Tuesday, January 4, 2011

i'm struggling...

for the past week i have really been struggling. the past couple of days, especially, i have felt like i'm back in the "early" days of grief {or should i say "earlier" days}.

it all started with new years. it's funny because even though i wrote up my feelings about facing the new year without Juju, even though i had time to prepare myself for all of the emotions the new year was about to bring my way, i was STILL not prepared for it. i thought i would be so happy to see 2010 come to a close. but on the evening of december 31, 2010, as i sit in our office at home hanging out with D, a wave of realization hit me....i am being forced further away from Juju by time. every day that passes, every year that closes, takes me further away from my little boy. i think i might have always generally known that, but it really sunk in that day. and then that realization started to suffocate me.

on new years day, D and i pretty much continued to loaf about the house. it was another pretty relaxing day. i spent most of the day cleaning up the house. i have always been somewhat of a neat freak, and enjoy cleaning the house. but i appreciate it even moreso these days because it gives me something to do, and something to distract me from the fact that the house is so empty and so lonely, it distracts me from thinking about the fact that i should be "mothering" someone at that moment, but i'm not. that evening a few friends whom we have not seen in a while, stopped by for a visit. we went out to dinner, and then came back to our house and chatted about everything that had happened since we last saw each other. they had missed seeing me pregnant, and as a mother, so we spent some time talking about that. i always enjoy talking about Juju and my experience as a mother. i found myself smiling and beaming as i spoke - so proud of myself and my baby. and then they left.....and then the realization that he is gone hit me again....and then i cried myself to sleep.

on sunday, D and i again continued to sloth about the house. thanks to netflix i was able to stream a marathon of the british car show top gear {btw, i'm not a car enthusist by any means, but this show is fantastic. the 3 guys that host it are hilarious. and it is definitely a safe, trigger-free show}. and then we decided to watch the movie that came in {the kids are alright}. it was going well, until.....2 of the characters started talking about burial vs cremation. all it took was 1 insensitive comment about cremation to send me into hysterics. and then the realization of what happened to my son, and the decision that i had to make regarding his resting place {!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!} hit me. i should have never.never.ever.ever had to make that decision. i should not have to think of ways to memorialize him. this can not be my life. but it is.

yesterday, well, D sent me that amazing letter he wrote to our son. if you are fortunate enough to know my hubby, you know that he's a very quiet, reserved guy {i think that a lot of times is a typical male trait}. he doesn't wear his heart on his sleeve the way that i do. but even though he doesn't, i *know* that he is in so much pain. and when i read his letter {i was at work, and he sent it by email} the weight of his loss and the weight of mine {even though they are the same person, it felt like double the loss yesterday} started to close in on me. i was able to get it together for a bit. but then i started looking around my desk at all the pics i have of him, and then i cracked...and, as i had done in my earlier grief days, i ran to my car, sat in the backseat next to his car seat, and cried, and cried and cried. and then i went to my appointment with my counselor, and cried and cried and cried.

today i'm feeling ok, maybe i'm on the upswing of this dark period. i know that grief is nowhere near linear, and i know that i am going to have another one of these dark moments. but hopefully for now, i'm on my way out of this one...

17 comments:

Megan said...

You are doing so good Tiff... Just know that. No matter if the bad days out weigh the good days. You are doing wonderful, and I am ALWAYS here for you!

All my love and prayers

Trena said...

Now I am crying. ((hugs)) I know exactly what you mean. We were with friends bringing in the new year with the kids and we were watching the ball drop. I thought for sure I would feel this sense of relief that 2010 was gone but instead I got a lump in my throat and I had to fight back tears. Because like you said, time is pushing me away from when I had my boys. When I held them. I am thinking of you and D and precious Juju. ♥

Rachel said...

Praying so hard for peace and moments of joy for you!!

Rhiannon said...

Tiffany, I wish I could give you a real life hug. I am so sorry that the *deep* grief has crept in on you. Quite simply, grief sucks and we will never be completely rid of it. I have tried to wish away my new life so many times and I always end up right back here. ugh! I wish there was something I could do or say to make you feel better but I know there isn't. Just know that you are not alone and I am sending lots of comforting thoughts your way. ((hugs))

Tiffany said...

I totally understand what you are saying. As bad as 2010 was, it gave me Ellie. And no matter how much the pain of losing her hurt, the happiness she brought was so much more- it far outweighs the the pain. 2010 was the only year Ellie and Julius saw- it's hard to leave it behind. I also feel like the new year is just another reminder of how the world keeps going on without them. Thinking of you.

Ava's mummy said...

I have no words as grief is just so very tough but I wanted to send you much love, strength and gentleness. I am new to your blog and I wanted to say how sorry I am for the loss of your beautiful Julius, he is utterly gorgeous.

Jessica said...

Oh, thinking of you crying next to Julius' carseat just breaks my heart. I understand what you are saying about how the weight of your husbands grief hit you. I can be doing okay for a while and then I see the grief taking a toll on my husband and I crack all over again. You are doing so well and being so strong. The loss of your son is so new and I just can't imagine the pain you are feeling after having him here for almost 5 months. Please go easy on yourself, you are allowed to crack whenever you need to crack. You are in my thoughts always. Wishing you strength through your struggle and sending you lots of hugs.

Karol said...

Tiffany,
I too struggle with feeling like I am being pushed farther and farther away from my Laynee. But I try to remember that I am also getting closer to the day I see her again. Praying for you.

Curls O Fred said...

This is just such a tough process now, and I'm sorry your heart is so heavy some days. Wishing you a peaceful moment...xoxo.

Angie said...

I'm gathering all the love I can muster up and sending it to you. I know these words, I've written them myself. I've been here a thousand times and I'll probably be here another thousand times. Grief is lonely and dark and mean. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I pray for healing and comfort. Please know that with each meltdown/bad day/sob fest it gets just a tiny bit easier. xo

Our Journey said...

I am praying that God bring you peace in the times you most need it. Just know that I was the same way. One day I thought I was okay and then the next I wasn't. I wish I could give you a hug...but since I can't here is a virtual one (((hugs))).

rebecca said...

Oh my friend, grief is such a roller coaster journey. I'm so sorry you've been having such a rough few days. Sending so much love, hope, and strength your way. Be gentle with yourself and feel whatever you need to in the moment. I love you so much ((hugs))

Caroline said...

I'm sorry days have been rough. The holiday season doesn't help. Keeping you in my prayers so much.
{{HUGS}}

Jenny said...

Im thinking of you.

MrsH said...

same movie, same quote, really bothered me too! don't think of it as gospel, it is just one silly person's thought. I had quite a lot of peace about my decision when I made it and decided that I was right after all.

Patty said...

I am so glad to know that you're seeing a counselor... I kept putting it off for myself and I feel like there's alot to process even after a year of loss. Cry those tears of pain because they can also heal you... HUGS, JuJu's mommy.

Brock and Shana said...

I've found your blog through Rebecca and I know there is nothing I can say that even matters but I just want you to know my heart is with you. In a big way. I am aching for you, your husband and your beautiful little boy.

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