Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Adjustments

today is just one of those days, when the weight of Julius' absence seems almost suffocating...

i'm having a hard time adjusting these days. i've had to make so many adjustments over the last 4.5 months, and i'm tired of it. somewhere in between february 12th, and today we hit the milestone of Juju being gone longer than he had been alive. i've been trying to keep myself busy, so i missed that exact day. and thankfully, february spared me dealing with the 30th. but just because we never hit feb 30th, doesn't mean that i don't know that my baby would have turned 9 months old!! i can't believe that i would have had a 9 month old. i wonder what he would be doing now...

i still continue to adjust to being a childless mother. a few short months ago, i was attending playdates, and researching highchairs, car seats, diapers. i was trying to figure out how to get Julius to take a bottle. i was helping him to have a "painless" teething experience. i was walking down the baby isles beaming with pride as i searched for something cute to bring home to Juju. and now i feel as though, as my dear friend B so eloquently posted, "my membership has been revoked."

i'm still adjusting to being a couple again. i'm not sure why. i've been D's girlfriend/fiancee/wife for much longer than i've ever been Julius' mother. i've spent more time living with D than i ever have lived with Juju. but now, it's different. i'm not trying to say that my feelings for my husband have changed. on the contrary, i actually feel closer to him/more secure in our relationship right now than i ever have in the 12+ years that we've been together. i am extremely lucky to have him, especially when so many couples end up separating after such a tragedy. but those 4.5 months with Julius, those 40 weeks carrying him altered me so profoundly.

a couple of month ago, D told me that he felt as though he had lost a big part of "me" {he didn't say it in a critical way at all, we were just having an honest discussion}. and i fell silent. usually i'm trying to refute something he's said, but this time i knew without a doubt that he was 100% right. he had lost a big part of me, because i know that i've lost a big part of myself - a 19lb part of myself, to be exact. i know that somewhere deep down a piece of happy, non-grieving tiffany is there. but it takes A LOT of strength {most of the time too much for me to muster} to bring her to the surface. and i don't think she will ever be back permanently, unfortunately {it's sad because i really liked her too}.

i try to think about my life before Julius and i can't. i wonder why i was ever afraid of becoming a parent. i wonder why i was terrified to lose my "freedom." i have the ability to pick up and go anywhere i want without thinking of schedules, child care, feeding schedules, and i hate it. i would give anything and everything to go back in time, to be with my baby boy again. but since that's not possible, i will continue making adjustments.

"‎No one else will ever know the strength of my love for you, after all, you're the only one who knows what my heart sounds like from the inside." - unknown

12 comments:

Angel said...

Praying for you!! In time this has to get easier.. I think if you ever have another one Juju will live thru that one. I only have one and hes 2 but after reading Juju is watching from above!!! (((((((HUGS))))))

BrownieGirl said...

That quotation at the end is amazing. So true. And I'm sorry you've having a rough time, pumpkin. I'm sure it's the kind of thing that goes in cycles, like you're getting a little closer to the surface and then you get dragged back down into the depths again. One day you'll break the surface and feel absolute joy again AND you'll celebrate feeling it and know that it's not a betrayal of your Juju. It may be WAY down the path, but I have faith that that moment will come when your whole heart will open up and your butterfly will be released, stronger and more beautiful than ever.

Boo's Mom said...

I just started following your blog and I feel your pain through your words. I hope and pray that you find peace. I dont claim to know what you are going through because I've never been through it but I hope that it makes you feel better knowing that your little angel is watching over you. Hugs Mama.

TanaLee Davis said...

Tiffany,
I feel for your loss. I pray that you will come to a place were the memory of Julius will only be happy and not of sorrow. Though you grieve out loud I see that inner "tiffany" you talked about. You have a glow about you, one of joy and hope. You may be crying on the outside but your words scream a new beginning. You may not see it now but I believe there is a light on the end of this tunnel for you. What that is I'm not sure but I believe good will come to you.
~Felicia

Deanna said...

I also was glad that February didn't have a "30th" but it didn't erase that River would have been 22 months old...we are nearing his 2nd birthday. I can't believe it, 2 years has gone by since he joined our family.

I understand what you mean about adjusting your relationship with your spouse, you are still a family in your hearts, but the outside world sees a couple.

Know that you are thought of often, and your sweet Julius is in our hearts too. I hope that you will find peace knowing he has touched so many lives! Hugs!!!

My New Normal said...

Such a lovely post. I too treasure my husband just that much more since losing my baby boy. You two have both lost a big piece of yourselves. It will take time and adjustment to find yourselves again.

Neither of you will be the same as before. You are both changed. What's so lovely to read is that you are navigating this new road together. Hang on to that.

Mary said...

Thank you for the beautiful post. The way you express yourself is so eloquent. Adjustment is going to take a long time...maybe even a lifetime. I know everyone syas it gets easier, but I often wonder if it does...It may not get easier, we just learn how to handle our emotions. We adapt to our new life. And, in a way, we did lose apart of ourselves when our babies died. A part that will never return, but again, we adapt to our new lives. Sending you lots of hugs!

sarah said...

Tiffany, this post really touched me today - you've got me crying big sloppy tears now. The thought that he's been out of your arms for as long now (or longer) as he was in them breaks my heart. And, wow, thinking of what he'd be like at 9 months. 9 months just seems like such a milestone - like he'd be starting that swing from "infant" to "toddler" and it makes me so very very very sad that you don't get to experience that with him. I'm so sorry.

E often says to me that he feels like he lost a big part of me when Otis died. I have to agree. And try as I may, it's a part of me that I'll never reclaim, I'll never find again. It's one of the many additional and more complex layers of loss, I think.

Sending you much love, and thinking sweet thoughts of your Juju.

Dal and Lottie said...

I came across these words and thought they were beautiful...
"Who can measure a mother’s grief? Who can probe a mother’s love? Who can comprehend in its entirety the lofty role of a mother? With perfect trust in God, she walks, her hand in His, into the valley of the shadow of death, that you and I might come forth into light."

Brooke said...

Tiffany, I too am crying for you and your sweet, sweet Julius. Those of us who have lost our babies have most definitely lost pieces of ourselves as well. I hate this idea, but there's no denying it. We've lost our innocence, we've lost faith in the idea that this world makes sense, we've lost the effortless joy we used to have. Maybe we gain things through our suffering--compassion, wisdom, empathy--but none of those can even begin to make up for this loss. I see your love for Julius in the way you continue to make his life meaningful, and no matter how long he lived, or how long he's been gone, your love keeps him close, and that's something that can never be lost.

Missy said...

Beautiful words mama! I wonder often when all the adjusting will stop, when life will go back to "normal". It won't and that is just as hard as all the adjustments. All my love~

mad said...

i just found your blog and i just wanted to say how profoundly sorry i am for your loss. i can't imagine what it must feel like to go through such a horrific event and i am so so sorry that you and your husband have to. please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

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