Friday, April 22, 2011

barriers to grieving...

i suppose there comes a time in everyone's life when they have to deal with removing a toxic person from their lives. and i suppose the same is true in one's grief - when we have to encounter a person that negatively affects us on our grief journey. that's where i've been the last couple of weeks. on top of the dread i've been feeling about the upcoming month, i've had to deal with this, and it's taking a lot out of me.

I made the decision shortly after Julius passed away that I was only going to do things that bring me joy and happiness. I made the decision that I was going to cut out all stressful people/things from my life. My goal is to maximize my happiness, well, because I already don’t have enough of it to go around. My baby boy is gone, my world has been shattered, my heart broken. The last thing I need to deal with is added stress, added drama.there is no room in my life for drama and discord for name's sake. but i've learned that even in grief, not everyone follows the same principle.

it is hard to continue to move forward when you are faced with such a barrier. it is so hard to continue to want to reach out to those in need when your efforts have been turned around and used against you. it's so hard, especially in grief, to have to disappoint someone by telling them something they don't want to hear {for example, a group policy put in place to spare the hearts of bereaved parents in the group, and those that may come in the future}. it's even harder when they've taken what you have said and twisted it for the purpose of bad-mouthing you and the other innocent/grieving members of the group.

but sometimes you have to make the painful decision to remove a person from your life because of the toxicity. you have to do it to protect your grief, your heart, and the grief and hearts of the others. it is a difficult thing to do, especially because doing so does cause more hurt. but it is necessary.

normally i would say that this is a minor incident, a blip on the radar. i would brush it off, shake it off and move on. but after you experience a loss so profound, after your heart and world have been shattered, minor things like this become major. they lead to breakdowns and setbacks. because when  you are grieving, your guard is so far down. you are operating at a loss, literally and figuratively. you have no extra energy to spare to try and fix things or smooth things over. you just have to retreat. retreat and protect your already broken heart. retreat to continue grieving. so that's what i've done.

though this has brought some discouragement and doubt that i am actually doing good to help grieving parents out there. i will press on. because i know a few things. i know that i'm a good {albeit broken} person. i know that i have amazing friends that have gotten me through so far. i know that my little {now incomplete} family is the only thing that matters. i know that my baby boy's love has changed me forever. and i know that with his help i will get through this too...

18 comments:

Tiffany said...

oh honey, i dont know what happened but Im so sorry you have had something happen. I agree with you 110%. no blm needs any added drama and stress. havent we been through enough? sadly some people thrive on the excitement of drama and such... it is best to remove that negative energy from your life. Life is hard enough carrying the burden we already do, no need to add to that weight. sending you my love as always. Im here if you ever need anything XXXX

LauraJane said...

You definitely don't need any negativity clouding your thoughts and attempts to heal yourself. Like Tiffany in the comment above said, there are definitely people who enjoy the drama which comes from hurting people and no one needs that right now.

Susie Q said...

Do not doubt yourself. It is obvious that you are doing so much good in so many peoples lives. I'm so very impressed by how you and other BLMs are using the memories of your children to inspires yourselves and each other to reach out to those who have had the misfortune to be a part of your community. Though I wish no one ever had to experiance that loss, I know that those who have will be blessed to have people like you to understand and support them.

Tiffany said...

Tiffany, I'm sorry for whatever happened to upset you. I am in the exact same place with my opinion of extra drama right now. We don't need the extra stress. I am sad to hear that anyone would cause you extra stress especially in regard to your efforts of helping others. You are have been such a great friend to me and so many other people. I hate that we are in this situation, but happy that our babies have led us to each other. Keep your head up and keep doing all of the amazing things you have been doing. Your little Juju is no doubt, proud of you and the amazing legacy you are creating for him. Lots of love to you my friend!

brigette said...

Im sorry someone has hurt you when you are already down!! Its not right and you have the right to remove them. You are AMAZING!! You make a difference in my life. You are a strong, lovely woman!! Thanks for your example!!

Natasha said...

OMG you have me so angry over here. I cannot believe someone would ever question your intentions.

You most definitely do not need any extra drama or stress in your life....our life is already hard enough.

Here is what I know:

1. I know you are a fabulous mommy and that Mr. Julius smiles down from Heaven every day and says "See her- that's my mama! Isn't she the best!"

2. You have been an amazing friend to me during the most difficult time in my life- you are WONDERFUL!!! I thank God for sending me such a special angel :)

3. You are an awesome support for other moms and families experiencing the loss of a child- your In His Name site is so special and so full of resources. Your survival kits are a blessing to so many people.

4. Leading a support/loss group is tough- especially when you still have so much pain yourself. You are so strong for doing what you do.

I love you girl! Let me know if you need anything!

xoxo

ASHLEY ELDER said...

I am so sorry that you are having to deal with so much other CRAP when you are still in the thickness of your grief. HUGS! I hope things get better for you and know that I am thinking and praying for you! You deserve happiness and joy!

TanaLee Davis said...

This is yet another challenge many of us BLM's must face. The uprooting of friends, family and once thought comforters out of our lives due to their comments and actions dragging us across the floor.
I'm proud of you for mustering the strength to do so and soon you will reap the benefits of this challenge.
I'm sorry that it had to be done in the first place but once the choice has been made you will be better for it in the long run.
If you ever need someone to talk with, I am always here.
My email: pinkpokadotz90@yahoo.com
Thinking of you always,

Felicia

crystal said...

Praying for you. Just remember the saying: you reap what you sow. Just pray and God will take care of the rest. If you get a chance, go to my page and read my post To All Of My BLM Friends!!! I hope it helps you.

Brooke said...

So sorry for the added drama. Remember when we thought life was hard before? Oh how silly I used to be. Thinking of you.

Becky said...

I don't know what was said or happened but you don't need any negativity. You deserve to be happy. You are a good person and are an amazing mother to Julius. Thinking of you!

MrsH said...

I think you are right to eliminate toxic people, it helps enormously from several points of view: the toxic person is gone and cannot upset you anymore, you feel more free and also more empowered that there are aspects of your life that you can control. It's like cleaning the house in spring, only you weed out those people who are a hindrance not a help. totally must do it.

Mary said...

Tiffany, I'm so sorry you have to deal with this on top of everything else. But ou're absolutel right. You don't need a toxic person in your life, especially now. Surround yourself with people that care...you deserve it.

New Year Mum said...

You certainly don't need added stress or disappointment in the relationships around you... hope whatever you needed to do went OK and agree that during grief it is so important to protect your precious heart. Love to you always xoxo

Caroline said...

I'm so sorry someone is hurting you. You don't need this. You are a wonderful friend & a awesome Mama. Love you.

M4M4 said...

I was very surprised to hear the thing that you are talking about. The thing, not you talking about it. I understand removing toxicity and only doing things that make you feel happiness. It's hard enough not having these babies with us. We don't need any added guilt or pressure to put aside our grief and celebrate another's triumphs. I hope this does not bother you too much for too long. It is not worth the worry. There is still good in the world, even if it is foggier now. Thankyou for what you do, for being my friend and for not making me feel uncomfortable. :)

Rhiannon said...

I am sorry that someone would twist your well intentioned words around. Some people just thrive in drama, I guess. But you are right, there is no room for that in the life of a grieving mother. You owe it to you to surround yourself only with caring, loving, supportive people. Lots of love and hugs to you, mama

Patty said...

I learned the deeper meaning of boundaries through grief also. There are people that I had to be direct with because "hinting" didnt' get through to them. Then there was a time when I said that I wasn't ready to meet up even to pray together... People think we are okay after a year but there will still be ups and downs.

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