MIA...

i'm still here. still fighting to make it. this week i've hit a bit of a rough patch. it seems like a pattern - the ebb and flow of grief. i may have a decent week or few days, and then i crash. and well, this week has been the "crash" week. sometimes i feel my heart trying so hard to process what has happened, to come to terms with what has happened and our new reality, my new reality. but other times {like this week}, i feel my heart, like a child throwing a temper tantrum {yet, another thing Julius will never be able to experience}, wailing and screaming and kicking. trying hard to find some glitch in the system that makes this whole thing go away, trying hard to find the secret code or magic word that will reverse what has happened, and bring my baby back to me. i keep waiting for the alarm clock to go off, the one that wakes me out of this terrible nightmare that is my life. i keep waiting...

this week not even looking at his pictures has brought me comfort like it usually does. i just stare at his little face, and see the gorgeous boy i birthed, so full of life and love. i see the little person that brought me nothing but happiness every single day of his life, that made me smile and laugh every single day of his life. he made me blissfully happy all 135 days he was here with us. and then, just like that, in the blink of an eye, he was gone. just.like.that. my world forever changed, my heart forever shattered. it's very hard to wrap my head around that truth normally, but it's been even more difficult this week.

so i apologize for being extra quiet over here {though i know you all understand and forgive me}. when i have these "moments" it pretty much zaps me of all energy and will to do anything besides the bear minimum needed to make it through the day. all of the energy i have left gets transferred over to do the necessary job of just functioning. and hopefully soon the intense grief cloud will lift, and i'll be able to breathe again. i keep waiting...