Monday, January 10, 2011

acceptance part 1

i've been thinking a lot lately about acceptance. i'm not talking about accepting what has happened to my child or to us as a family {because i don't see that happening any time soon, plus that needs a post of its own}. i'm talking about accepting the fact that no matter how hard i try, i do not have control. i am a major control freak. i have pretty much planned out my entire life, and was on my way to following my plan when death stepped in and took my son from me. it may seem like an obvious statement to say that i am not in control of my own life, but for a type-A control freak like me, coming to this realization this weekend has left me absolutely devastated.

i've tried hard to keep myself going since october 12. when i got to a place where i could function for a bit, i mustered up all the strength i could, and formulated a new plan for us - find healthy ways to grieve, take care of myself {eat well, get rest, take vitamins}, get pregnant with my rainbow baby {not at all trying to replace Juju, but because i know that having another little one will be part of my healing}, start my motherhood journey again while continuing to grieve my son. and off i go. except....it's not that easy.

i exclusively breastfed Julius for the 4.5 months he was with us. and dealing with the effects that breastfeeding had on my body immediately after he passed away was like adding insult to injury. my body didn't understand what was happening. it continued to produce food for the little boy that it thought needed it. except he wasn't going to be able to enjoy it anymore. and there i was in pain all over. my heart hurt, my brain hurt, my chest hurt. everything was grieving my son. and 3 months later my body still has not accepted the fact that he is gone. my body is still out of whack - it is still grieving. and i am frustrated and growing impatient.

now if you are suddenly tempted to pull up the comment box and type anything along the lines of "just relax, don't stress out," "it is in God's hands," "it will happen eventually," etc please don't. those trite lines do NOT bring me comfort, and they are the last thing i want to hear right now. i don't want to relax. i don't want to wait for His time line. i want to be a mom.NOW. i did the "right" thing. i took the time to get to a good place personally, professionally, financially. i was ready to devote everything to a child. i was devoting everything to a child. and then he was ripped away from me. and now i'm alone. i have all of this love, and all of this mothering that is displaced, that i want to give to someone. i have to give to someone. and i can't. so no, i can't relax. i can't stop stressing.

but even though my heart and my mind are trying so very hard to fight this, i am slowly coming to terms with the fact that i have to relinquish control. i have to take a step back. i have to give my body time to catch up with my plan. i'm crushed. i'm hurt. i'm emotionally drained. i, again, have no choices in this matter. i'm hanging on by a thread, and i just pray that somehow, some way i learn to be ok with this...

17 comments:

Jamia said...

You are right. You did everything right (you know I lived vicariously through your pregnancy). And it is so unfair. I don't know what words of comfort to offer, but I hope that your body catches up with your heart and your mind soon. <3 <3 <3

Organized Chaos said...

I'm sorry. Waiting is one of the worst things and when you need this so bad. I had the same issue. My body wanted to wake up everyday and nurse Abigail just like it had for the past 2 years. I physically ached to nurse her. And having to wait for your rainbow baby seems so cruel. I'm just sorry.

rebecca said...

I'm so sorry...I too had a very difficult time accepting that I don't have control and also still feel its completely unfair that people like you & I did absolutely everything we're supposed to and yet still ache to hold our children in our arms...it makes me so angry sometimes how painfully freaking unfair that is. I love you so much and also hope that you are soon able to begin your next journey with your rainbow baby ((hugs))

Kalialani said...

:'( I know these feelings all too well. It seems like months 4, 5, & 6 were the worst for me. Hell, ALL months without my child are the worst for me. I was just pondering over that statement "time heals all wounds" and let me just say for myself...it's all BS. We're in a different ball game when it comes to losing a child and this grief NEVER goes away...as far as I know. Telling you to "relax", "calm down", "pray on it" etc. doesn't help...I know this first-hand. I hate that you have to go through this because you SHOULD have Juju here with you. I truly wish I could bring him back to you...all of our babies to us in fact. I still have not accepted that I'm not in control of everything and who knows if I'll ever learn that lesson. On another note I know how hard it is to get reminders from your body that your baby is no longer here even though he isn't...I STILL have milk 9 months later...it's not fair. I wish I had the magic words to take your pain away...but I don't. I just want you to know I'm here if you ever need to vent/scream/shout/cry etc.
<3 Juju <3

Rhiannon said...

I struggled a lot with accepting that I am not in control of my own life, also. It sucks and I still have a hard time accepting it. I had my life planned out, a timeline and it didn't work out quite like i had planned. I am so sorry that your body is not cooperating. I am even more sorry that your sweet boy isn't here with you as he should be. ((hugs))

Karol said...

It's been 16 months and still I hurt, physically. I'm not even sure I know what acceptance looks like anymore.

Angie said...

I'm right there with you Tiff. To say I like to be in control would be an understatement. I need control of all things in my life. I have to plan and execute my every decision and goal perfectly. And when Aiden died my plans were shattered. I no longer have control of anything. God and life have smacked me in the face with the harsh reality of that. I'm not going to give you some crap about letting go of the reins and allowing life to just happen. That's not realistic for us A-types. Just be gentle on yourself. For every shitty week give yourself one nice day. Get a pedicure or a massage and a glass (or bottle) of wine, just be kind to yourself. That's one way I've kept my sanity.

Okay... I'm rambling. Thinking of you and Juju always ♥

Jen said...

acceptance is tricky..I don't know that true acceptance ever happens.. about the time I feel like I've accepted it, I am reminded over and over again about how I am not.. we aren't meant to out live our children..I do think though, that we learn to live with the pain, anger, grief..its always there..even now 18 months out for me..its right there always..
do be gentle with yourself and feel and say what you need to..I think most of us here are nodding our heads in agreement with all you say..((hugs))

Our Journey said...

You are so right on so many things in this post. I dealt with that too. I wanted to control everything and then when we lost Eden, I felt like I had none. My family kept saying, "Just be patient" and I wanted to scream everytime I heard it! I too wanted to get pregnant after because you are right...A new baby does help the healing. (I first heard this Steven Curtis Chapman after their daughter died.) Levi has helped me heal. He will never replace Eden, but we know that she is an angel watching over us all the time and although I still grieve, it's different because the tears don't last as long...
I still don't know why and I certainly can't accept that my child is buried in a grave instead of being here with me, but I do accept God's grace and that is something new for me, because I stayed angry at Him for a long time...
I am always thinking of you. I know that all your dreams will come true and I wish we knew when. But please know that I will be celebrating with you when it does happen all the way here in Texas.

Emmy said...

It's not fair, Tiffany. It's really not, and it sucks.
I hate to "suggest" anything, because I have no idea what you are going through, but I know that when I feel as if my body is somehow betraying me, yoga helps me start to feel part of my body again, if that makes sense. Maybe you're already doing it, but if not, it may be something that could help bring a little peace to your body.

Fabulous said...

I think the fact that you and I are Type A control freaks is what really bonded us....I too planned my whole life, school, more school, marriage, more school, be financially stable then kids.....been waiting for the last part of my plan for 28 months now. I have not experienced death and I hate the fact that you have....I hate it. All I can say is that I have learned not to plan anymore....He has a different plan for us all and we just have to wait and see what it is. It sucks that we have to wait and wait and in your case grieve and wait, but I BELIEVE, truly believe that in the end you will smile again, you will share all that love you have. I will continue to pray for that to happen my friend. Dont lose faith, dont lose hope. I love you my friend.

Anonymous said...

Sending you love an prayers - I hope you have a rainbow soon. I would love to read along with a happy journey for you again. Tomorrow is the 12th, and I am thinking of you, your husband, and your JuJu. He is such a beautiful boy, and will always be remembered.

Megan said...

No one ever said you have to "accept" it. <3

And you will know when you are ready. :')

I'm always here for you!! (And I mean that, because I know some people don't always...)

{And I am trying for a rainbow baby as well... maybe our rainbows will come around the same time, and we can experience that heartache and excitement together as we have shared our grief. Also, that is what I always say for anyone who doesn't understand... "It's NOT that I am trying to replace my child that I lost, it's something I need to do as a part of my healing." And I've heard it really does help.}

Lindsay said...

Oh how I've lived these words. Reading this was like hearing myself. And, I so agree with Megan...no one said you ever have to accept it. I still haven't, and don't think I ever will. It's not fair. It's not just. You did everything right only to have the unimaginable happen. I shake my head thinking the same thing all the time....why us? Why Ayden? We did everything right. And I'm such a control freak also. After we lost Ayden, I knew we HAD TO have another baby as soon as possible. As you said...not to replace...certainly not...but to at least bring purpose back into our lives. We were so empty and so lost...and we knew that being parents again to a child we could hold and kiss and feed and change and squeeze anytime we needed/wanted was what we needed to help us on our grief journey. Month after month...negative test results. I was distraught and fearing the worst...as I know you are. And I got the same stuff, "It'll happen." "Don't stress out." "Just give it time." I wanted to scream because it's so easy for someone who hasn't lost a child to say. I'm not going to throw cliches at you (I hate it too..). But please know that you're not alone, and you are so close in my heart and in my prayers. Lean on God when you feel your weakest (even when you don't want to). I wish I could give you a big hug.

Always remembering sweet Julius :)

Curls O Fred said...

Someone wrote or told me or I heard somewhere (such ambiguity) that when we are dealt a blow like we have...when it's so completely out of our control...it's common (especially for type-A's like me) to try to grab and control everything else we can in this new life we have to face.
Thinking of you and sending big hugs as you hope and plan.

MrsH said...

I really think that getting pregnant quickly would be good for you now. Not that it would help any of the hurt but it would give you something new and positive to celebrate. For me the entire year that it took to get pregnant again almost killed me. I hope it will be much shorter for you.

B. Wilson said...

I get it. Those remarks don't help at all and I know that. I have plenty of sympathy cards with crap like that on them. Blah. While I had a stillborn baby at full term... my body still produced milk. Torture. Pure torture.

Pictures of your baby boy are gorgeous. I only have pictures of my son sleeping. Not sure what is more painful-- having spent time with your son or not having any time with mine. Sure sucks either way and I'm frustrated too. :(

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