mother's day

first i want to say thank you to everyone that weighed in on my picture frame issue. i still haven't finalized what i'm going to do, but i think i'm going to do something for both of them in that corner (DIY photo canvases perhaps, thank you pinterest). and pack his picture frame away (but i think i will fill it with his birth - 4 month pictures first. i need to).

well in a few more days, may will be upon us. i almost had a panic attack in the car thinking of all the milestone days in that one month: bereaved mother's day, mother's day, baby girl turning 4 months, baby girl turning 4.5 months, Julius' birthday, and his 19 month angelversary. my goodness, if i wasn't nursing i would be tempted to stock the fridge full of wine to help me deal with this next month.

but in the midst of all the anxiety and worry, i am oddly excited for mother's day this year. this will be the 1st year that i don't feel like a fraud (and of course i'm assuming that we are all still here by then and that no major devastation has made it's way into our lives again). now before anyone has the urge to go all "polyanna" on me, please understand that i know i am and always will be a mother. even after Julius passed away i still considered myself a mother. but i felt like a phoney. i had no one to mother on this side. and so i mothered (and still do) his memory/legacy. but i desperately wanted him, and wanted so bad to do all of those things that go along with being a mother.

in 2010 i was weeks away from birthing my baby boy. in 2011 i was a bereaved mom who had JUST found out i was pregnant again for the 2nd time (my mother's day gift from my son). so i was a mother to 2 children, but neither of them were physically present. and this year i may actually get to experience my first mother's day as an earthly mom.

i've got big plans for that day, which begins with D serving me a big breakfast in bed (though i haven't mentioned that part to him). then, the lighting of Julius' candle. after that will be the presentation of gifts (i'm thinking a piece of personalized jewelry that has both of my children's names on it. again i haven't run that by D). and finally, the part that will take up the rest of the day, snuggling in bed with my little girl - that never gets old. now all i have to do is make it to that day. which sometimes seems like the hardest part.