so much good happening...

well, i might as well mention what my special project is now. it's already been promoted by my lovely friends and a couple of other worthy site. yay!

a few weeks ago, i received the email that put all of this in motion. a lovely woman, stephanie, and the founder of the organization Tiny Handprints contacted me. she started TH after she lost her precious 10 mo old baby boy, Jacob, in 2007; and i found her site shortly after i lost Juju. we communicated on several occasions via email, and since she was located not too far from where i live, i offered her my help any time she needed it. i was so inspired by her and her work, that i was even considering maybe persuing something similar in my area in the future {she even sent me, free of charge, 5 kits to help me get started}. well, when i received her email, i got chills thinking that Juju might have had a hand in it. she told me that she had been following my blog, and had been thinking of me {i was immediately humbled and honored}. she also went on to say that unfortunately she was going to have to close TH, and wanted to know if i wanted to, essentially, carry on the work that they started.

to say that i was even more humbled and honored would be an understatement. it left me speechless that she thought highly enough of me to ask me if i wanted to do this and carry on the legacy that Jacob started. i was also completely overwhelmed thinking of all the things that i would need to do in order to pull this off, but decided that i would do it anyway. i figured that if it had been placed in my path, it must be because Julius wants me to do it. my heart is wide open because of my son, and it's for him that i live the life that i have left on this earth. and so, In His Name was created {because well, i'm doing everything these days in Julius' name}...

we will continue to send out the "SIDS Survival Kits" that stephanie and the TH team developed to families in our immediate area (alabama and tennesse) that have been affected by SIDS. and will also be providing information, assistance, and comfort to any family that should contact us. we know first-hand how deep this pain runs, and want to be there for those who are unfortunate enough to find themselves on this dark road as well. if you would like to help, please go to In His Name and donate. all donations will be used to purchase the books that will be sent in the kits.

i also want to take some time to promote the great work and new project that franchesca from Small Bird Studios is doing. o, and did i mention that she is the sponsor of my monthly giveaway for febuary? so stop back by tomorrow to see what the giveaway is. anyway, as i mentioned before, she is a fellow BLM and lost her precious Jenna Belle in 2009. since then she has also been doing all she can to help bereaved parents, and make the world a better place in her baby girl's name. she has started the "Jenna Journal Drive" to provide new journals to NICU parents so that they have a way to record/document their memories with their precious babies while in the NICU and beyond.

journaling has always been an outlet for me, but it means even more now as it is my way to continue to stay connected with my baby boy. so when i saw her post, i knew that i also wanted to help with this. i will be collecting journals locally for this drive. if you are local to me {or even if you are not} and would like to donate a journal for the drive, please let me know. my goal is to collect at least 20 journals for franchesca and Jenna. all the journals that we send to franchesca will have a sticker inside saying that the journal was provided in memory of Julius. ♥ if you would like to send a journal or donate on your own, no problem, just click the button above and it will direct you to the post with the information.

thank you all for your support and your help. you all are amazing, and i don't know where i would be without you...♥

**updated to add that i will be sending the journals off to franchesca at the end of feb/beginning of march. so if you want to send a journal through us, let me know**

Paying it forward status...

i know yesterday's post was pretty heavy. and i thank everyone that responded, especially those who have/are experienced/experiencing similar feelings. your comments helped me to feel "normal" during a time that is nowhere near normal, or natural. it is so exhausting to live breath by breath as i have been doing since october 12th, but i don't have many options these days.

but i did want to take some time to talk about some of the things that have been happening, especially things that have developed this past weekend. i know i've mentioned here and here and here, about the fact that i am re-focusing my life and my priorities. it's hard to go through a major event like the loss of a child, and not be permanently changed. i've been trying to do only things that i consider meaningful in honor of my son. i want to give him a reason to be proud of his momma, and of course, i want to hold on to him for as long as i can. i'm currently working on a few projects that i hope to get underway shortly...

the 1st thing i'm working on is creating a Face2Face group in my area. kristin, angie, and the Faces of Loss staff have been working so very hard to bring BLMs together. and they have thought up the idea of having local social groups so that we can get together and have a safe place to talk about our little ones, and be around others that have experienced the pain of losing a child. it's not a support group, per se {though everyone will be there to give their support}. it's more about, as the FoL site puts it, a "simple gatherings of friends who share a deep common bond." in the past week, i have met a few local BLMs who have been so gracious and have offered to help me with this endeavor, so i'm hoping that soon we can get something up and running.

i've also been working on starting a local support group, again with the help of some determined BLMs. we are still in the process of discussing details and working on logistics so i'm not going to "spill the beans." but i'm really hopeful that we can get this kicked off soon too. and i'm so blessed to have met the women that i have in the past week. i hate the circumstances with which we have met, but these women are amazing. and just as determined as i am on making sure that BLMs in our area are fully supported.

the last project that i'm working on...well, this is the big secret. i'm definitely not going to mention anything about this until the details are worked out. but i'm just so excited about getting the opportunity to work on this project. and i'm pretty sure Juju put this project in my path on purpose. don't you just love suspense?!

and last but certainly not least, i again want to say "thank you" to everyone that has donated to Juju's memorial funds. we are so close to being halfway to our $5k goal. i am truly amazed at the generosity of people. and it makes me so proud to see how many people Juju has touched even though his life on this earth was so brief. i always knew that he was destined for greatness. i was just hoping that he would be doing those great things during his very long and happy life, not in his death. it doesn't make me any less proud of him, but i just wish i didn't have to be so heartbroken.

The Heart of Life...doing good in his name

a few nights ago, i was in bed listening to the john mayer song "the heart of life" {thanks for getting the song stuck in my head, kristin}. and though i had heard this song thousands of times {i'm a big JM fan, and have this cd}, it felt as though i was hearing it, especially the chorus, for the first time.

"Pain throws your heart to the ground. Love turns the whole things around. No it won't all go the way it should, but I know the heart of life is good."

the heart of life....good? these days i constantly feel like i'm being repetitively kicked in the gut by life. my infant son, my first born child is gone. how can it be good?

i've always been a bit cynical and skeptical of signs. i'm much more open to them these days because it is a way for me to continue to connect with my son. even if they are mere coincidences, i like to think that maybe everything lined up perfectly in the universe to allow me to receive or experience something. and it seems like every time i start to slip into sadness, i am sent a sign. for example, when i was laying in bed listening to this song, i, of course, started crying. and a few minutes later, received a text message from a friend telling me that she was thinking about me and Julius. she then went on to paint the most comforting picture for me of Juju and her mother, who has also passed away, together enjoying themselves in Heaven.

was that truly a sign? who knows. did it come at exactly the right time? absolutely yes. so the new me, the grieving mother me, is going to take this as a sign that Julius wants me to know that he's ok. a sign that God, through someone else, is trying to comfort me because he knows how much pain i am in, and He's sorry.

i've also talked about how in 2011 i want to do good, meaningful things. i want to "pay it forward." and as ms. franchesca so eloquently put it in her blog post today, i want to be on "the other end of compassion"...in Juju's name. i've decided that in 2011 i'm going to "host" a few giveaways myself. i'm hoping to do 1 each month. i've received so much from such compassionate people. and i hope that maybe i can bring a smile to another grieving mother who's heart is completely broken like mine is. i unfortunately know what the pain of losing a child feels like now, and i want to do whatever i can to soften the blow.just.a.bit.

i already know what january's giveaway will be. but i'm going to wait until the 1st to post it. they will definitely be different every month (btw, if you have any ideas for giveaway items, lmk). i'm not creative at all, so i will spare everyone the experience of receiving anything handmade from me, but the general themes of the giveaways will be honoring our little ones, and hope for the future. that's all that means anything to me anymore. i'm really excited about this, and about playing a part in someone else thinking that the heart of life is good. since i'm still struggling myself to believe that it is...