Wednesday, December 29, 2010

The Heart of Life...doing good in his name

a few nights ago, i was in bed listening to the john mayer song "the heart of life" {thanks for getting the song stuck in my head, kristin}. and though i had heard this song thousands of times {i'm a big JM fan, and have this cd}, it felt as though i was hearing it, especially the chorus, for the first time.

"Pain throws your heart to the ground. Love turns the whole things around. No it won't all go the way it should, but I know the heart of life is good."

the heart of life....good? these days i constantly feel like i'm being repetitively kicked in the gut by life. my infant son, my first born child is gone. how can it be good?

i've always been a bit cynical and skeptical of signs. i'm much more open to them these days because it is a way for me to continue to connect with my son. even if they are mere coincidences, i like to think that maybe everything lined up perfectly in the universe to allow me to receive or experience something. and it seems like every time i start to slip into sadness, i am sent a sign. for example, when i was laying in bed listening to this song, i, of course, started crying. and a few minutes later, received a text message from a friend telling me that she was thinking about me and Julius. she then went on to paint the most comforting picture for me of Juju and her mother, who has also passed away, together enjoying themselves in Heaven.

was that truly a sign? who knows. did it come at exactly the right time? absolutely yes. so the new me, the grieving mother me, is going to take this as a sign that Julius wants me to know that he's ok. a sign that God, through someone else, is trying to comfort me because he knows how much pain i am in, and He's sorry.

i've also talked about how in 2011 i want to do good, meaningful things. i want to "pay it forward." and as ms. franchesca so eloquently put it in her blog post today, i want to be on "the other end of compassion"...in Juju's name. i've decided that in 2011 i'm going to "host" a few giveaways myself. i'm hoping to do 1 each month. i've received so much from such compassionate people. and i hope that maybe i can bring a smile to another grieving mother who's heart is completely broken like mine is. i unfortunately know what the pain of losing a child feels like now, and i want to do whatever i can to soften the blow.just.a.bit.

i already know what january's giveaway will be. but i'm going to wait until the 1st to post it. they will definitely be different every month (btw, if you have any ideas for giveaway items, lmk). i'm not creative at all, so i will spare everyone the experience of receiving anything handmade from me, but the general themes of the giveaways will be honoring our little ones, and hope for the future. that's all that means anything to me anymore. i'm really excited about this, and about playing a part in someone else thinking that the heart of life is good. since i'm still struggling myself to believe that it is...


10 comments:

Rhiannon said...

I have heard this song many times too but I guess I have not listened to it close enough.

What an inspirational post. I have been thinking about hosting a giveaway myself. For the same reasons that you mentioned. It does feel good to make someone else's day and it certainly feels good when someone makes mine. :)

Here's to a happier 2011 with lots of goodness at the heart of our lives!

Kalialani said...

As soon as you said sign I flashed back to the beginning of my grief right after Leila died...I think this was one of the first times I got out the house. My mom and I went to a movie premiere and had to wait in line for a while. The young couple behind me were talking about their kid with their friends and they said "Leila"...my ears perked up and I started crying because I felt it was a sign that she wanted to let me know she's here. I'll never forget any of my signs. They all bring me comfort even if others think they're just coincidence.

I'll have to listen to this song, it sounds like a good one!

Love to you Tiffany

Franchesca said...

Oh Tiffany, I believe with you that that was a sign. I remember those things that used to be small or mean nothing now mean so much. I have a friend like that and she tries to help me remember how happy she must be in her new home. And other times she's okay with me being completely sad about my loss. Thank God for beautiful friends who are truly a Godsend. I also remember getting little signs of reassurance in the early days of grief and I promise it was clear as day- almost like I could hear her saying to me that she is okay. I needed that, and I know how much that sign must have meant to you a few nights ago.

I am thrilled that you are doing something this coming year in JuJu's name. I would like to donate something for your giveaway, if you don't mind? Let me know, I would love to help. :)

Love to you friend. xxoo

Debo said...

Tiffany..no matter how big or small the sign my be, it's meant to be, please take every sign an cherrish it because God only knows the truth of our hearts......Thanks for writing to precious baby JuJu everyday, as I read you letters to him...they often make me stop of think.....of life...Love you, forever...

Radiant Readhead said...

I am so glad you are pursunig this generous outlet for healing. Because although you are helping someone else grieving, you will be helping yourself heal at the same time. trust Me! I starte my project Roses from Rosalynn with Project Sweet Peas, and it has been incredibly healing to my soul!! Giving back is an amazing way for us to touch other people's lives, and them to touch ours too!

MrsH said...

Believing in signs makes you life richer and deeper, and it keeps you open to the outside world, to noticing. It is a good habit. Also, I like the song, but it reminds me of a friend of mine who said that we choose our lives before we are born so that we can learn something specific out of them, I think some of it is hard to believe. The song is written for people experiencing normal sad events, like a breakup, I don't know if it applies to us. Still a nice song though

Tiffany said...

@mrsh, girl, i didn't mean to suggest that the song applies to our lives. it was more to point out how even though i'm in pain, i've experienced so much love from others that it's showing me that the heart of life is good. ♥ i'm definitely not trying to downplay our pain.

Jenny said...

I havent heard that song, I will have to come back to it tomorrow as the speakers arent working for some reason right now lol.

I really want to do some things like you as well. I just dont know what to do either. Im not crafty at all, at all! lol there is nothing I can even think of for a giveaway or anything lol.

Caroline said...

What a great post and so glad for signs. I'm glad that so many are helping you. Love the song !!

Tasha said...

What a beautiful song. I have always believed in signs and sometimes they are just what you need to keep on. For instance, I'm sure you have noticed I suffer from depression. It never seems to fail when I'm at one of my lowest points I stop at a store and run into one of my friend's dad. He's a minister and I've know him all my life. I'm starting to think he's placed in my path to put me back on track as I always feel some peace after talking to him. Embrace your signs. ((((hugs)))

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