Wednesday, March 9, 2011

"When the World turns its back on you..."

i know i've been a little quiet over here these days. this past week i've been dealing with the demons of grief. you just never know when it's going to sneak up on you, and it usually leaves me drained for a few days afterward. my heart has really been having a difficult time processing things. i find myself staring at his pictures trying to comprehend the fact that i have to spend the rest of MY life without him. that's a tough pill to swallow. i know that this information is not new information, but i don't think my brain really focused too much on it until now.

this morning brought me another major sobfest. but then afterward instead of feeling helpless {as i usually do}, i decided to do something about it. a scene from the disney movie - the lion king - flashed in my head. after simba lost his father in the stampede {i apologize to anyone i just spoiled this for}, he has this conversation with the meerkat, timon...

Timon: Look, kid. Bad things happen, and you can't do anything about it. Right?
Simba: Right.
Timon: Wrong! When the world turns its back on you, you turn your back on the world.

i definitely feel as though the world has turned its back on me. so i decided that i was going to do the same thing back {mature, i know}. i got out of bed, and did what i do best - plan. i am painfully aware of the fact that everything is out of my control. but i'm just not ok sitting and waiting for life to happen to/for me. i feel like i'm sitting on the sidelines, watching everyone else get a chace to play. and it's killing me. i'm in this terrible limbo...i'm a little further out of the "early early grief" stage, but i still can't see the forest from the trees. so i planned. i planned a trip to an acupuncturist {holy mother of Mary, i could seriously use any form of relaxation i can get these days}. and the plans i am the most excited about...

i planned a weekend trip for D and i at the end of the month to atlanta. i desperately need to get away from this place. from my house. from the memories. not from Juju, of course, he will be coming with us. i booked us a room in a really nice hotel. and i'm making plans now to schedule an appointment to get my memorial tattoo done. i'm stoked about getting a chance to hang out with D uninterrupted. stoked about the chance to stop doing everything by the book, like i always do, and just splurge on me, on us. i need this trip. i'm tired of feeling like the world is turning its back on me. i'm tired of doing the same things, day in and day out hoping something will change. i'm tired of depriving myself now because of "the future." i'm just tired.

so this has given me something to do, and something to look forward to...for now. we also plan to take a trip sometime in may {around his birthday}, so once we get back from our trip to atlanta, i will start on planning that one.


in some lighter news, this saturday is the end of giveaway #3. if you have not gotten a chance to enter, please check out this post and do so. this sunday is the day of my Thirty-One fundraiser party. my dear friend, nikki, will be donating 20% of the total sales to Juju's memorial fund at The CJ Foundation for SIDS {our goal is $5k in 2011}. please check out nikki's page to see all of the adorably cute things Thirty-One has to offer. you don't have to attend the party in person. you can order online directly from nikki, and all of the online sales {from now until march 13th} will count toward this event. so go score something cute for yourself and your loved ones!! ♥


Tiffany said...

Im so glad you planned a trip. it sounds lovely. I know you all will have a relaxing time. I am very excited to hear about the tattoo! I know getting mine was so very therapeutic. I cant wait to see photos.

Trena said...

((hugs)) ♥ I am so happy you are going on this trip. It will be good for the both of you.

Since the boys have passed away I always try to give myself something to look forward to. Whether it be a family dinner, a date night with Shawn, whatever it may be, it helps me get through the weeks.

Thinking of you and Juju always. ((hugs))

My New Normal said...

I think a weekend away sounds fabulous. Enjoy.

Our Journey said...

Sorry Tiffany :(
I hope you have a great time away. Enjoy.
Thinking of you. ((HUGS))

Tiffany said...

You deserve a little getaway! I hope it gives your mind a small rest from grief. It's hard because we always bring it with us but maybe some distraction will help.
I can't wait to see pictures of your tattoo. My mom just got one for Ellie and I want one too. I never, ever, thought I'd get one, but I've had something in mind for quite a while- I just have to do it.
I hope the next few days ahead of you are lighter and not so hard.
Hugs to you!!

Deanna said...

I am glad to hear you've found something to help you take a rest. I think that in the heaviest times of grief, no matter how far down the road we are, it becomes exhausting.

I hope that a trip will help clear some of the negative feelings, and you can enjoy your time away from "normal life." I love acupuncture! I wish there were some place closer to me, I'd go as often as I could! ;)

I got a tattoo about a month after River passed away, and I love it. It is a visual reminder that I carry him with me, wherever I go.

rebecca said...

The trip to Atlanta sounds perfect, I'm so glad you've made the decision to do this for both you & D. I hope that you're able to really enjoy yourselves and get some much deserved rest & relaxation! And SO excited about the memorial will not regret it, I LOVE mine and feel I'm carrying a piece of her around with me and I love to show it off and have the opportunity to talk to people about her.

Angie said...

I think that's a great idea. And I had to laugh about your side note for "spoiling" the Lion King. I hate that part where Simba's dad dies, though. :( Stupid death. I can't wait to see that tattoo!

Natasha said...

Yay for your trip!!!! So excited for you and I can't wait to see pictures :) I've never done acupuncture so I want to hear about your experience.....might have to check that out.

I love that you are getting your tattoo...I think I know what I want to get for Aiden- just waiting for the right time.

Raquel said...

Enjoy your trip!! I got my tatoo and it helps. It's a wonderful way to talk about your baby for people that ask about it but most importantly I feel like he is physically with me all the time!

Thank you for the sweet card. It was so needed that day!

Sending hugs your way!

Missy said...

The highs and lows never cease to amaze me. Grief is such a bizarre thing. I think the weekend getaway sounds wonderful, I only wish it could be done more frequently on my part! Enjoy yourself! You most definitely deserve it. Sending love~

Susan said...

Tiffany - we're in Spain at the moment - I'm finding it bitter sweet. I'm staring out the hotel window at an orange grove, heavy with fruit - Catherine never got to see an orange tree. All those should-have-beens - not fair!

But I'm with you on the need to plan. I think it gives you a sense of control - something that really disappears when your child dies. The last thing in the world you wanted to happen, happened, and there was sod all you could do about it. So it is good to practice getting some direction and control back. Have also been splurging on "us" in the hope it will make us feel better. You and your husband are the important ones now, and whatever you find to do that offers comfort or makes you feel an ounce better is the right thing to do.

Sending you much love - some days are always harder than others. xx

Rhiannon said...

I did the same thing about 4 or 5 months after we lost Harper...planned a few getaways and it was nice to have something to look forward to and help ease the pain and make time pass, if only for a bit. I hope that you and your husband have a nice trip to Atlanta, my hubby and I go every now and then (we live about 1.5 hours from there) and stay in a nice hotel, shop and go out to a nice dinner. It will be good to change the scenery!

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