And I'm Sick...

well i'm sick. i think i picked up something nasty from my dear friend who was sick this past weekend. quite frankly i'm surprised that in the 5+ months that Juju has been gone {has it really been that long???}, this is the 1st time i've been sick. with all the stress and strain that my body has been under, i'm truly shocked that it took this long to find myself here. but now in my new life as a grieving mother, a cold is not just a cold, it's a trigger. having a fever is not just having a fever, it's a trigger. in addition to just feeling extra sad, in addition to missing Julius even more, missing the fact that i no longer have to consider how my being sick would affect my child, i flash back to the time {the only time} that my baby boy had a fever...

he had just gotten one of his vaccination shots, and a few hours later was acting miserable. D called me at work and told me that he was behaving strangely. apparently he would start crying to be held, and then once he was being held he would quiet down, but the second you moved him away from you he would begin whimpering again. well, i took off of work and went straight home to see what was wrong, when i realized that he was having a fever reaction to his shots.

that night was a very long, stressful night for all of us. he was super needy, and we were running around trying to do everything humanly possible to make him feel better. it was so hard to see him in such a state. at one point, around 3 am, D decided to call the doc. needless to say, the doc was a bit irritated at us since he felt that what we were calling about was addressed in the informational sheet he gave us during our visit. i was so frazzled that my baby wasn't feeling well, and then that the doc now hated me that i went into our closet, shut the door and had a really good cry. a few minutes later, i pulled myself together and went back to mother my son. we finally got calmed down, and went back to sleep. when we woke up later that morning, he was feeling like his happy self again.

what i wouldn't give to have a fever be my worst problem again...

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prayer requests:

if you could please spare a thought/prayer for 2 lovely ladies, and baby loss mommas...

annette, mom to Valentina, who was pregnant with her rainbow baby, Little Bee. late last week, she learned that she had lost Little Bee. she is now a mom to 2 beautiful angels. the pain that you feel when you lose a child is unbearable, and here is this amazing woman, this loving and devoted mother, that has now lost 2 children. i will never begin to understand why these things happen or how the heart handles so much pain.

kalialani, mom to Leila. Leila is celebrating her first birthday in heaven today. like i've said before, i know may 30 will be a very emotional day for me. a day that should be spent celebrating the life of your child, is spent feeling the weight of their absence. it's just heartwrenching.

annette and kalialani, i'm thinking about both of you and holding you extra close to my heart. i hope that my prayers and the prayers of others are enough to get you over this intense wave of grief. i'm just so sorry that either of you have to feel this pain. ((hugs))