Thursday, October 21, 2010

I Wanted So Much For You...

i've started reading the book Empty Cradle Broken Heart by Deborah Davis. it has brought me some comfort and some perspective as i navigate through grief. in the book she includes a poem that sums up what i am feeling at this moment in my life...

I Wanted So Much For You
by Maria LaFond Visscher

I wanted so much more for you, my sweet little baby.
I wanted to change your diapers, not my life.
I wanted to nurse you, not my grief.
I wanted to dress you up, not bury you down.
I wanted to hear the sounds of your crying for me at night, not my own sounds of crying for you, my innocent, misconceived baby.

I wanted to see you grow, not the grass upon the grave.
I wanted to see you asleep in the crib, not in the casket.
I wanted to give you life, not death.
I wanted to show you off, not alone go on.
I wanted to comb your fuzzy hair, not save a lock of it.
I wanted to pick up after you, not put down my dreams for you.
I wanted to hold you in my arms, not this doll.
I wanted to walk you late at night, not my fears.
I wanted so much for you, my newly born, newly gone - child.

I wanted so much more
I wanted so much
I wanted
I wanted you.


Rachel said...

Beautiful poem. My thoughts are with you!!

racquel2003 said...

That is a poignant poem. It expresses things so well.

Lisa said...

Oh Tiffany, I wish so badly we could change this for you. My heart breaks for you daily and I think of you all the time. XOXO

rebecca said...

Such a beautiful poem, I'm glad you're finding some comfort in the book. Holding you close in my thoughts often.

Julie said...

just wanted to say hello. my son kenny was stillborn at 25 weeks on may 1. i found my way here from rebecca's blog. i am so sorry about your beautiful boy.

Augusta said...

I read Rebecca's blog and she told us about your tragic loss. I just wanted to stop by and say how sorry I was to hear about your little one's tragic end. You and your husband are in my thoughts.
May you be surrounded with love and with peace.

cainml said...

I am a friend of Rebecca, and even though you don't know me, I feel like I know you through her. I was devastated to hear the news about your precious Julian. It isn't fair. I hope you can find peace and solace in the fact that there are many people (even in Iowa) that are thinking about you and praying for you and your family at this difficult time.

I have a friend that lost her first child (a baby boy) to SIDS probably 25 years ago or so. I told her your story. I will ask her to reach out to you (if you want) to give you some support.

God bless.


Bex said...

that was so beautiful, it made me cry. I am thinking about you and Julius all the time. I love you.

Angie said...

I'm so sorry for the loss of your precious son. That book is definitely a good one (we too lost our daughter, though she died shortly after she was born at 23+2 wks.) I have a list of memorial type websites (like the butterfly release one, but about 10 or so others) that I would be happy to forward to you if you'd like. If you'd like more book recommendations, I can get that for you too. I am praying for you and your family. Hang in there. The first few months are definitely the hardest, it's never easier, but it does get easier to get through the day as time passes, but I know that's really hard to believe the first few months of grieving.

KWombles said...

My deepest sympathies to you on the loss your son.

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