My Life Will Never be the Same...

i can not even begin to describe the intense sadness and helplessness i feel. some moments are better than others, but the feelings are still so incredibly raw. i miss my juju so very much, and i find myself looking over at his bassinet, pack n' play, bouncy chair, etc. hoping that he will be there. that this whole thing is just some nightmare i had, and he is actually still alive with us.

i keep asking the question "why?". why did this have to happen to us, to him - he was just a tiny little guy. it doesn't seem fair that he would be taken was he was so brand new to the world. i'm very angry. but through my anger and hurt, i have been forced to see good. we are surrounded by an absolutely amazing group of family and friends. they have rushed to our side to walk with us on this horrific journey. they have called and cried with us. they have set up meal assistance for us for the next month. people i have never met have reached out to me to let me know that i am not alone, although i very much feel it right now.

i'm also fortunate that the saturday and monday before he passed away, i set up 2 different photo shoots. one was with our photographer/friend, whitney, that has taken pics at all of our life events for the last yr. she took my maternity pics, and his newborn pics just a week after he was born. and now she was taking his 4 mo pics and family pics. then monday we spent the morning in the park with a fellow mom from a moms group that i'm a part of, and she took some pics of just julius and i. both of them have sent us a copy of the pics that were taken, and they have brought D and i just a tiny bit of comfort to see all the love that was captured.

i'm sure soon i will write more details about that horrid day that he left us, but now, i just can't...maybe it's a bit of denial, but i just can't.

yesterday we went down to the funeral home to make arrangements for him. it was hands down one of the most gut-wrenching things i have ever had to do. we have chosen to have him cremated, and placed in a small heart-shaped urn, which we will keep with us. i thought it was very appropriate considering it feels as though my heart has been ripped out. this morning we went to the church to discuss his memorial service with the priest and church organizer. they were so wonderful and showed us so much compassion. i have no doubt that his funeral service will be wonderful and memorable.

i have also been forced to see how fortunate i am to have my husband. D has taken the lead on pretty much everything, as i am far too broken to do much of anything. and he has tried to shield me from more pain as much as he possibly can. he is simply amazing, and i'm so so so very sad that J will not be able to physically see the amazing person that his father is.

this is so terrible, but there is some good...

here are a couple of pics from our photo shoots...

pics taken on 10.11 by misty

pic taken on 10.9 by whitney