at a crossroads...

it seems like a number of my blogger friends have posted about the topic of friendships recently. sometimes it's really strange to me how in sync (emotionally) i can be with people i've never met in person. the past couple of months i have been feeling the strong urge to re-re-evaluate my friendships and those that i let in my life. i've posted about this a couple of times throughout my grief journey. but as life continues to move forward, it is becoming more clear to me that the person i once was is never coming back. and because of that, some of the friendships i once held onto, i have to now let go of.

don't get me wrong, for the most part, i have been overwhelmed with support. and surprisingly a lot of the support came from those i least expected it. i know that death is scary to most people. i know that most people just don't know what to say to me or how to approach me. i remember so vividly being so scared to reach out to my friend, rebecca, for fear of upseting her after she lost Lily. but i did. i moved beyond my comfort zone to see how i could help her. and though it was scary for me at that time, i would have done it over and over because her friendship means that much to me. and so, even though i truly understand why some people have avoided me, and i don't hold it against them, i also have to do what is best for me, which is to remove these people from my life.

see the way i see it, if you can't be bothered to be there for me through, what i only hope is, the worst time of my life, well, then you can't be with me during the happier times either. one thing my son has taught me, is that life is too short to keep people around "just because." the quote "quality not quantity" has never taken on more meaning than now. i just haven't been able to shake the feeling that there are some people {especially on fb} that are keeping me around so that they can check out what i am doing/how i am coping. sometimes i feel like my life is "entertainment" for others, and with everything else that i am dealing with, i just cannot accept this right now. it was fine before i lost Julius, before i became a grieving mother. heck, i did it sometimes myself - friending people to see what they were up to. but i just can't anymore.

so i started the process a couple of weeks ago to remove some people from my friends list on fb and to make my profile more private. i struggled a lot with this. i discovered that some friendships i am still holding onto because of the memories i've had with these people. but in the end, i knew that i had to let go. and really up until last week i was really "content" just removing people from my fb.

but then on friday {Juju's angelversary of all freakin' days} i logged onto fb as normal, was checking in with friends, etc. and then it felt as though someone had sucker-punched me in the gut. i looked to the upper right corner of one page i landed on to see status updates for the same day last yr. that day i had posted 2 things about Julius: 1) that he started his morning off with a blowout {something he did regularly to get his day started - it was the cutest thing}, and 2) he had finally decided to try a bottle {that victory was actually short lived - he only wanted momma}. so on a day that i was already feeling down, fb helped to bring me further down.

i have been actively avoiding logging on through my computer since then because i just can't handle being constantly remind of how happy i was this time last yr. and with october fast approaching, and the thought of my status update on that fateful day, i just really can't go there. i never really considered deleting my account on fb until now. i, no doubt, have felt "hurt" by fb since Julius passed away. but it was nothing that hide, unfriend, or block couldn't take care of. but now it's different. i can't turn this off. and with all things i've been dealing with, i think it might be time to say good-bye.

i just never thought deleting my account on a website would be so hard...

10 Months & Giveaway Winner

today is Julius' 10 month angelversary, and my heart is extra heavy. i just miss that little guy so much that it hurts. sometimes i really feel like a broken record. seriously, how many times can 1 person say "i miss him so much. i love him so much." that much never changes. that much is constant. but i did want to share some words that a dear blogger friend, and fellow SIDS mom to the most adorable little girl, Talya, wrote about my son. i get many wonderful comments about him, and i'm always so touched. but this one came yesterday when i was feeling really down, and it warmed my heart so much. she said:

"...And it's been said, but it's worth repeating: you may be biased as his mama, but Julius? Abnormally cute is an understatement. I look at your photos of him here and he RADIATES sweetness and beauty and light--so much joy in such a little person, which he got from the love of his mommy and daddy. His beauty really just shines through in the photos. I never had the honor of meeting him, Tiffany, and I am so sad and sorry and angry that he's not physically here with you now, but when I look at those photos, and see those sweet cheeks and in that gorgeous smile, I smile with him. What a love, and what a life."

what a love, what a life, indeed. and that little boy taught me so much about both.

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now to get to the winner of my august giveaway! i can't thank you ladies enough for participating. it is such an honor for me to be able to do this. i know it's not much at all, but i hope it does bring someone a little happiness. so the winner of the custom made butterfly baby mother's necklace {chosen randomly by random.org} is comment #26 - Kayce Pearson!

so kayce, please send me an email, confirming your selections for body/wing/gem color, and info, and i will forward it on to ms. D. Antonia so she can get started on making your necklace!

Finality

some days i just can't even begin to process the finality of death. today is one of those days. i find myself staring at his pics on my desk at work trying to figure out 1) how that handsome little boy was the product of me and D {he's just abnormally cute, but i know that i'm bias}, and 2) why i will never get to see him again.

today also marks the beginning of school here, which means that summer is over, and very soon fall will begin. we are headed full force into october, and i'm absolutely terrified. that month has become the single worse month of the yr for me because of what it represents. a year? a whole year since i held him/kissed him/told him i loved him. i go back and forth between denial and the thought of planning something special for that day. everytime i start to think of what i could do, i get so overwhelmed with emotions, and shut down. so if anyone has any ideas, they would be much appreciated.

it's just so hard to comprehend how this is my reality now...

9+ Months and Giveaway

Dear Julius,

I miss you so much, Baby. I can't believe it's been over 9 months since I last held you, or gave you a kiss. You've been gone about as long as I carried you in my tummy. How is that possible? In some ways it still feels like it was just yesterday that we left the hospital without you. We miss you more and more each day. Daddy and I really haven't been doing much these days. We continue to struggle without you, but we continue the fight to survive. This weekend we went to watch the last Harry Potter movie. There was a scene in the movie that really saddened both of us. Needless to say, I ended up having a serious breakdown after the movie was over. I hate that it's so hard for me to do simple things like watch a movie with Daddy. I hate the fact that grief affects every single aspect of my life. I hate living without you. But I know that it's because of your love and support that I do.

Loving you forever and always,
Mommy

*****

today is august 1st which means the start of a new giveaway. this is perfect timing because ever since my breakdown this weekend after the HP movie, i've been in a funk. so doing this will help brighten my day, and help me focus on the good.

i'm really excited about this giveaway. the past few months i've been almost stalking this amazing artist and her work on FB. she sculpts such amazing pieces - it's hard for me to believe that a single human can be that talented! anyway, after months of eyeing her stuff, i decided it would be really great to have one of her pieces for a giveaway. the artist i'm referring to is Ms. D. Antonia Truesdale from The Midnight Orange.

the giveaway:
so this month's giveaway {for BLMs} is for a custom made butterfly baby mother's necklace.

via

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here's the description from her etsy store:
"These baby butterfly necklaces are designed to lay heart to heart with momma. Their wings are translucent and when the light hits them the right way, their color glows against the chest.

***Please specify body color and wing color, and gem color in the notes to seller. For the body color, I need to know whether you want a light color or deep color (aka, light blue or deep blue). I will need to choose the wing species from what I have in stock, so it will be a tender surprise for you. I will match the gem to your color preferences but will need to choose the shape of the gem from what I have in stock.***

These are very tiny hand sculpted pendants that are just about an inch in length and will come with a starter chain that is 18 inches long and silver plated. You can upgrade your chain whenever you are ready."
 
how to enter:
to enter, just leave a comment with your preferences for body, wing, and gem color if you should be the winner. and for an extra entry, leave an additional comment telling me which piece{s} is your fav Midnight Orange piece{s}. personally, i have been fixated on this one. i will keep the giveaway open until midnight aug 11th, and then announce the winner on aug 12th {Juju's 10 month angelversary}. good luck! ♥

Quick Trip Recap & Giveaway Winner

i know i'm a little behind, so i will start off by announcing the winner of Juju's July giveaway. and the winner {using random.org's random number generator} of the Willow Tree angel of hope is comment #2. NATASHA!!!! congrats girl! i'm so glad that this angel gets to go to such a great home and such a deserving momma. thank you so much to everyone who entered! it really makes me so happy that i can do something small for someone else in honor of my baby boy. it means so much. ♥

this past week i was in MN for my much needed "escape" from my daily life. it was such an amazing trip. i finally met some women who i had initially "met" through my blog, and who have been such a wonderful support system to me. i got to do quite a few things to honor my baby boy. i got to help honor/remember other precious little ones. and i got to take a break. it was like a little mini-retreat. and i'm so glad that i got a chance to do it.

i had the pleasure of meeting jenna {Noah's momma}, natasha {Aiden's momma}, deanna {River's momma}, kristin {Stevie's momma}, and tiffany {Ellie's momma}. they are even more amazing in person. and even though we had never met in person, i felt completely comfortable with each one of them. there was absolutely no awkwardness between us.

sunday we met and attended a lovely brunch hosted by a football player {chad greenway} for mothers of critically ill children, and those that had lost their children. though a bit emotional, it was so nice to be able to be recognized for being a mother. he was also generous enough to provide everyone there with gifts. one being a beautiful vera bradley bag. i have always eyed those bags, but never bought one, so it was a real treat.

us with our vera bradley bags

 after lunch we went out to this adorable place and painted pottery. it was such a great experience to be able to sit around and talk, and feel a bit normal. i painted a couple of things that reminded me of Julius - a froggy, and a heart.

me posing with my Juju pieces

and then we went out to eat and spent some more time talking about our babies. it was just a wonderful time!

me enjoying my delicious dinner

some of Faces of Loss team with Kristin {the founder}

the rest of my time there was just as great as that day. i was able to help tiffany with her event in honor of her daughter Ellie. i helped jenna with a couple of things for her event that is coming up for her baby boy, Noah. i was also able to visit both Noah and Ellie at their special spots. it was such an honor. on top of that, i did A LOT of gushing about my pride and joy, Juju. so overall, it was an absolutely amazing trip. i'm so so glad that i decided to take the time out to do this. and i'm so blessed that i got to meet just a few of the wonderful people that have been there for me these past 9 months of sheer hell, and give them a big hug in person. i don't think they will ever fully understand how much their friendship means to me!!

We are NOT alone...

my hubby never ceases to amaze me. in our relationship i am most definitely the selfish griever. i truly don't mean to be, but my emotions constantly take over. it's easy for me to "think" that i am suffering more because i am the one that always grieves "out loud." but then D will do or say something that reminds me that i'm not the only one who lost their precious son, Julius. a few weeks ago, D asked me to read over something for him. i had absolutely no idea what he wanted me to read, but was not at all expecting what i did read. it was so moving and powerful. it brought me to tears. and he was gracious enough to allow me to share his thoughts with you all. i hate that Juju is missing out on spending time with his amazing father. :'(

~~~~~~~~

Though I would much prefer to be in the position I was before, where I knew very little of the world of babies passing away. Now it seems to be all around, that awareness that makes you take notice of every instance. I am constantly hearing about other couples and their stories of baby loss. I once thought that I would be able to rank the way a baby is lost by the easiest to the hardest. However, I found this to not be the case.


I lost my son as a result of SIDS while he was at his daycare and my wife and I were at work. He was a wonderful son at the very young age of 4.5 months old. I once scoffed at parents that though they can see all these qualities in their children when they were only babies and could do very little. But I knew so much about my son. I can see his personality, I can feel what he was thinking. I felt as though we were cut from the same cloth.

As I hear the stories I try to make the comparisons, I try my best to make my conclusion that it was the hardest for me.

I do hear quite a few stories of miscarriage. As a matter of fact me and my wife experienced a moment where we very firmly believed that we had miscarried our son. When I compare, I feel that it might be better to not have ever know our baby. It would be easier, to think that maybe something was wrong with him and it was better this way. I would not have had to be so attached to him. Yes, I say to myself, the way I lost my son is worse than having a miscarriage. But... I know it is not true. If I said that having a miscarriage is easier then I would have to say that I would be willing to give up the 4.5 months that I spent with him. And I would never do that. I would never give up a single minute that I spent with my son. And though he was taken away, I had him. He was in my arms, I stared into his eyes, and we were in love.

My son died of SIDS, but I do hear stories of babies being lost to accidents or disease. Situations that give parents a reason that it has happened. My situation has to be worse. I have no one to blame. Nowhere to point the finger. If I traveled into the past, there is nothing that I could have done that would have prevented what happened to my son. What would it be like to have someone or something to yell at as I cry inside. But... I know it is not true. Life is not fair either way. Whether you have someone to blame or not would never alleviate any of the grief that I feel. The grief that I hold is between me and my son. It is something we share. I miss and love him as I know that he misses and loves me. It is irrelevant how me and my son got into this situation but it is the situation we are in. So I really cannot believe that having someone to blame would make the world right. It would not make the world more fair. It would not bring me and my son together.

Another situation that I hear is of parents losing their children when they are older. I only had 4.5 months with my son. Other parents got a chance to see their children walk, some talked, some had play dates with other children. Some children went to school and some even graduated. My situation has to be worse. I never saw my son take his first walk, grow his first tooth, or say his first word. Everything that I was looking forward to, all the events I imagined my son accomplishing, never came to fruition. But ...I know it is not true. This was a tough one. I would give my life to spend just a little bit more time with him. But in order for me to believe that it is easier to lose a child later in life then I would have to believe that love diminishes over time. And I do not believe it does. I loved my son so much on the very first day, even when I was placing my head next to my wife's pregnant belly. And that love never wavered or weakened at any point. I am certain that no matter what his age was I would love him the same, and the hurt would be the same.

I try my best to make my conclusion that it was the hardest for me, but I cannot. They are all bad, unfair, and grief filled. It is hard to explain the point of all this. What it boils down to for me is....I am not alone. We might all handle and deal with things differently, but no matter the circumstances we are all in the same situation. I am not alone.

Giveaway & Some Happiness...

time is a concept that i know little about these days. i just can not understand how it's been almost 9 months since i held Julius in my arms. my goodness, how have i made it this far? this time last year my parents were in town visiting and meeting Juju for the 1st time. we were proudly showing off our little boy. it seems like just yesterday. it sickens me to think of how happy i was just 1 year ago - i'd say the happiest i'd ever been. and then to think of the devastation just a few months later. october 12, 2010 - a day you couldn't pay me a million dollars to repeat. i'm still in my grief slump, but i think i'm on my way out. i just miss him so so much these days. i'm sure i pretty much say that in every post, but that's a fact that remains. my longing for him and my love for him will always be present.

but while i was in the midst of my grief slump, i decided to do a little something for myself. it's amazing to me how much of an affect grief has on your physical being. i thought i was doing really well (physically) at the beginning. but now after 9 months, i know that i'm at a breaking point. i went back to work almost 2 weeks after Julius passed away. and aside from a couple of small trips {and 1 in which i had the flu}, i have not had a break since he passed away. so i booked a trip to the great state of Minnesota for a week. it seems kind of random, especially since i have no personal ties to that state. but i will be meeting with some amazing women who have become some of my dearest friends on this journey, in part because they are BLMs and on the grief journey themselves.

i have not been excited about anything in the almost 9 months since i lost my son, but i am so very excited about this. i need this. i need time away. i need to get away from the day to day routine. i need a break from work. i need a break from my reality for a while. and it's great that i will be amongst women who get it, who get me, who, unfortunately, get this pain. if i start sobbing, they will know what to do/say. no one will be scared of me. i won't have to worry about someone asking me if i have children. they all know my story. and i can be "normal." i need this trip. seriously.

and getting back to my original discussion about time. on july 2nd i realized that we were in july, and that i hadn't posted my giveaway for the month!! time really is escaping me. anyway, since Juju passed away i started collected willow tree figurines. i don't know why they bring me so much comfort, but they do. i'm actually running out of space to put them in my house. but one of my favorite figurines is the angel of hope. and hope is something that i struggle with the most these days.

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the giveaway:
so this month's giveaway is for a WT angel of hope.

how to enter:
to enter, just leave a comment and tell me if you have started collecting anything to feel close to your angel{s}. and for an extra entry, leave a separate comment with something that you hope for. since i will be on my trip on Julius' 9 month angelversary {when i usually announce the winner}, i will keep the giveaway open until the 15th, and then announce the winner on july 16th. good luck!