Monday, February 21, 2011

Purging and My Time Capsule

the purging continued again this weekend, and carried on straight through today {it's a work holiday for D and i so we are both home}. i'm actually getting a bit concerned about how much of my previous life i've decided to bag up to be hauled off by waste management on thursday...without hesitation. it's strange that things i once considered meaningful, i now consider clutter. i read a quote on facebook last week, and upon further investigation, learned that it was actually said by yoda {very wise he was!}. the quote was: "train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose." well, let's see, i've already lost one of my biggest attachments - my son. and once you go through something like that, once you've lost such a significant attachment, you reassess.

i cleaned out my office, and found 16 notebooks that i had been stashing away i guess in case there was ever a notebook shortage in the world. i will be donating those to the Jenna Journal Drive. i cleaned out my dvd collection, and bagged up every dvd that i no longer watch or plan to watch. collecting every season of "lost" no longer seems important. and i no longer cherish the complete seasons of "sex & the city" like i used to. imagine that. i cleaned out my dresser, and closet. i'm not sure why i needed 2 drawers full of t-shirts. half of which i don't wear. jeans that were too small for me, but that i told myself when i lost the baby weight i would get back into. dresses i had not worn in a few years. i think i bagged up half of my clothes, which i now plan to donate. i'm pretty sure if i had to pick up and move right now, all of my clothes would fit into 1 large suitcase.

i sat on my closet floor this morning, and went through my storage box full of memories from my past...calendars/planners {from as far back as HIGH SCHOOL!! i'm 30 yrs old for Juju's sake!}, programs from other people's graduations, weddings, etc., birthday cards, notes from friends {again, from HIGH SCHOOL!}, christmas cards sent to us from family/friends. good Lord, what was i thinking keeping all of this. holding on to everyone else's memories, and holding on to every.single.thing i've ever done. i've never been a "pack rat" and only keep 1 storage box, and a hat box full of stuff from my past. but i found all of this miscellaneous stuff overwhelming and suffocating. i think i got rid of about 60% of all it. i mean seriously, why did i need the card my parents sent me and D on our 1st wedding anniversary???

i've completed part of my "training." letting go of my past and who i once was before Julius was not at all scary. tying the drawstring on the garbage bag actually brought me relief. i felt lighter, more focused, freer. the only person who's stuff i won't let go of now, is Juju's. which brings me to my time capsule...

i was speaking with my dear friend mary {momma to Gage} a few weeks ago, and she was telling me about  what they did with some of Gage's things when it was time to pack them away. she said that some of the things that she could not bear to be without, she put in a fireproof/waterproof safe. what an amazing idea, i thought. i had one at home. we have kept old "important" paperwork in it - legal docs, old tax returns, old health insurance claims. i couldn't care less if i lost my old tax returns in a house fire. but i could not imagine being left without any of Julius' things. so i cleaned out our safe. i removed everything except the most important legal documents {including all of Julius' documents}, and i filled the rest with the most important Juju items. the ones that provided me with the most memories, and brought me the most comfort. the ones i could not live on this earth without...

then i closed my time capsule, made a space for it in our closet, and took a deep breath knowing that my Julius would always be safe.


Heather said...

In my donations to hospitals for stillborn babies, I write a couple pages of things I wished I had been told - a small fireproof safe is ALWAYS one of my first recommendations. Those who know me, know my biggest fear is a fire and I've always been afraid to lose some of my own precious things. My artwork has always been in a safe, so it was only logical to put Wyatt's stuff in there too. I've kept Wyatt's things in one since the day I came home without him. I have the outfit he wore in the hospital, his knit cap, his hospital bracelet, blanky, pictures, cards from people, his birth announcement, footprints, his funeral program, etc. I don't know what I would do if I lost what little connections I have of him in this physical world. ((HUGS)) I think of you and adorable Juju every day!

B. Wilson said...

I agree with your sentiments (naturally). The little things just don't seem to matter and I'm sure I could survive with the clothes on my back. Talk about learning a lesson of materialism in losing our babies, right?

Life is too short to attach ourselves to silly things. I also have about 10 notebooks. For what? Will I ever use these? Do they even matter?

We don't have a safe. Perhaps that's something I should be investing in.

Deanna said...

I haven't put any of River's physical things in a safe, but I did gather every photograph taken of him from everyone that had them and put them all on SD cards that are in my safe. I will not lose the photographs of him! I went through a house fire when I was 7 and I always wished I had pictures, of course then it wasn't as easy to store a large number of photos in an easy manner! :)

Now I may consider putting some of his things into a safe...which means I'll need to get something bigger. I have also been letting go of things that I held on to for much too long, and for no real reason! I find that I will save wrapping paper, or tissue paper & packaging from anything that is given to me in River's memory, is that silly? Of course, I use it in his memory books :)

Thank you for sharing, Tiffany.

Lindsay said...

I've been wanting to get a safe for that exact reason. All of our most special Ayden items are in a trunk in our bedroom. I can't even begin to think about losing those things. It would be like losing him all over again.

I wish I could keep Collen in one of those, too.

I remember purging just like you old life, life before Ayden, was no longer significant. I got rid of so much stuff - I laughed when you said you could fit your clothes into one suitcase - if you could see my clothes vs. Jeremy's'd think things were backwards around here. He has three times the amount of clothes that I have!

After such a loss, materials things are no longer important. I know exactly "where you are" in all of this!!

Continuing to think of you and keep you close in prayer. I need to email you soon...sorry I've been MIA. I check in on your blog with every new post, though. Love you lady.

Natasha said...

I'm so proud of you for purging- I have so many things I need to get rid of as well from high school!!!

I haven't gotten to the point yet where I can part with any of Aiden's things. But I love your safe and I think when I get to the point where I can start to purge I think I'll be investing in one of those safes for Aiden's special things.

Thinking of you and Juju♥

Tiffany said...

@natasha, thx girl. i didn't get rid of *any* of Juju's things. i just moved some of them into the safe (the really special ones). i'm definitely not to the point where i can let go of any of Julius.

Tabatha said...

Thank you for sharing.. and you have, yet again, inspired me to purge as well. It is getting that time of year.. What I like most is when you said "what was i thinking keeping all of this. holding on to everyone else's memories" You are so right.. not only someone else's but, also like you said, the someone that I once was..before Savanna died.

The safe is a great idea! We plan to get a cedar chest.. it is going to be our hope chest. Hope that we can survive, although a little broken, slightly battered, and a bit torn, we can make it. The chest will hold of our most favorite and special memories.

Thank you for sharing! Thinking and praying for you! ((HUGS))

TanaLee Davis said...

It must be nice to rid yourself of the useless...I also need to rid myself of things I've been hoarding since I don't know...3rd grade..Ha!
I love the safe box idea...never thought of it like that...I need one...I got lots to save of my laybug.

Missy said...

I keep all that crap too! Oddly enough it's cluttering up my parent's attic since I never wanted to move it anywhere. I plan in the future to throw it all in a pile and torch it. This is such a wonderful idea! Thank you so much for sharing it. All my love to you and Juju!

MrsH said...

I want to do that too! I just feel like it is hard to give away stuff that I have spent a lot on, namely perfumes, cosmetics, etc, but I can't stand the smells at this point and want to donate the whole darn thing.

Susan said...

I like the idea of replacing the old tax returns with stuff that you actually really do want to keep. I think it's very positive that you can make a memory box like this Tiffany x

Rhiannon said...

I think that it is great that you cleaned house, so to speak! We keep Harper's memory box of special things in our fire safe, too. I know I would be devastated if something happened to her things. I hope that this brought you some peace. Lots of love to you, my friend.

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