my space for my son..............and other updates

i don't know what it is, but in the last couple of weeks i have had several emails from people/organizations trying to get me to promote them or their products. so i thought i would start this post off, with a little message:

please please please leave me alone! this space is for my son. this space started off being about my life with him, and is now about coping with life without him. it's about remembering how he brightened my world all 135 days of his very short life. it's about mothering him and his memory from afar. so while i'm glad you found my blog, and you enjoy my style of writing (???), i'm not at all interested in promoting your website, or product. i'm not interested in doing a review for halloween costumes (seriously?), or puzzles, or anything else you are trying to sell. please respect my space, and my son!

whew, ok, i'm glad i got that off of my chest....

it's been a while since i've posted last. life has hit us hard. at times it's been very hard for me to keep up with everything. work is still stressful. little girl is still as hyper as always, and is becoming increasingly mobile (read, pulling herself up and trying to walk!!!). and on top of that i've been working on a couple of projects.

the first one fell in my lap last week. and i've been scrambling to prepare for it. i just found out that there is going to be a SIDS conference in Montgomery at the end of the month, and was invited to participate on behalf of our newly incorporated organization In His Name - The JLT Foundation. i had to think about this long and hard since 1) it means the whole family schlepping down to Montgomery for a day or two and me taking off of work, and 2) i KNOW it's going to be a very intense day for me since i will be doing a lot of talking about my son (not the hard part) and that day (the hard part). but in the end, i felt like i have to go. besides the obvious of just being able to tell my son's story, it will be a way for In His Name to begin forging relationships with people in the medical community across the state so that we can help other families that have experienced what we have (and those families yet to come).

the second project has been a breath of fresh air for me. this has been the 1st time since Julius passed away that i have taken time to do something for me. i recently became a Stella & Dot stylist. it also happened rather quickly - too quickly for me to really realize what i was doing. but it has done my spirit some good. i'm also working on putting together a couple of charity events so that i can give back to those organizations that have done so much for me during the darkest time of my life (one happening very soon, but i'm not going to spill the beans just yet), so i'm excited to see where this new journey takes me. but i know that even this will be done with my baby boy in mind. he is my motivation for everything, and i will even sell jewelry with him in mind. :)

life these days

it's hard to believe that it's been over a month since i last posted here. life has been so incredibly busy these days. i don't know where the month of june went.

our baby girl has hit the six month mark, and has been keeping us on our toes. she amazes us more and more every day. Julius sent us such a perfect gift in her. she is hitting developmental milestones that we never got to with Julius, so it's also been very bittersweet. i tear up constantly when i think about how thankful i am for her presence in my life. she is helping me navigate through life without my son - not replacing, just assisting my heart through this painful journey. i am having more moments where i feel as though i'm living instead of just surviving. where i feel as though i have energy to care about things i once could not.

i don't think i'm any less terrified of losing her now that we've passed the 4.5 month mark. but the fear is not as suffocating as it once was. my heart is more hopeful these days of a future with her. and i continue to take things one step/day/breath at a time. i try to make my moments count with her. i try to relay to her just how much we all love her. and i feel like she is trying to express to us how much she loves us too. she, like her brother, loves to be held and kissed, and we do it often.

her baptism was 2 weekends ago. it was a very different experience than what we had with Julius. our church has baptisms every sunday, so you can potentially have your child's baptism with multiple families. we were lucky with Julius as he was the only child being baptized the day he was baptized. and he had not only the parish pastor baptize him, but the associate pastor was there observing (he was new at the time). it was very intimate, and looking back it was perfect. our baby girl's baptism was much less intimate because there was another family. it was still a very special occasion, of course, just different.

my parents came up for the week, which was nice. and we got a lot of things done around the house (they like to be put to work). we got most of the inside of the house painted. and i finally got to put up the wall decal i had customized for him. i also got a lot of work done in his garden which had gone neglected for some time because of my being pregnant, winter, taking care of baby girl, and intense heat.

i carry your heart in my heart...

the other thing that i've been extrememly busy working on is trying to get our non-profit (In His Name) up and running. i'm so proud to announce that we have finished the state portion, and are an official corporation here in AL. Our official name is "In His Name - The Julius Luciano Torres Foundation." the next step is filling out the paperwork to become a tax exempt non-profit with the federal government. The paperwork is much more tedious, but i'm hopeful that we can get it done in the next few months. it's been very meaningful and rewarding for me to be able to work on this. it brings me closer to him, and makes me feel as though i'm mothering him in my own way.

Doing Good In Juju's Name Giveaway #4

a few months ago, brooke {see i mentioned you again, brooke!} blogged about the fact that she doesn't do the daunting task of leaving her house without dressing herself in her armor of jewelry. many of the pieces of her armor are things that remind her of her baby girl, Eliza. i loved the fact that she called her jewelry her "armor." these days i feel like i'm headed for battle. i suppose in a way i am...navigating my way through grief is a constant battle. i always feel better when i put on the pieces of jewelry that remind me of my Juju - my "Juju armor." in january, my first giveaway, i gave away a bracelet similar to my Juju butterfly bracelet. today, i will giveaway another piece similar to one of my pieces of armor - my necklace. check out this post to read how it came about.

the giveaway:

this giveaway {for BLMs} is for a keepsake remembrance necklace from Lilly Ellen Designs. Here's the description...

credit

"This solid sterling silver bar comes hand stamped with the names, dates, or words or your choosing. I can fit about 7 or 8 letters on each side. This bar necklace also includes a 3/4" sterling silver disc stamped as you wish and a freshwater pearl. A Sterling Silver Ball or rolo chain is included!"

So whoever wins has a lot of decisions to make! you get to customize the disc, the 4 sides of the bar, and decide what kind of chain you would like.

how to enter:
to enter just leave me a comment telling me what pieces of jewelry are in your armor. and for a chance to enter the giveaway twice, become a follower of my blog/site In His Name, which provides support to families that have experienced a SIDS/SUID loss. and then leave a comment telling me that you are a follower. i will keep the giveaway open until midnight on Apr 11th. and announce the winner on Apr 12th, Juju's 6 month angelversary. good luck!

So humbled and proud...

well this post is going to have a very different tone than my post earlier this morning. my emotions are understandably all out of whack these days, and grief just intensifies/magnifies everything i'm feeling. but thank you all for continuing to read along and provide insight, love and support. it means so much to me.

*******

this afternoon, our new site In His Name had the honor of being featured on the blog Honoring Our Angels.

Monica, who lost her precious daughter Devon in november 2008 started this site as a way to provide a list of resources available to those who have lost children. she says on her blog:

"I started Honoring Our Angels to serve as a resource for all those that have lost a child. I know that after Devon passed away, I only heard about available resources through word of mouth. I searched tirelessly through the Internet to find what I was needing only to have most of my time wasted. Honoring Our Angels is that resource that I always wished I had.


I hope that you can feel connected to others that have experienced similar loss, find the resources that you are needing, and find opportunities and way of giving back and serving others that are struggling."

i know after we lost Julius, i was desperate to find resources to help me deal with the immense pain. i was blessed enough to have a very good friend that unfortunately had, herself, become a BLM. and she sent me tons of links, books, etc to help me during those first couple of weeks when i couldn't do anything for myself. but when i was "strong" enough i had to search and search for other resources, especially SIDS related resources, groups, etc. my hope is that our site may help those families affected by SIDS/SUID. i hope that we can provide them with helpful resources, put them in contact with helpful people with the SIDS community, and that we can, at the very least, walk with them on their grief journey.

Monica, i thank you for featuring our blog, giving us another amazing avenue in which to reach families in need, and providing your support to us and our little man for whom we live!

if you have experienced a loss, or know someone who has, please check out Honoring Our Angels for a list of resources available to you, and to see how you can help those in need.

so much good happening...

well, i might as well mention what my special project is now. it's already been promoted by my lovely friends and a couple of other worthy site. yay!

a few weeks ago, i received the email that put all of this in motion. a lovely woman, stephanie, and the founder of the organization Tiny Handprints contacted me. she started TH after she lost her precious 10 mo old baby boy, Jacob, in 2007; and i found her site shortly after i lost Juju. we communicated on several occasions via email, and since she was located not too far from where i live, i offered her my help any time she needed it. i was so inspired by her and her work, that i was even considering maybe persuing something similar in my area in the future {she even sent me, free of charge, 5 kits to help me get started}. well, when i received her email, i got chills thinking that Juju might have had a hand in it. she told me that she had been following my blog, and had been thinking of me {i was immediately humbled and honored}. she also went on to say that unfortunately she was going to have to close TH, and wanted to know if i wanted to, essentially, carry on the work that they started.

to say that i was even more humbled and honored would be an understatement. it left me speechless that she thought highly enough of me to ask me if i wanted to do this and carry on the legacy that Jacob started. i was also completely overwhelmed thinking of all the things that i would need to do in order to pull this off, but decided that i would do it anyway. i figured that if it had been placed in my path, it must be because Julius wants me to do it. my heart is wide open because of my son, and it's for him that i live the life that i have left on this earth. and so, In His Name was created {because well, i'm doing everything these days in Julius' name}...

we will continue to send out the "SIDS Survival Kits" that stephanie and the TH team developed to families in our immediate area (alabama and tennesse) that have been affected by SIDS. and will also be providing information, assistance, and comfort to any family that should contact us. we know first-hand how deep this pain runs, and want to be there for those who are unfortunate enough to find themselves on this dark road as well. if you would like to help, please go to In His Name and donate. all donations will be used to purchase the books that will be sent in the kits.

i also want to take some time to promote the great work and new project that franchesca from Small Bird Studios is doing. o, and did i mention that she is the sponsor of my monthly giveaway for febuary? so stop back by tomorrow to see what the giveaway is. anyway, as i mentioned before, she is a fellow BLM and lost her precious Jenna Belle in 2009. since then she has also been doing all she can to help bereaved parents, and make the world a better place in her baby girl's name. she has started the "Jenna Journal Drive" to provide new journals to NICU parents so that they have a way to record/document their memories with their precious babies while in the NICU and beyond.

journaling has always been an outlet for me, but it means even more now as it is my way to continue to stay connected with my baby boy. so when i saw her post, i knew that i also wanted to help with this. i will be collecting journals locally for this drive. if you are local to me {or even if you are not} and would like to donate a journal for the drive, please let me know. my goal is to collect at least 20 journals for franchesca and Jenna. all the journals that we send to franchesca will have a sticker inside saying that the journal was provided in memory of Julius. ♥ if you would like to send a journal or donate on your own, no problem, just click the button above and it will direct you to the post with the information.

thank you all for your support and your help. you all are amazing, and i don't know where i would be without you...♥

**updated to add that i will be sending the journals off to franchesca at the end of feb/beginning of march. so if you want to send a journal through us, let me know**