Community

in 2011, i had the honor of meeting a few other BLMs when i made my way up to MN. it was an incredible trip - therapeutic, emotional, relaxing, necessary. i had time to meet some the women who had become part my biggest support system since losing Julius.

last weekend, i got a chance to make another similar trip. my rainbow and i made our way to IL to meet several other BLMs and their rainbows. and it was...awesome! i think in total 14 moms (a few dads) and 14 rainbows were in attendence in person (plus our babies that we carried with us in our hearts - the ones that brought us together). and while i didn't know all of the BLMs that were there before the trip, it was still great to just meet them and their rainbows.

it was inspirational to see so many women who have survived the unimaginable. it was wonderful to be able to share my son with people and not fear that i was making them feel uncomfortable. and when i cried (because of course there was crying done by me), no one tried to get me to stop, or spouted out some useless platitude. they let me cry, they brought me tissues, they cried with me.

and those rainbows!!! wow. how those babies were loved and adored by all this weekend! the amount of love that was in that house...well, i'm surprised the house didn't implode in on itself. everyone was just so wonderful with my rainbow, and showed her so much love and affection. it warmed my heart. she usually has to warm up to strangers, but i think even she realized that these women weren't "strangers". i think she knew that these women knew me/my heart, and that they have helped me survive. seriously, i'm not sure how i would have managed the last 2.5 years without their comments, emails, messages, cards, etc.

i'm thankful. i wish i never had to meet those women the way that we did. i wish we all had our babies in our arms. but i appreciate every single one of them that made it last weekend. i appreciate their rainbows because they have brought some happiness into, not only their parents' lives again, but also mine. i appreciate their babies that were not able to be there with us in person, because they led me to their mommas. and i appreciate those BLMs/people who weren't able to be there, for whatever reason, but have shown me support, love, and comfort in the days since losing Julius. living without Julius is the hardest thing i am currently doing, but i'm thankful i have this community walking with me.

 

his day in pictures

thank you all so much for all of your thoughts and prayers, and most importantly for remembering our son with us! i could not have gotten through that day without you all. even though the weeks leading up to his birthday were so emotional, his day was peaceful {the anticipation of the day is always far worse for me than the actual day}. and i'm always determined to make his birthday a day of celebrating his life and the impact he has had on me, our family, and the world.

we spent the day in the park - "his park" - the park that he and i were at the day before he passed away. i have not been to that park since we were there last. i wasn't sure i was going to be able to do it. the plan was to go there and to find the brick that we had engraved for him through our local museum of art. in the end, we weren't able to find the brick because turns out someone dropped the ball on that and it *still* has not been placed after a year {boo!!}. but we are working with them to have that corrected asap. and we did not let it ruin his day. we actually got free admission into the museum that day while we waited for someone to research what had happened {thanks to D for deciding to make them aware of it that day like the protective daddy that he is}. and we got a little sign from him while in the museum!

when we came home, we had dinner {KFC for me}! i made his cake with fondant {though i bought the pre-rolled fondant at the craft store}.  and we spent the end of the day like we had spent the rest of the day - together as a family!



his memorial ad in the paper on his birthday

me and little sis in the park

Julius making his presence known to us at the museum

dinner! what i had after giving birth to my boy

the cake i made for him

inside the cake

his special candle lit for him

a million "thank you's" to everyone who sent pics with Julius' name!!!! i will be starting a photo album dedicated to all of the keepsake pictures i have been sent. if you would like to help me fill his album, i would be forever grateful. just send the pics to me and i will add them in!

thank you mary!

thank you mary!

thank you melissa and Charlotte!

thank you chantel!

thank you lauren!

thank you rona!

thank you brooke!

thank you rebecca!

thank you beth!

so very humbled...

sometimes i really have to laugh at myself when i re-read my posts. my whole blog seems to be written by 2 completely different people {which i guess it has}. the highs and lows of grief never cease to amaze {or exhaust} me. i thought by now things would be leveling out, and my moods would get a little more consistent. but that is just more proof that grief is not something that can be defined. and for the type-a planners of the world {like me} that is the scariest part.

i've gotten several emails from people who have found my blog who have commented that my words have "helped" them. now i have never.ever.ever considered myself a good writer. actually, my 11th grade english teacher once told me that i was going to "fail" her class. so that pretty much solidified in my mind that i was never going to cut it as a writer {which is guess is why i decided to become an engineer}. and though most of the time i feel like nothing i'm writing makes sense, and that i'm completely going mad. i suppose that grief and tragedy bring you a clarity that you might not have had otherwise, as in my case. or maybe, as a friend put it, my being able to express myself in words is a special gift Julius left behind for me.

whatever the case may be, i'm truly humbled that so many have found comfort in my words and Julius' story. and i thank Ms. Erin Leatherwood at First Candle today for her email asking if they could add a link to my blog on their Online Resources page. if you have not yet checked out First Candle, please do. they have so many resources for those affected {directly or indirectly} by baby loss. here is their mission statement from their website:

First Candle is a national nonprofit health organization uniting parents, caregivers and researchers nationwide with government, business and community service groups to advance infant health and survival. Together with our national network of members and partners, we are working to ensure that every baby is given the best possible chance to reach not only his or her first birthday, but many happy birthdays beyond.

i know it was such a blessing for me to be able to work with First Candle and Erin right after Julius passed away to set up his memorial fund. and they also sent us such a wonderful care/bereavement package. so needless to say, it is an amazing privlege and honor for me to have my blog on their page. it is an amazing privlege to be able to share my light, my son with people all over the world. of course, it does make me wish that i had thought of a more eloquent title for my blog. but hey, it is what it is, right?!

Paying it forward status...

i know yesterday's post was pretty heavy. and i thank everyone that responded, especially those who have/are experienced/experiencing similar feelings. your comments helped me to feel "normal" during a time that is nowhere near normal, or natural. it is so exhausting to live breath by breath as i have been doing since october 12th, but i don't have many options these days.

but i did want to take some time to talk about some of the things that have been happening, especially things that have developed this past weekend. i know i've mentioned here and here and here, about the fact that i am re-focusing my life and my priorities. it's hard to go through a major event like the loss of a child, and not be permanently changed. i've been trying to do only things that i consider meaningful in honor of my son. i want to give him a reason to be proud of his momma, and of course, i want to hold on to him for as long as i can. i'm currently working on a few projects that i hope to get underway shortly...

the 1st thing i'm working on is creating a Face2Face group in my area. kristin, angie, and the Faces of Loss staff have been working so very hard to bring BLMs together. and they have thought up the idea of having local social groups so that we can get together and have a safe place to talk about our little ones, and be around others that have experienced the pain of losing a child. it's not a support group, per se {though everyone will be there to give their support}. it's more about, as the FoL site puts it, a "simple gatherings of friends who share a deep common bond." in the past week, i have met a few local BLMs who have been so gracious and have offered to help me with this endeavor, so i'm hoping that soon we can get something up and running.

i've also been working on starting a local support group, again with the help of some determined BLMs. we are still in the process of discussing details and working on logistics so i'm not going to "spill the beans." but i'm really hopeful that we can get this kicked off soon too. and i'm so blessed to have met the women that i have in the past week. i hate the circumstances with which we have met, but these women are amazing. and just as determined as i am on making sure that BLMs in our area are fully supported.

the last project that i'm working on...well, this is the big secret. i'm definitely not going to mention anything about this until the details are worked out. but i'm just so excited about getting the opportunity to work on this project. and i'm pretty sure Juju put this project in my path on purpose. don't you just love suspense?!

and last but certainly not least, i again want to say "thank you" to everyone that has donated to Juju's memorial funds. we are so close to being halfway to our $5k goal. i am truly amazed at the generosity of people. and it makes me so proud to see how many people Juju has touched even though his life on this earth was so brief. i always knew that he was destined for greatness. i was just hoping that he would be doing those great things during his very long and happy life, not in his death. it doesn't make me any less proud of him, but i just wish i didn't have to be so heartbroken.

Giveaway #1...

...ends tomorrow. it is for a customized butterfly bracelet similar to the one i have, made by my sweet friend, jessica, at trev trev designs.

if you haven't entered yet, please check out this post for details on how to enter. good luck!

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

ps - thank you to everyone that has left me comments, sent messages, emails, etc after my last post. i truly and deeply appreciate them all. i'm still in kind of a funk, but i feel it lifting just a bit. and hopefully bringing a smile to someone's face via this giveaway will help pull me out of the darkness a little more. ♥

Thank you

i just wanted to take some time to say some thank you's...

i was so overwhelmed by all of the positive comments i received yesterday from my blog post. to know that there are so many people that are supportive of what i am trying to do brings a smile to my face. not only that, but THANK YOU to everyone that has donated to Juju's memorial fund. i don't know if you noticed, but i am now more than halfway to my $1k goal!! so, i guess that means that very soon i may need to increase that goal amount {funny thing is D actually thought i was being too ambitious with that amount, so i've actually gotten a chance to gloat about how he was wrong. i haven't done that in a long time, and it felt really good}. these days, in terms of friends, it is definitely about quality not quantity. but i've been lucky enough to have the best of both worlds. i'm not sure what i've done to deserve such great people in my life, but i'm not going to ask questions. and i hope everyone decides to stick around.

i'd also like to say thank you to everyone that reads my blog. i've gotten a few emails, messages, comments from people who have stumbled across my blog by accident. and they usually start off with "i hope you don't mind me reading your blog..." of course i don't mind. i started this blog about a week after i found out i was pregnant with Julius as a way to document my pregnancy journey and keep my friends and family updated since our families live in different states. when he was born i just decided to continue the blog as a way to document life as a mother. never in a million years did i think my life would take this tragic turn, but it has now become a blog about my life without him and my journey through grief. and the reason that i love and welcome new readers is not at all about the popularity - i think any BLM would tell you that they would rather have their baby back then to even have a blog - but it's about getting a chance to talk about the smallest person that forever changed my life. it's about telling the world about the little boy that i had a privilege to grow, birth, care for, and love even if it was for a short time. because every grieving parent's worst fear is that everyone will forget their child. so i love every reader {new and old} because to me it means that there is 1 more person that is thinking of my boy...and then, just maybe, i'll never have to let go...

and though we are not "celebrating" Christmas this year. i hope everyone out there reading has a wonderful Christmas day. to all of my BLMs i hope this Christmas is as gentle as it can be on you. i'm sending you all lots of love and strength now and always. ♥