Friday, October 22, 2010

Rough day...

today has been an exceptionally rough day. the weight of what D and i have lost has been almost suffocating today. we miss J so much, and it just tears me apart that he is not here with us. D spoke with the detective handling J's case (state law required that an autopsy be done because of J's age) and he said that not all of the tests have been performed; however, based on what has been done so far, J's death will most likely be ruled a SIDS death. this was very difficult for me to hear. i think it was just another painful reminder that my baby is never coming back to me. that this is definitely not a nightmare - this is real.

and although i know i should only be concentrating on getting myself through today and this very moment, i can't help but think about the future. J opened my "mother's heart" so wide that i now hurt to think that it will be a while before i am a mother again. i had so many plans for J, for his future, for our family. and now...now things will be very different. i'm trying with all of my might to hang on to every ounce of "light" and hopefulness that i feel (though i don't have those feelings often). and i'm praying that i start to climb out of this hole of sadness. and man, is it a deep hole...

please continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers. we desperately need them!

14 comments:

Rachel said...

Oh, Tiffany. My heart is broken for you. I can only imagine how hard this is on you guys. I pray for you everyday. That God will bring you strength and peace! Love~

BrownieGirl said...

You take all the time you need, sweetheart. You will ALWAYS be J's mama and I know it sucks for it not to be outwardly evident that you ARE a mother, and a wonderful one! I have many friends who are mothers to more children than the ones we see with our eyes, and I want you to know that there are many of us out here who will NEVER forget J or that he is one of your children, even if in 10 years you had a half-dozen more. Of course your mother's heart grieves. Of course your arms feel empty after being so full. Nobody expects you to move past that in the blink of an eye. And we're all hear to listen to whatever you feel called to share; the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Jamia said...

Just wanted to let you know I love you and Dennis, Tiffany! J touched so many hearts, and I am so glad that I had the opportunity to know him. I pray that God brings you strength and peace. I am here if you need anything. ~Jamia

rebecca said...

I'm so sorry it's been such a difficult day, I know how hard it is to think about the future and struggle with all of the weight and emotions of your loss at the same time, it can be suffocating at times. Continuing to keep you in my heart and prayers...will call tomorrow if I don't hear from you before then. Love you guys SO much.

Esperanza said...

I keep you and J and D in my thoughts and in my heart every day. Not a day goes by I don't think of you three. I'm so sorry for you loss.

Stephanie said...

I'm sorry today was rough on you. I recall 4 days after my loss driving and wishing someone would run me off the road and I would die. I wanted to die, but didn't want to kill myself. Later I found out that even that was a normal thought and many infant loss parents feel the same way early after their loss. Everything you are going through is normal and it's actually healthy it shows that you are progressivly healing. The fact that you show your feelings is also a great healing tool. Don't try to force the "normal feelings" to come back quicker, they will come and go and come and go again. But you are so strong and your honesty is admiring. Continue to be open and honest and know that you are not alone. Continued prayers

mental health said...

I know how hard this is going to be for you. I am so sorry today was so difficult. You are always on my mind and in my prayers.

lis said...

oh the rough days in the beginning are so rough. im so very sorry about your beautiful boy. from the outside looking in, he was so obviously JOYFUL. remember that you and your husband had everything to do with that. yes, it will be hard to know how it ended but just try to remember that you made that little boy's life amazing and gave him every bit of your heart. the desire to be a mom again is strong in the beginning, it was for me anyway. im just hoping hard that you feel even a bit of all of the comfort and peace i am sending you and your family.
xoxo
lis

Mackey said...

My heart truly breaks for you sweet friend. Take all the time you need to reflect, remember, laugh and cry. You will always be J's mother, and though he is physically gone his sweet spirit will be with you always. I think of you guys daily and remember you in prayer often throughout the day. May the love of God and his infinite wisdom bring you comfort and reassurance in the difficult days/times ahead. XOXOXO Mackey

jrs said...

Tiffany,

I came by way of Rebecca.

I was so sorry and devastated to hear of the unimaginable loss of your sweet little boy and the hopes and dreams you had for him.
Your posts, poems, pictures are so touching. I am so glad you have good friends to help you during these dark days.

I don't quite know what to say that might be comforting or would help you feel less alone and lost in this grief you must be experiencing. I suppose I would share my deepest belief and knowledge that you will see your little boy again and that you are still his mother and will always be his mother. I am sure he misses you as well and aches to be help in your arms, and someday, yes, someday, you will be able to hold him again.

My Hopeful Journey said...

I can't even begin to express how devastated I am for you! Thank you for sharing your story.. you are very courageous. I will pray for you and your family...

AllAngela said...

I found your blog right after your baby was born, and then found it again when I heard about your loss. I can't express my sorrow over the loss of your beautiful baby boy, Julius. My thoughts and prayers are with you, and I hope that you and your husband find comfort during this extraordinarily difficult time.

Drew's Parents said...

I have been thinking about you and your family. I continue to send you my loving thoughts and prayers. I am so sorry for you, your husband and your beautiful Julius.

Emmy said...

I'm so sorry. You ARE a mother, that has not changed. I know that doesn't bring comfort, but you are and will always be his mother. A mother's love never goes away.
My thoughts are with you, every day.

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