Wednesday, March 16, 2011

5 Month Angelversary & Other Randomness

if grief were an actual person standing in front of me right now, i'd almost certainly punch him/her in the face. repeatedly. i'm pretty sure i would end up in jail at the end of it all. i'm spending most of my days these days in the "anger" stage of grief. as i look at the pictures of my fellow bereaved parents' angels, i can't help but become enraged. all of these perfect, innocent babies ripped from the arms of those that love them the most. stolen from this world by death. causing a ripple effect of heartache and pain. it just doesn't seem right, just, fair {dare i even use that word?}. i continue to ask the question "why?" daily. why Julius? why my baby boy? why us? i obviously have yet to receive an answer to my questions. but honestly, there is no answer that would be adequate or sufficient for me. there will never be an answer that i will accept.

this past saturday was Juju's 5 month angelversary. it, as expected, was a difficult day. i think i cried on and off the entire day. thankfully, i had scheduled an appointment with my counselor on that day. i don't think i realized it at the time, but it turned out to be a great idea. dennis and i decided to go out to eat, which was nice. we got to talk a bit, and i cried a bit more. i decided as we were heading to our car that i needed to do something to show Juju that i missed him. so we headed across the street from where we were to dollar tree, and i picked up a balloon to send him.



God bless dollar tree and their supply of balloons. if only i had brought my permanent marker with me {which from now on i will keep in my car at all times} i would have been set. but i was glad that i got to send him a little something anyway - my way of "mothering" him from afar, i suppose.

this weekend i also moved on to volume 3 of my journal {"letters to Juju"}. i know i have mentioned before that starting at a week after Julius passed away, i began writing him a letter everyday. it has brought me so much comfort to have that time dedicated to my baby boy, to tell him all the things that he's been missing, to tell him how much i'm missing and loving him. this is one of the reasons i was so moved to help out franchesca with Jenna journal drive. journaling has been such a big part of my grief journey. so i feel compelled to help give another grieving parent this option if they want it. i have put my 2 completed volumes in my time capsule with Juju's special things for safe-keeping.

Vol. 1
Vol. 2
Vol. 3
they all seem to have very fitting messages on the cover too {they have all been given to me by friends as well}. Vol 3 says "this is my wish for you:" and has a bunch of very touching wishes, but i underlined a few that spoke to my heart...
  • "comfort on difficult days"
  • "rainbows to follow the clouds"
  • "faith so that you can believe"
  • "patience to accept the truth"
  • "love to complete your life"
right now those seem to be my deepest wishes, and i think it was just fitting that i got this journal when i did {and i have felt the same about each of the other journals}.

and lastly i would like you all to lift my dear friend tiffany up in thoughts and prayers. today is her daughter's 4th birthday up in heaven. as may looms nearer every day, and the dread i feel in my chest thinking about Juju's 1st birthday builds, i can not imagine the pain of having to celebrate 4 whole years without him. it never gets any easier to say goodbye to your baby, to your firstborn {as Genesis is for tiffany}. tiffany, i'm constantly thinking of your baby girl. but i'm holding you, the one left behind, extra close to my heart today. she will always be remembered, she will always be loved. ♥ Genesis ♥

15 comments:

Tiffany said...

<3 ::tears::

Becky said...

oh, that is awesome that you write a letter to him everyday. I got a journal a week after my Liam passed away and wrote letters and my daily thoughts a lot at first but now I mainly just use my blog. I hope this difficult days isn't to hard on you today

Megan said...

{ALWAYS here for you.} Sending every ounce of love I have your way! :')

MrsH said...

I think your letters are an awesome idea. I only wish I had the patience for handwriting again, after being so heavily on the computer, I lost that art. Love the idea of sending the balloons up there

Mary said...

Each anniversary is so hard. And I know that May is quickly approaching. I remember how I felt on what would have been Gage's first birthday and I will do anything and everything I can to help you through that milestone. We will celebrate Juju's life with smiles and tears. Sending love your way today and every day, Mary

Caroline said...

Always thinking of you so much. The letters are great it's a nice way to help yourself heal. I had a social worker tell me that after I lost a special person in my life.
{{HUGS}}

M4M4 said...

thinking of you. so glad we met.

Natasha said...

I love your journals- I write Aiden letters in a journal as well...not every day but often and I keep him updated on what me and his daddy are doing. I feel like it's a way I can stay connected to him.

I'm with you on the anger stage. These days I go back and forth between being angry and crying. I feel like a crazy person sometimes. It is so very unfair this hand we have all been dealt. I'm praying for you mama as well as Tiffany and Genesis today.

((hugs))

Susan said...

I actually found Catherine's b'day easier than other days. To me it was just another day to miss her, but everyone else was very focused on thinking of her, visiting her grave, leaving flowers etc., and I found that very comforting. For a day, I felt "accompanied in my grief" iyswim... Just to give you the possibility that it may be easier than you fear

Tiffany said...

I feel the anger too. Will we ever understand why our babies aren't here with us? Thinking of you and Julius and his bright happy smiling face.

rebecca said...

I definitely went through a deep anger stage, anger at God especially...in time I've been able to let go of some of that, but these losses are still something I'll never fully understand.
I love your journals, the messages on them are incredibly fitting. Sending you love as always my friend ((hugs))

Mary said...

(((Hugs))) Thinking of yot and sweet Julius today

Lindsay said...

I love the journal idea. I used my blog for that for some time, but I want to do something directly for Ayden...especially now that Collen is in our lives. So much of my time is directed towards Collen; I love the idea of time just for Ayden...telling him about our day, life, his brother, and our feelings almost 2 years later.

Sending hugs your way....I know the anger stage well. It was tough for me and started right around this time for me, too. I'm here if you need anything at all...

Jenny said...

Thinking of you. I think back to when it was just months out and I'm not sure how I survived. I think about it being a year now and I still don't know how i survived. Its different but the same. stupid grief :(

brigette said...

What a great idea to journal!! Thinking of you and julius. Praying! Much love!

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