The Heart of Life...doing good in his name

a few nights ago, i was in bed listening to the john mayer song "the heart of life" {thanks for getting the song stuck in my head, kristin}. and though i had heard this song thousands of times {i'm a big JM fan, and have this cd}, it felt as though i was hearing it, especially the chorus, for the first time.

"Pain throws your heart to the ground. Love turns the whole things around. No it won't all go the way it should, but I know the heart of life is good."

the heart of life....good? these days i constantly feel like i'm being repetitively kicked in the gut by life. my infant son, my first born child is gone. how can it be good?

i've always been a bit cynical and skeptical of signs. i'm much more open to them these days because it is a way for me to continue to connect with my son. even if they are mere coincidences, i like to think that maybe everything lined up perfectly in the universe to allow me to receive or experience something. and it seems like every time i start to slip into sadness, i am sent a sign. for example, when i was laying in bed listening to this song, i, of course, started crying. and a few minutes later, received a text message from a friend telling me that she was thinking about me and Julius. she then went on to paint the most comforting picture for me of Juju and her mother, who has also passed away, together enjoying themselves in Heaven.

was that truly a sign? who knows. did it come at exactly the right time? absolutely yes. so the new me, the grieving mother me, is going to take this as a sign that Julius wants me to know that he's ok. a sign that God, through someone else, is trying to comfort me because he knows how much pain i am in, and He's sorry.

i've also talked about how in 2011 i want to do good, meaningful things. i want to "pay it forward." and as ms. franchesca so eloquently put it in her blog post today, i want to be on "the other end of compassion"...in Juju's name. i've decided that in 2011 i'm going to "host" a few giveaways myself. i'm hoping to do 1 each month. i've received so much from such compassionate people. and i hope that maybe i can bring a smile to another grieving mother who's heart is completely broken like mine is. i unfortunately know what the pain of losing a child feels like now, and i want to do whatever i can to soften the blow.just.a.bit.

i already know what january's giveaway will be. but i'm going to wait until the 1st to post it. they will definitely be different every month (btw, if you have any ideas for giveaway items, lmk). i'm not creative at all, so i will spare everyone the experience of receiving anything handmade from me, but the general themes of the giveaways will be honoring our little ones, and hope for the future. that's all that means anything to me anymore. i'm really excited about this, and about playing a part in someone else thinking that the heart of life is good. since i'm still struggling myself to believe that it is...