Thursday, April 7, 2011

MIA...

i'm still here. still fighting to make it. this week i've hit a bit of a rough patch. it seems like a pattern - the ebb and flow of grief. i may have a decent week or few days, and then i crash. and well, this week has been the "crash" week. sometimes i feel my heart trying so hard to process what has happened, to come to terms with what has happened and our new reality, my new reality. but other times {like this week}, i feel my heart, like a child throwing a temper tantrum {yet, another thing Julius will never be able to experience}, wailing and screaming and kicking. trying hard to find some glitch in the system that makes this whole thing go away, trying hard to find the secret code or magic word that will reverse what has happened, and bring my baby back to me. i keep waiting for the alarm clock to go off, the one that wakes me out of this terrible nightmare that is my life. i keep waiting...

this week not even looking at his pictures has brought me comfort like it usually does. i just stare at his little face, and see the gorgeous boy i birthed, so full of life and love. i see the little person that brought me nothing but happiness every single day of his life, that made me smile and laugh every single day of his life. he made me blissfully happy all 135 days he was here with us. and then, just like that, in the blink of an eye, he was gone. just.like.that. my world forever changed, my heart forever shattered. it's very hard to wrap my head around that truth normally, but it's been even more difficult this week.

so i apologize for being extra quiet over here {though i know you all understand and forgive me}. when i have these "moments" it pretty much zaps me of all energy and will to do anything besides the bear minimum needed to make it through the day. all of the energy i have left gets transferred over to do the necessary job of just functioning. and hopefully soon the intense grief cloud will lift, and i'll be able to breathe again. i keep waiting...

22 comments:

Summer {athena in the middle} said...

"the ebb and flow of grief" -- so true.

and we cannot control it, can we?

my love is with you.

Cori said...

Will be thinking of you hun. Xoxox

Cori said...

Will be thinking of you hun. Xoxox

Natasha said...

It really does hit at the most unexpected moments...grief. You can be perfectly fine one day and the next day something knocks you off your feet. It brings you completely to your knees. It is so hard- what we've been asked to carry with us for the rest of our days. So unfair.

I have my temper tantrum moments too......you just want to scream until someone fixes it. Only no one ever comes to fix it. It sucks. Really really sucks.

You know you have my love....praying for you today lady.....

Remembering Juju right along with you....

xoxo

Becky said...

If only all of the screaming could actually result in fixing our broken hearts
Thinking of you and Juju

TanaLee Davis said...

I know how you feel. I'm in that bad patch myself.
thank you for putting out to the rest of us how you are even though you have no obligation. You are allowed to have your days as I do mine. Go do one thing special for yourself, you like coffee go get one that you don't have to feel guilty for...you like the mall....go buy a new blouse or earrings....just give yourself one good reason to smile...I'll do the same.
Hugs from Oregon (& its weird spring weather)
~Felicia

Lisette said...

((HUGS))

Tanashia said...

((Hugs))

Tiffany said...

Waiting with you.

Angie said...

It will. Just keep hanging in there.
Thinking of you and your beautiful baby.

Brooke said...

Thinking of you. I'm in a huge grief slump myself, so know that you're not crying alone.

Lily said...

My heart goes to all of you. Big hugs for you tiffany. May this be the worst of the pain. I was once told that God doesn't put in front of you anything that you can't handle. In this case, I don't see how it would make sense bc it's just not right. For any mom. Xx

MELISSA said...

Thought of you today when I passed by a kids crafts store and got angry all over again, for what you were never given the chance to do with Julius.

Know that people are thinking of you everyday and sending you vibes of strength.

rebecca said...

So very true, grief is all consuming at times and all of us know that well. Abiding with you, sending love, and hope that you find peace. Love to you my friend ((hugs))

Caroline said...

Thinking of you always {{{HUGS}}}

LauraJane said...

I understand the temper tantrums, I have those too.

Thinking of you.

Emmy said...

Thinking of you.

MrsH said...

Thank you for taking the time to post this, it is so good to see that you can and you do go on. I think you are going through a trough point because your mind knows that you can handle it and is dealing with more pain than usual ... the work of grieving. You are doing it well. It changes every day.

Jen said...

Thinking of you.

New Year Mum said...

Sorry to hear that you're having a crash week.... there are so many twists and turns in grief. Hope you feel more peaceful soon... my heart is with you xoxo

Rhiannon said...

The ebb and flow....it is so hard. Always thinking of you and sweet Juju <3

Natalie Ross said...

Thinking of you and praying for you. Hope this week is better for you.
Love, Natalie Ross

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