Julius, the baby of the world

last week, a friend posted on my facebook page that she had been at the local library and coincidentally ran across 2 books that had Julius' name in the title. and she posted a pic of the books. the books were: Julius by Angela Johnson; and Julius, the Baby of the World by Kevin Henkes. i ordered both of the books from Amazon and received them yesterday on his 4 week 'angel-versary'.

when i got box, i, of course, immediately opened it, and sat down and read both of the books. both of the stories are super cute. but as i read Julius, the Baby of the World, i got chills...

here's the story in a nutshell: Julius is the newborn baby of the family. his parents bring him home and are so enamored by him - they spend so much time with him and give him so much attention. Julius' big sister gets jealous of all of the attention given to him, so in addition to letting her parents know how annoyed with Julius she is, she is also kind of mean to him - she tries to scare him, won't play with him, etc. {typical big sister behavior, i think}. this goes on for a while, and then at a family get together, the big sister is talking to her cousin who also mentions how "disgusting" she thinks Julius is. well, big sister gets SOOO mad at the cousin, and tells her that Julius is indeed "the baby of the world" {and even makes the cousin repeat it herself}. and from then on, big sister changed the way she felt about Julius and her attitude towards him.

anyway, the part that gave me chills was the big sister's name. it was Lilly {rebecca's daughter's name}. i was so overwhelmed with so many emotions, and of course i had to call her immediately and tell her. i just couldn't believe that both of our babies' names were in this book. and not only that, but that they were brother and sister. it may sound weird, but i just felt as though it was a small sign from both of them to let us know that they were together, and they are looking down on us. and i'm so very thankful that i received this small comfort and remembrance on a "milestone" day.

"How's the baby?"

God, i never thought i would depise and dread that question as much as i now do...
:'(

not sure how i made it this far...

this week is sure to be a very emotional week for me. tomorrow will mark week 4, and friday november 12th, will be the 1 month anniversary of Julius' passing. in addition, the 11th is a holiday for me, and instead of being excited for it because that means an extra day with my baby boy. i'm dreading it, because it means i will have nothing to do and will have to come up with some plans to get me out of the house so that i don't sit and think about everything. a friend of mine commented the other day that it must feel like time has stopped and is moving quickly at the same time. it truly truly does.

i still find it unbelievable that just over a month ago, he was here keeping me busier than i had ever been. and i enjoyed every minute of it! i loved spending time with him, and i loved being his mommy. he made me so very happy. and while i am still Julius' mommy and always will be, i'm struggling with what my role/purpose here is now. he gave my life real meaning, and now i find myself feeling very very lost. i'm trying to hold on to hope that there is more to my story. that soon the feelings of helplessness and hopelessness will subside, and i will start to regain my strength.

speaking of strength, my good friend, rebecca, was so kind enough to send me this bracelet, that i have been wearing daily.

the quote reads, "courage, strength and hope possess my soul...i will stand firmly and without fear." - goethe

i've just been so overwhelmed with feelings of fear and anxiety when i start to think about my future and the future of our little family. so i'm hoping that by wearing and reading it daily, i will start to believe it.

as i mentioned before, D and i decided that we would not be celebrating the holidays this year as we had originally planned. i was also really stressing out about getting gifts for our family. i just didn't think there was any way that i would have the strength to go shopping this year for presents and all of the other things that go along with christmas shopping. i'm having a hard enough time getting myself up and out of the house to go to work these days. but after talking it over with D, we came up with - what i think is - a really good alternative to getting traditional gifts for family. we've decided to make a donation to a couple of SIDS foundations in our family members' names and in memory of Julius. {sorry to ruin the surprise for all of my family members reading this} i'd like to find some cute way to let them know about the donation, like a personalized card, but so far i haven't found anything. i feel really good about this decision. even though Juju won't be with us to celebrate, i like that he will be remembered in this way. and i hope everyone will appreciate it.

Remembering Juju on the 3 week anniversary...

today marks the 3 week mark since i've been without my baby boy. i'm not really sure how i made it this far, but i did. after my friend, rebecca, lost her baby girl, Lily, she submitted Lily's story to the blog Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope. this was the first time i had ever heard of, or read this blog. i thought then that it was such a great blog, and such a great place for women who had experienced baby loss to honor their babies and tell their stories. never did i imagine that i would one day join them.

After the initial shock of what had happened to our baby boy had passed, i gathered up some strength, and i wrote up Julius' story and sent it in to be included on the blog. his story was posted yesterday - just in time to honor my love on the 3 week mark of his passing. i wish so much that i (or any one, for that matter) didn't have to count time in "days/weeks/months/years since i lost my baby". this is a hell that i wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. but i am thankful to Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope for giving me one more way to honor, and remember my Julius.

Dreading What's to Come...

last week was a really rough week for us. in addition to it being the week of his 5 month birthday, we received his death certificate. i still can not comprehend the fact that i received my baby's death certificate. i didn't even have 5 full months with him before i had to say good-bye. it makes me so sick to my stomach to think about that.

as for how i'm doing...i'm trying to hang in there. i went to a GriefShare support group meeting last week, and found it helpful, so I am going to continue to go. i also found another local support group that is specifically for bereaved parents that meets on thurs night, which i am going to check out this week. and in addition to that, the woman that runs the GriefShare group was kind enough to put me in contact with a grief counselor that she knows, and i've set up an appointment with her for this week. so i'm definitely trying my best to deal with my grief. for whatever that's worth...

i'm completely dreading the months ahead. halloween already gave me a taste of the sadness i am sure to experience. everywhere i turned i saw happy parents and their adorable children all dressed up, and thought about how i would never get to experience that with J. i never even got a chance. the holidays are fast approaching, and it just makes me so angry that he won't be able to celebrate his first thanksgiving and christmas with us. we were planning to go visit D's family for thanksgiving, and mine for christmas; but there is no way we can now - it's just too hard. quite frankly i don't even think i want to acknowledge the holidays at all this year. how can i even begin to celebrate anything? my heart is far too broken.

but not *all* of last week was miserable. toward the end of last week i got up the strength to write up a little tribute to my Juju to be added on The CJ Foundation for SIDS memorial page.
Julius' memorial page was published, coincidentally, on his 5 month birthday. even though it was very hard for me to write, i felt like i had to do it. my little boy was an amazing person, and i want him to be remembered. he was such a blessing to us, and his absence has left such a void in our lives...

This is My Life Now...

never in a million years would i have thought that i would be a bereaved parent. almost 2 weeks ago i lost my precious little boy - the one i planned for, and prayed for - to SIDS. today also would have been the due date of my friend, rebecca's, little girl, Lily. but unfortunately, we both have had to endure this fate of losing our babies. i would always comment to rebecca about how much we had in common. i just never thought that this would be another thing we would have in common.

i've had a lot more bad days than good recently. i'm trying to muddle my way through the darkness, and find the light once again. tonight i will be attending a griefshare support group meeting. i'm actually excited to go, and i'm hopeful that this will help me take a step towards finding my new "normal". unfortunately, this is my life now - the life of a parent that has lost a child.

in honor and memory of both Julius Luciano, and Lillian Grace, i'd like to share this poem with you:

WE REMEMBER THEM.

At the rising of the sun and at its going down
We remember them.

At the blowing of the wind and in the chill of winter
We remember them.

At the opening of the buds and in the rebirth of spring
We remember them.

At the blueness of the skies and in the warmth of summer
We remember them.

At the rustling of the leaves and in the beauty of autumn
We remember them.

At the beginning of the year and when it ends
We remember them.

As long as we live, they too will live, for they are now a part of us as
We remember them.

When we are weary and in need of strength
We remember them.

When we are lost and sick at heart
We remember them.

When we have joy we crave to share
We remember them.

When we have decisions that are difficult to make
We remember them.

When we have achievements that are based on theirs
We remember them.

As long as we live, they too will live, for they are now a part of us as
We remember them.

Rough day...

today has been an exceptionally rough day. the weight of what D and i have lost has been almost suffocating today. we miss J so much, and it just tears me apart that he is not here with us. D spoke with the detective handling J's case (state law required that an autopsy be done because of J's age) and he said that not all of the tests have been performed; however, based on what has been done so far, J's death will most likely be ruled a SIDS death. this was very difficult for me to hear. i think it was just another painful reminder that my baby is never coming back to me. that this is definitely not a nightmare - this is real.

and although i know i should only be concentrating on getting myself through today and this very moment, i can't help but think about the future. J opened my "mother's heart" so wide that i now hurt to think that it will be a while before i am a mother again. i had so many plans for J, for his future, for our family. and now...now things will be very different. i'm trying with all of my might to hang on to every ounce of "light" and hopefulness that i feel (though i don't have those feelings often). and i'm praying that i start to climb out of this hole of sadness. and man, is it a deep hole...

please continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers. we desperately need them!