i've been thinking a lot lately about acceptance. i'm not talking about accepting what has happened to my child or to us as a family {because i don't see that happening any time soon, plus that needs a post of its own}. i'm talking about accepting the fact that no matter how hard i try, i do not have control. i am a major control freak. i have pretty much planned out my entire life, and was on my way to following my plan when death stepped in and took my son from me. it may seem like an obvious statement to say that i am not in control of my own life, but for a type-A control freak like me, coming to this realization this weekend has left me absolutely devastated.
i've tried hard to keep myself going since october 12. when i got to a place where i could function for a bit, i mustered up all the strength i could, and formulated a new plan for us - find healthy ways to grieve, take care of myself {eat well, get rest, take vitamins}, get pregnant with my rainbow baby {not at all trying to replace Juju, but because i know that having another little one will be part of my healing}, start my motherhood journey again while continuing to grieve my son. and off i go. except....it's not that easy.
i exclusively breastfed Julius for the 4.5 months he was with us. and dealing with the effects that breastfeeding had on my body immediately after he passed away was like adding insult to injury. my body didn't understand what was happening. it continued to produce food for the little boy that it thought needed it. except he wasn't going to be able to enjoy it anymore. and there i was in pain all over. my heart hurt, my brain hurt, my chest hurt. everything was grieving my son. and 3 months later my body still has not accepted the fact that he is gone. my body is still out of whack - it is still grieving. and i am frustrated and growing impatient.
now if you are suddenly tempted to pull up the comment box and type anything along the lines of "just relax, don't stress out," "it is in God's hands," "it will happen eventually," etc please don't. those trite lines do NOT bring me comfort, and they are the last thing i want to hear right now. i don't want to relax. i don't want to wait for His time line. i want to be a mom.NOW. i did the "right" thing. i took the time to get to a good place personally, professionally, financially. i was ready to devote everything to a child. i was devoting everything to a child. and then he was ripped away from me. and now i'm alone. i have all of this love, and all of this mothering that is displaced, that i want to give to someone. i have to give to someone. and i can't. so no, i can't relax. i can't stop stressing.
but even though my heart and my mind are trying so very hard to fight this, i am slowly coming to terms with the fact that i have to relinquish control. i have to take a step back. i have to give my body time to catch up with my plan. i'm crushed. i'm hurt. i'm emotionally drained. i, again, have no choices in this matter. i'm hanging on by a thread, and i just pray that somehow, some way i learn to be ok with this...
Monday, January 10, 2011
Sunday, January 9, 2011
hang on, just don't ever let go...
well, the rough week that i was having turned into a *really* rough weekend. i've, once again, been forced to take a step back and reflect on aspects of my life, which i'm sure i will post about more in detail later. i just can't right now because i'm so exhausted from the non-stop sobfests i've had all.weekend.long. but i did want to post a song/lyrics that seem to be getting me through this moment - "hang on" by plumb {the dance remix version - because everything just sounds better that way}.
I'm so stubborn
That's how I got here
So alone
Feels like forever
I wanna swim away
And breathe the open air
But I feel so afraid
Then I hear you say
Hang on
When the water is rising
Hang on
When the waves are crashing
Hang on
Just don't ever let go
I'm so hungry
How can I stay here?
Starving
For what I hold so dear
Like a hurricane
It takes everything
From me
Wake me from this dream
Hang on
When the water is rising
Hang on
When the waves are crashing
Hang on
Just don't ever let go
Hang on
When you're barely breathing
Hang on
While your heart's still beating
Hang on
Just don't ever let go
Three days
Or thirty years
So hopeless
It doesn't matter
Don't say it's too late
If you blink your eyes
The sun is rising
The sun is rising
Saturday, January 8, 2011
And the winner is....
ok, first let me set up how the name was picked {it was a very technical process}...
i wrote down the names of everyone that entered on little slips of paper and folded them equally...
then we got out Juju's memorial candle {he had to help pick too}...
and put the names in there...
then, my lovely assistant {who refused to be on camera} drew a name...
and the winner is.......... Heidi, momma to Holden ♥
heidi, pls send me an email {canesgirl115@yahoo.com} and i will connect you with jessica.
and for anyone that is interested in having one of these bracelets made for your angels you can check out jessica's shop at etsy, or send her an email at jmm0034@uah.edu
i wrote down the names of everyone that entered on little slips of paper and folded them equally...
then we got out Juju's memorial candle {he had to help pick too}...
and put the names in there...
then, my lovely assistant {who refused to be on camera} drew a name...
and the winner is.......... Heidi, momma to Holden ♥
heidi, pls send me an email {canesgirl115@yahoo.com} and i will connect you with jessica.
and for anyone that is interested in having one of these bracelets made for your angels you can check out jessica's shop at etsy, or send her an email at jmm0034@uah.edu
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Giveaway #1...
...ends tomorrow. it is for a customized butterfly bracelet similar to the one i have, made by my sweet friend, jessica, at trev trev designs.
if you haven't entered yet, please check out this post for details on how to enter. good luck!
♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
ps - thank you to everyone that has left me comments, sent messages, emails, etc after my last post. i truly and deeply appreciate them all. i'm still in kind of a funk, but i feel it lifting just a bit. and hopefully bringing a smile to someone's face via this giveaway will help pull me out of the darkness a little more. ♥
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
i'm struggling...
for the past week i have really been struggling. the past couple of days, especially, i have felt like i'm back in the "early" days of grief {or should i say "earlier" days}.
it all started with new years. it's funny because even though i wrote up my feelings about facing the new year without Juju, even though i had time to prepare myself for all of the emotions the new year was about to bring my way, i was STILL not prepared for it. i thought i would be so happy to see 2010 come to a close. but on the evening of december 31, 2010, as i sit in our office at home hanging out with D, a wave of realization hit me....i am being forced further away from Juju by time. every day that passes, every year that closes, takes me further away from my little boy. i think i might have always generally known that, but it really sunk in that day. and then that realization started to suffocate me.
on new years day, D and i pretty much continued to loaf about the house. it was another pretty relaxing day. i spent most of the day cleaning up the house. i have always been somewhat of a neat freak, and enjoy cleaning the house. but i appreciate it even moreso these days because it gives me something to do, and something to distract me from the fact that the house is so empty and so lonely, it distracts me from thinking about the fact that i should be "mothering" someone at that moment, but i'm not. that evening a few friends whom we have not seen in a while, stopped by for a visit. we went out to dinner, and then came back to our house and chatted about everything that had happened since we last saw each other. they had missed seeing me pregnant, and as a mother, so we spent some time talking about that. i always enjoy talking about Juju and my experience as a mother. i found myself smiling and beaming as i spoke - so proud of myself and my baby. and then they left.....and then the realization that he is gone hit me again....and then i cried myself to sleep.
on sunday, D and i again continued to sloth about the house. thanks to netflix i was able to stream a marathon of the british car show top gear {btw, i'm not a car enthusist by any means, but this show is fantastic. the 3 guys that host it are hilarious. and it is definitely a safe, trigger-free show}. and then we decided to watch the movie that came in {the kids are alright}. it was going well, until.....2 of the characters started talking about burial vs cremation. all it took was 1 insensitive comment about cremation to send me into hysterics. and then the realization of what happened to my son, and the decision that i had to make regarding his resting place {!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!} hit me. i should have never.never.ever.ever had to make that decision. i should not have to think of ways to memorialize him. this can not be my life. but it is.
yesterday, well, D sent me that amazing letter he wrote to our son. if you are fortunate enough to know my hubby, you know that he's a very quiet, reserved guy {i think that a lot of times is a typical male trait}. he doesn't wear his heart on his sleeve the way that i do. but even though he doesn't, i *know* that he is in so much pain. and when i read his letter {i was at work, and he sent it by email} the weight of his loss and the weight of mine {even though they are the same person, it felt like double the loss yesterday} started to close in on me. i was able to get it together for a bit. but then i started looking around my desk at all the pics i have of him, and then i cracked...and, as i had done in my earlier grief days, i ran to my car, sat in the backseat next to his car seat, and cried, and cried and cried. and then i went to my appointment with my counselor, and cried and cried and cried.
today i'm feeling ok, maybe i'm on the upswing of this dark period. i know that grief is nowhere near linear, and i know that i am going to have another one of these dark moments. but hopefully for now, i'm on my way out of this one...
it all started with new years. it's funny because even though i wrote up my feelings about facing the new year without Juju, even though i had time to prepare myself for all of the emotions the new year was about to bring my way, i was STILL not prepared for it. i thought i would be so happy to see 2010 come to a close. but on the evening of december 31, 2010, as i sit in our office at home hanging out with D, a wave of realization hit me....i am being forced further away from Juju by time. every day that passes, every year that closes, takes me further away from my little boy. i think i might have always generally known that, but it really sunk in that day. and then that realization started to suffocate me.
on new years day, D and i pretty much continued to loaf about the house. it was another pretty relaxing day. i spent most of the day cleaning up the house. i have always been somewhat of a neat freak, and enjoy cleaning the house. but i appreciate it even moreso these days because it gives me something to do, and something to distract me from the fact that the house is so empty and so lonely, it distracts me from thinking about the fact that i should be "mothering" someone at that moment, but i'm not. that evening a few friends whom we have not seen in a while, stopped by for a visit. we went out to dinner, and then came back to our house and chatted about everything that had happened since we last saw each other. they had missed seeing me pregnant, and as a mother, so we spent some time talking about that. i always enjoy talking about Juju and my experience as a mother. i found myself smiling and beaming as i spoke - so proud of myself and my baby. and then they left.....and then the realization that he is gone hit me again....and then i cried myself to sleep.
on sunday, D and i again continued to sloth about the house. thanks to netflix i was able to stream a marathon of the british car show top gear {btw, i'm not a car enthusist by any means, but this show is fantastic. the 3 guys that host it are hilarious. and it is definitely a safe, trigger-free show}. and then we decided to watch the movie that came in {the kids are alright}. it was going well, until.....2 of the characters started talking about burial vs cremation. all it took was 1 insensitive comment about cremation to send me into hysterics. and then the realization of what happened to my son, and the decision that i had to make regarding his resting place {!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!} hit me. i should have never.never.ever.ever had to make that decision. i should not have to think of ways to memorialize him. this can not be my life. but it is.
yesterday, well, D sent me that amazing letter he wrote to our son. if you are fortunate enough to know my hubby, you know that he's a very quiet, reserved guy {i think that a lot of times is a typical male trait}. he doesn't wear his heart on his sleeve the way that i do. but even though he doesn't, i *know* that he is in so much pain. and when i read his letter {i was at work, and he sent it by email} the weight of his loss and the weight of mine {even though they are the same person, it felt like double the loss yesterday} started to close in on me. i was able to get it together for a bit. but then i started looking around my desk at all the pics i have of him, and then i cracked...and, as i had done in my earlier grief days, i ran to my car, sat in the backseat next to his car seat, and cried, and cried and cried. and then i went to my appointment with my counselor, and cried and cried and cried.
today i'm feeling ok, maybe i'm on the upswing of this dark period. i know that grief is nowhere near linear, and i know that i am going to have another one of these dark moments. but hopefully for now, i'm on my way out of this one...
Monday, January 3, 2011
A Message from Daddy
Like scenes of a movie.
I look around at my life and I can see the moments I had with him. I walk by the changing table and see him looking up at me. I can see him on the bed looking like he is about to crawl. I can see him laughing as I make noises on his stomach. I can see that scared face he made when I gently threw him up in the air, and the ecstatic face he made when I caught him.
Like scenes of a movie.
I walk around the empty house and my empty life and can see short snippets of our life together. I see the short images like little movie trailers of a life that was taken away from me. I also see images I never experienced, his first walk, his first word, our first joke on mommy. I know they are not real, the uncreated sequel, but yet I see them. They last just long enough to make me want to see that movie, to miss that life, but then disappear.
Like scenes of a movie.
You can still see and feel the special moments as I walk through the empty set after the cast was sent home. There is nothing left, just the memory of what took place. You can pick up a blanket and see the scenes where it existed. I can see when my son held it, when he had it in his mouth, when it covered him as he slept.
Like scenes of a movie.
The visions are not as clear as before. The world moves on, everyone else is on to the newest movie. I know that I myself have to move on, my movie is not done. However, I will never forget the short movie that Julius made with me; it is and forever will be my greatest experience, my favorite.
I love and miss you, Julius.
I look around at my life and I can see the moments I had with him. I walk by the changing table and see him looking up at me. I can see him on the bed looking like he is about to crawl. I can see him laughing as I make noises on his stomach. I can see that scared face he made when I gently threw him up in the air, and the ecstatic face he made when I caught him.
Like scenes of a movie.
I walk around the empty house and my empty life and can see short snippets of our life together. I see the short images like little movie trailers of a life that was taken away from me. I also see images I never experienced, his first walk, his first word, our first joke on mommy. I know they are not real, the uncreated sequel, but yet I see them. They last just long enough to make me want to see that movie, to miss that life, but then disappear.
Like scenes of a movie.
You can still see and feel the special moments as I walk through the empty set after the cast was sent home. There is nothing left, just the memory of what took place. You can pick up a blanket and see the scenes where it existed. I can see when my son held it, when he had it in his mouth, when it covered him as he slept.
Like scenes of a movie.
The visions are not as clear as before. The world moves on, everyone else is on to the newest movie. I know that I myself have to move on, my movie is not done. However, I will never forget the short movie that Julius made with me; it is and forever will be my greatest experience, my favorite.
I love and miss you, Julius.
~Daddy
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Doing Good in Juju's Name Giveaway #1
well i'm really quite excited to be kicking off this new year doing meaningful things to honor my son, and hopefully bringing a smile to the face of another grieving mother. this is the start of what i hope to be monthly giveaways for this purpose. this month's giveaway is brought to you by my dear friend, Jessica, at Trev Trev Designs.
here's the backstory of how this giveaway came about:
a few weeks ago in the mail there was a small package. in that package was one of the most thoughtful presents i have received - this butterfly bracelet...
my friends tasha and jessica, wanting to give me a way to stay connected to Julius, thought of the concept for this bracelet, and jessica made it herself. not only did it come at just the right time {it came on the day that i had a breakdown because i received parenting magazine in the mail}, but it's also very meaningful to me since butterflies now hold a special place in my heart {thanks to rachel at Triplet Butterfly Wings}. she even customized the bracelet for Julius since the beads are the color of his birthstone - emerald. i wear it almost every day.
so when i first started thinking about doing a giveaway, i immediately thought about this bracelet and jessica. i have several pieces of jewelry that i wear that make me feel close to Juju and bring me comfort. and i wanted to give someone else that same feeling. especially since i know that butterflies have a special meaning to many BLMs. so i contacted jessica and asked her about her feelings on being included in one of my giveaways, and she graciously accepted. i truly am blessed with such great friends.
the giveaway:
this giveaway {for BLMs only, sorry} is for a customized butterfly bracelet, like the one i received. the winner will get to choose the bead color {check out the birthstone chart below for all of the cool options}, and Jessica will work directly with you to get the sizing of the bracelet correct.
how to enter:
all you have to do to enter is post the name(s) of your little one(s), and the dates that they were with you. if you have multiple angels, it's ok, add them all in the same comment. i hope each month to ask a different question about the little ones so that by the end of the year, i can learn all about your angels - Juju's friends. i will end the giveaway on friday jan 7th, and will post the winner's name that weekend. good luck!
**disclaimer: since this is my 1st ever giveaway, there may be pieces of info i accidentally forgot to mention. if you have any questions at all, no worries, send me an email and i will try to clear it up. i’m still learning.**
here's the backstory of how this giveaway came about:
a few weeks ago in the mail there was a small package. in that package was one of the most thoughtful presents i have received - this butterfly bracelet...
my friends tasha and jessica, wanting to give me a way to stay connected to Julius, thought of the concept for this bracelet, and jessica made it herself. not only did it come at just the right time {it came on the day that i had a breakdown because i received parenting magazine in the mail}, but it's also very meaningful to me since butterflies now hold a special place in my heart {thanks to rachel at Triplet Butterfly Wings}. she even customized the bracelet for Julius since the beads are the color of his birthstone - emerald. i wear it almost every day.
so when i first started thinking about doing a giveaway, i immediately thought about this bracelet and jessica. i have several pieces of jewelry that i wear that make me feel close to Juju and bring me comfort. and i wanted to give someone else that same feeling. especially since i know that butterflies have a special meaning to many BLMs. so i contacted jessica and asked her about her feelings on being included in one of my giveaways, and she graciously accepted. i truly am blessed with such great friends.
the giveaway:
this giveaway {for BLMs only, sorry} is for a customized butterfly bracelet, like the one i received. the winner will get to choose the bead color {check out the birthstone chart below for all of the cool options}, and Jessica will work directly with you to get the sizing of the bracelet correct.
how to enter:
all you have to do to enter is post the name(s) of your little one(s), and the dates that they were with you. if you have multiple angels, it's ok, add them all in the same comment. i hope each month to ask a different question about the little ones so that by the end of the year, i can learn all about your angels - Juju's friends. i will end the giveaway on friday jan 7th, and will post the winner's name that weekend. good luck!
**disclaimer: since this is my 1st ever giveaway, there may be pieces of info i accidentally forgot to mention. if you have any questions at all, no worries, send me an email and i will try to clear it up. i’m still learning.**
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