Monday, November 8, 2010

not sure how i made it this far...

this week is sure to be a very emotional week for me. tomorrow will mark week 4, and friday november 12th, will be the 1 month anniversary of Julius' passing. in addition, the 11th is a holiday for me, and instead of being excited for it because that means an extra day with my baby boy. i'm dreading it, because it means i will have nothing to do and will have to come up with some plans to get me out of the house so that i don't sit and think about everything. a friend of mine commented the other day that it must feel like time has stopped and is moving quickly at the same time. it truly truly does.

i still find it unbelievable that just over a month ago, he was here keeping me busier than i had ever been. and i enjoyed every minute of it! i loved spending time with him, and i loved being his mommy. he made me so very happy. and while i am still Julius' mommy and always will be, i'm struggling with what my role/purpose here is now. he gave my life real meaning, and now i find myself feeling very very lost. i'm trying to hold on to hope that there is more to my story. that soon the feelings of helplessness and hopelessness will subside, and i will start to regain my strength.

speaking of strength, my good friend, rebecca, was so kind enough to send me this bracelet, that i have been wearing daily.

the quote reads, "courage, strength and hope possess my soul...i will stand firmly and without fear." - goethe

i've just been so overwhelmed with feelings of fear and anxiety when i start to think about my future and the future of our little family. so i'm hoping that by wearing and reading it daily, i will start to believe it.

as i mentioned before, D and i decided that we would not be celebrating the holidays this year as we had originally planned. i was also really stressing out about getting gifts for our family. i just didn't think there was any way that i would have the strength to go shopping this year for presents and all of the other things that go along with christmas shopping. i'm having a hard enough time getting myself up and out of the house to go to work these days. but after talking it over with D, we came up with - what i think is - a really good alternative to getting traditional gifts for family. we've decided to make a donation to a couple of SIDS foundations in our family members' names and in memory of Julius. {sorry to ruin the surprise for all of my family members reading this} i'd like to find some cute way to let them know about the donation, like a personalized card, but so far i haven't found anything. i feel really good about this decision. even though Juju won't be with us to celebrate, i like that he will be remembered in this way. and i hope everyone will appreciate it.


Rachel said...

I can't think of a more special gift! I'm so sorry you are going through this. I pray that God blesses you and your husband and that He can bring you peace!

Radiant Readhead said...

I can understand not wanting to celebrate the holidays traditionally. After losing Rosie, I am NOT looking forward to the holidays either. Sometimes the anticipation and fear of the future is worse than when it really approaches, but i luckily have to work christmas eve and christmas day, so hopefully it will be easy on my heart. I hope your holidays are easy on your hear too.

rebecca said...

So glad you got the bracelet, I wear mine daily to and cling to it during the difficult moments as a reminder of the strength I have within.
Thinking of you so often and sending love to you both, praying that you feel supported and carried by those who love you when you need it most. ((hugs)) to you my amazing, wonderful strong friend.

Alesha said...

That is a wonderful gift for your family. I'm sure you will find the perfect card to let them know.

Praying God comforts your heart and soul...

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