today has been an exceptionally rough day. the weight of what D and i have lost has been almost suffocating today. we miss J so much, and it just tears me apart that he is not here with us. D spoke with the detective handling J's case (state law required that an autopsy be done because of J's age) and he said that not all of the tests have been performed; however, based on what has been done so far, J's death will most likely be ruled a SIDS death. this was very difficult for me to hear. i think it was just another painful reminder that my baby is never coming back to me. that this is definitely not a nightmare - this is real.
and although i know i should only be concentrating on getting myself through today and this very moment, i can't help but think about the future. J opened my "mother's heart" so wide that i now hurt to think that it will be a while before i am a mother again. i had so many plans for J, for his future, for our family. and now...now things will be very different. i'm trying with all of my might to hang on to every ounce of "light" and hopefulness that i feel (though i don't have those feelings often). and i'm praying that i start to climb out of this hole of sadness. and man, is it a deep hole...
please continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers. we desperately need them!
Be the change, a case for unity
4 months ago