Monday, January 3, 2011

A Message from Daddy

Like scenes of a movie.
I look around at my life and I can see the moments I had with him. I walk by the changing table and see him looking up at me. I can see him on the bed looking like he is about to crawl. I can see him laughing as I make noises on his stomach. I can see that scared face he made when I gently threw him up in the air, and the ecstatic face he made when I caught him.

Like scenes of a movie.
I walk around the empty house and my empty life and can see short snippets of our life together. I see the short images like little movie trailers of a life that was taken away from me. I also see images I never experienced, his first walk, his first word, our first joke on mommy. I know they are not real, the uncreated sequel, but yet I see them. They last just long enough to make me want to see that movie, to miss that life, but then disappear.

Like scenes of a movie.
You can still see and feel the special moments as I walk through the empty set after the cast was sent home. There is nothing left, just the memory of what took place. You can pick up a blanket and see the scenes where it existed. I can see when my son held it, when he had it in his mouth, when it covered him as he slept.

Like scenes of a movie.
The visions are not as clear as before. The world moves on, everyone else is on to the newest movie. I know that I myself have to move on, my movie is not done. However, I will never forget the short movie that Julius made with me; it is and forever will be my greatest experience, my favorite.

I love and miss you, Julius.

~Daddy

18 comments:

Kristin said...

Oh wow, so heartbreaking and just beautifully written.

Angie said...

So touching and honest. Your husband is brave to share this. Praying for your hopeful healing journey xo

Trena said...

Beautifully written. ♥ Juju ♥ He is shining down on both you and so very proud to have amazing parents. ((hugs))

Rachel said...

Absolutely beautiful post!

Jamia said...

Wow...

MrsLSA said...

So beautifully and eloquently written. It brought tears.

sdarnell said...

Beautiful. God bless you both.

Lindsay said...

So beautiful....thank you for sharing your heart. Praying for you guys.

Debo said...

...I have never thought of everydau Lives being played out as Movie....Thank you for all that you share with us...You truly have such amazing way of expressing yourself in writing.........

Tiffany said...

So beautifully written <3

rebecca said...

Amazing...so, so beautiful. Sending so much love to you both D & Tiffany and wishing so much that Julius was still here with you guys. <3 you both

Rhiannon said...

Absolutely beautiful. I wish you still had your baby boy in your arms. ((hugs))

Marie W said...

I can feel the pain echoing through your words and my heart weeps for you both. {{hugs}}

Tiffany said...

It's amazing that so much of what you post is exactly what I am thinking. Losing a baby is such an isolating experience but it makes me feel a little more normal to know that others in this same horrible place have the same sort of feelings.
We are having a party for what would have been Ellie's 1st birthday. We will be making blankets to donate to the Children's Hospital. Each blanket will have a tag on it, saying who it is from. If it is ok with you, I would like to add Julius' name to the list of Angels.

Caroline said...

Very Very Beautiful !!!

Alesha said...

Thank you so much for sharing your beautiful feelings.

Jenny said...

Beautiful!

MELISSA said...

That is the most haunting and beautiful letter. It is so raw with emotion it gave me the chills and tears in my eyes.

Knowing D, makes it even more special because it brings to life the unimaginable grief he must be feeling during this time too.

I wish SO badly that this wouldn't have happened to such amazing, loving and soulful people.

Love u to bits

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