barriers to grieving...

i suppose there comes a time in everyone's life when they have to deal with removing a toxic person from their lives. and i suppose the same is true in one's grief - when we have to encounter a person that negatively affects us on our grief journey. that's where i've been the last couple of weeks. on top of the dread i've been feeling about the upcoming month, i've had to deal with this, and it's taking a lot out of me.

I made the decision shortly after Julius passed away that I was only going to do things that bring me joy and happiness. I made the decision that I was going to cut out all stressful people/things from my life. My goal is to maximize my happiness, well, because I already don’t have enough of it to go around. My baby boy is gone, my world has been shattered, my heart broken. The last thing I need to deal with is added stress, added drama.there is no room in my life for drama and discord for name's sake. but i've learned that even in grief, not everyone follows the same principle.

it is hard to continue to move forward when you are faced with such a barrier. it is so hard to continue to want to reach out to those in need when your efforts have been turned around and used against you. it's so hard, especially in grief, to have to disappoint someone by telling them something they don't want to hear {for example, a group policy put in place to spare the hearts of bereaved parents in the group, and those that may come in the future}. it's even harder when they've taken what you have said and twisted it for the purpose of bad-mouthing you and the other innocent/grieving members of the group.

but sometimes you have to make the painful decision to remove a person from your life because of the toxicity. you have to do it to protect your grief, your heart, and the grief and hearts of the others. it is a difficult thing to do, especially because doing so does cause more hurt. but it is necessary.

normally i would say that this is a minor incident, a blip on the radar. i would brush it off, shake it off and move on. but after you experience a loss so profound, after your heart and world have been shattered, minor things like this become major. they lead to breakdowns and setbacks. because when  you are grieving, your guard is so far down. you are operating at a loss, literally and figuratively. you have no extra energy to spare to try and fix things or smooth things over. you just have to retreat. retreat and protect your already broken heart. retreat to continue grieving. so that's what i've done.

though this has brought some discouragement and doubt that i am actually doing good to help grieving parents out there. i will press on. because i know a few things. i know that i'm a good {albeit broken} person. i know that i have amazing friends that have gotten me through so far. i know that my little {now incomplete} family is the only thing that matters. i know that my baby boy's love has changed me forever. and i know that with his help i will get through this too...