this necklace with a personalized photo of J and i from our photo shoot the day before he passed away.

i love the necklace and wear it daily along with the keepsake necklace i bought from LillyEllen a few months ago that is engraved with his first and middle name and birth date.

D's Eulogy to our little boy...

yesterday was J's memorial service. it was absolutely amazing. the turnout was amazing - it was so wonderful to see all of the people that J touched in his short life. and to see how far our support system reaches. J was loved, and we are blessed - there is no question about those two things. the most memorable and touching part of the service was D's eulogy. D felt *very* strongly about saying something. he wanted to tell those in attendance all about the little boy we had the privilege of knowing/raising. and he did an amazing job! i have an amazing man as my hubby, and i'm so very very sorry that J won't get to see that for himself. anyway, i just thought i would share D's eulogy...

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first i would like to say that my wife and i really appreciate everyone's support. i wasn't sure if i would be able to get up here and say something, but i felt strongly that even though Julius learned so little of the world, the world should know about him. Julius was a very happy child. He was not one to cry for no reason. He was great with other people, he really liked the attention. He was so nosey, even when he was eating, if he heard people talking he would stop and look around to figure out what was going on. But that was just how observant and alert he was. Julius loved to be held, we bought these baby carriers and they were his favorite place. he stayed close to our hearts all the time.

Julius had the craziest hair; it was puffy, but only at the top of his head. Tiff and I called it his "frohawk." we like to have conversations together, I would change him in the morning and get him ready for his day, while he talked and talked. I didn't understand what he said, but he said it with gusto. Julius had a great laugh, I would pretend to eat his stomach and he would go crazy [with laughter]. I remember one time i lifted him up and pretended to eat him, he grabbed both of my ears and pulls me to him and started to eat my face. it was the most amazing thing. he was so close to doing so many amazing things. it just was not fair.

but he made me a better man. he taught me patience and a greater lover than i ever knew. tiff and i never thought that we would be able to take care of another life, but he was here, we loved him, and we know that he loved us. thank you for keeping us in your thoughts and prayers, and i hope that when you think of Julius you can now see the beautiful child that we knew.

My Life Will Never be the Same...

i can not even begin to describe the intense sadness and helplessness i feel. some moments are better than others, but the feelings are still so incredibly raw. i miss my juju so very much, and i find myself looking over at his bassinet, pack n' play, bouncy chair, etc. hoping that he will be there. that this whole thing is just some nightmare i had, and he is actually still alive with us.

i keep asking the question "why?". why did this have to happen to us, to him - he was just a tiny little guy. it doesn't seem fair that he would be taken was he was so brand new to the world. i'm very angry. but through my anger and hurt, i have been forced to see good. we are surrounded by an absolutely amazing group of family and friends. they have rushed to our side to walk with us on this horrific journey. they have called and cried with us. they have set up meal assistance for us for the next month. people i have never met have reached out to me to let me know that i am not alone, although i very much feel it right now.

i'm also fortunate that the saturday and monday before he passed away, i set up 2 different photo shoots. one was with our photographer/friend, whitney, that has taken pics at all of our life events for the last yr. she took my maternity pics, and his newborn pics just a week after he was born. and now she was taking his 4 mo pics and family pics. then monday we spent the morning in the park with a fellow mom from a moms group that i'm a part of, and she took some pics of just julius and i. both of them have sent us a copy of the pics that were taken, and they have brought D and i just a tiny bit of comfort to see all the love that was captured.

i'm sure soon i will write more details about that horrid day that he left us, but now, i just can't...maybe it's a bit of denial, but i just can't.

yesterday we went down to the funeral home to make arrangements for him. it was hands down one of the most gut-wrenching things i have ever had to do. we have chosen to have him cremated, and placed in a small heart-shaped urn, which we will keep with us. i thought it was very appropriate considering it feels as though my heart has been ripped out. this morning we went to the church to discuss his memorial service with the priest and church organizer. they were so wonderful and showed us so much compassion. i have no doubt that his funeral service will be wonderful and memorable.

i have also been forced to see how fortunate i am to have my husband. D has taken the lead on pretty much everything, as i am far too broken to do much of anything. and he has tried to shield me from more pain as much as he possibly can. he is simply amazing, and i'm so so so very sad that J will not be able to physically see the amazing person that his father is.

this is so terrible, but there is some good...

here are a couple of pics from our photo shoots...

pics taken on 10.11 by misty

pic taken on 10.9 by whitney

Devastated...

Today my husband and I have suffered an unimaginable loss. After only 4.5 very short months with us our perfect little boy passed away. We are completely at a loss and not sure how to pick up the pieces and carry on. But I ask all of you to please keep us in your thoughts and prayers. I feel so broken...

PotD: I can't get enough of that smile!