"When the World turns its back on you..."

i know i've been a little quiet over here these days. this past week i've been dealing with the demons of grief. you just never know when it's going to sneak up on you, and it usually leaves me drained for a few days afterward. my heart has really been having a difficult time processing things. i find myself staring at his pictures trying to comprehend the fact that i have to spend the rest of MY life without him. that's a tough pill to swallow. i know that this information is not new information, but i don't think my brain really focused too much on it until now.

this morning brought me another major sobfest. but then afterward instead of feeling helpless {as i usually do}, i decided to do something about it. a scene from the disney movie - the lion king - flashed in my head. after simba lost his father in the stampede {i apologize to anyone i just spoiled this for}, he has this conversation with the meerkat, timon...

Timon: Look, kid. Bad things happen, and you can't do anything about it. Right?
Simba: Right.
Timon: Wrong! When the world turns its back on you, you turn your back on the world.

i definitely feel as though the world has turned its back on me. so i decided that i was going to do the same thing back {mature, i know}. i got out of bed, and did what i do best - plan. i am painfully aware of the fact that everything is out of my control. but i'm just not ok sitting and waiting for life to happen to/for me. i feel like i'm sitting on the sidelines, watching everyone else get a chace to play. and it's killing me. i'm in this terrible limbo...i'm a little further out of the "early early grief" stage, but i still can't see the forest from the trees. so i planned. i planned a trip to an acupuncturist {holy mother of Mary, i could seriously use any form of relaxation i can get these days}. and the plans i am the most excited about...

i planned a weekend trip for D and i at the end of the month to atlanta. i desperately need to get away from this place. from my house. from the memories. not from Juju, of course, he will be coming with us. i booked us a room in a really nice hotel. and i'm making plans now to schedule an appointment to get my memorial tattoo done. i'm stoked about getting a chance to hang out with D uninterrupted. stoked about the chance to stop doing everything by the book, like i always do, and just splurge on me, on us. i need this trip. i'm tired of feeling like the world is turning its back on me. i'm tired of doing the same things, day in and day out hoping something will change. i'm tired of depriving myself now because of "the future." i'm just tired.

so this has given me something to do, and something to look forward to...for now. we also plan to take a trip sometime in may {around his birthday}, so once we get back from our trip to atlanta, i will start on planning that one.

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in some lighter news, this saturday is the end of giveaway #3. if you have not gotten a chance to enter, please check out this post and do so. this sunday is the day of my Thirty-One fundraiser party. my dear friend, nikki, will be donating 20% of the total sales to Juju's memorial fund at The CJ Foundation for SIDS {our goal is $5k in 2011}. please check out nikki's page to see all of the adorably cute things Thirty-One has to offer. you don't have to attend the party in person. you can order online directly from nikki, and all of the online sales {from now until march 13th} will count toward this event. so go score something cute for yourself and your loved ones!! ♥