Wednesday, April 13, 2011

I'd Rather Have a Broken Bone

in april 2009, i broke my ankle and a bone in my lower leg while on vacation in puerto rico {how you ask? well, by stepping down off of a horse the wrong way. lame, i know}. my first ever broken bone and emergency trip to the hospital came while i was on vacation. i remember so vividly laying in the middle of the street in such excruciating pain. trying not to move, crying because it all hurt so much. riding in the ambulance on the bumpy streets of puerto rico, crying because it hurt so much. the painfully slow recovery from ankle surgery. the bed rest, swelling, the slump of depression because i couldn't do ANYTHING for myself, the crutches, the boot, and lots of pain. i remember it all.

a year and a half later, and i have another emergency situation. i have another run-in with a hospital, an ambulance, and lots of pain. but this time it's because of my infant son. this time, it's because my baby boy stopped breathing.

yesterday was Julius' 6 month angelversary. saturday is the 2 year anniversary of my broken ankle. and as incredibly painful as breaking my ankle was, i would go through it again 1000 times if it meant i could have my son back. i would gladly take every agonizing moment. because the pain of breaking a bone {or two like in my case} is nothing, absolutely nothing, in comparison to losing a child. this is by far the worst thing i have ever experienced. it's a wonder that i've made it this far...

14 comments:

My New Normal said...

I'd rather have a broken bone too. Hugs to you.

Becky said...

I remember all the past injuries I've had also and complained about having to lay around for a month to heal and how it was ruining my summer,etc. I'd give anything to be injured again if it meant he could be here.
Thinking of you and Julius always and hope everything went as well as it could have yesterday for his 6 month angelversary.

Deanna said...

I know this ALL to well!! I actually fractured a bone in my foot while pregnant with River and ended up on bed rest to let it heal (months 5 to 8). The idea behind bed rest was because they didn't want to do surgery while I was pregnant, and were trying to avoid it after I delivered him. This way I wouldn't end up on bed rest because of surgery, and with a newborn at home...little did we know.

It did heal, and about 2 weeks before I had him, I had the JOY of getting rid of the boot! {I would have worn that damn boot the rest of my life, if it meant River could still be here}

Oh, this post brings back so many memories of how I felt after he died thinking I was VERY angry that I endured all of that for him, and he was gone! Eventually I realized how fortunate I was to be "stuck" home with him, and enjoying that part of my pregnancy feeling his every movement!

Thank you for sharing, Tiffany!

Mary said...

Amen Momma! I found myself saying, one day not long ago, that I would gladly be hit by a tractor trailer again if it meant my daughter would still be alive. The pain from my injuries after my accident was NOTHING compared to the pain of her death. I'm so sorry you have to celebrate angelversaries instead of birthdays. I wish I could change it for all of us...hugs to you momma!

Natasha said...

Sending you hugs.....this pain is so much worse than any physical pain. It doesn't heal the way a broken bone does- the pain never goes away.

I am so very sorry that you have to deal with this....that any of us have to deal with this. It is the most horrible thing in the world.

Know that I'm praying for you and missing that cute little guy right a long with you.

xoxo

ASHLEY ELDER said...

Thinking of you...I know what you mean, I would rather go through ANYTHING to have my son back :(

bibc said...

i wish you didn't know this pain, this community, this loss.
i wish your beautiful boy was back where he belongs.
im so sorry this is your reality. i hate it for you.
xoxo
lis

Rebecca said...

I'm so sorry. Thinking of you. <3

(((Hugs)))

Brooke said...

This healing process is so much slower than a broken ankle, and we'll never be really fixed ever again. But I do hope you can remember that the hurting is part of the healing. As you heal, you're finding a way to move forward without leaving Julius behind. I just wish it didn't have to be like this. For any of us.

Susan said...

Yes - physical pain is nothing much compared to the agonies of losing a child. At least the broken bone got better.

Sending you a hug {{{Tiffany}}} No one knows how they manage to go on - but some how we just do - that's the important thing xx

The Great Elephant Symposium said...

The pain of losing a child will never ever go away like any other physical pain anyone might get. It gets bearable with time but never goes away. Sending you many many hugs during this time. Thinking of you Tiffany!

Rhiannon said...

Thinking of you <3

New Year Mum said...

My heart goes out to you... love and thoughts to you and Julius xoxo

MrsH said...

Oh yeah, I would take the broken ankle a thousand times as well...and any kind of torture imaginable. Nothing compares to losing your son. So much unbearable pain.

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