thankfulness and sadness

thanksgiving. it's here again. another one without my son.
what will we be doing? nothing. maybe laundry. maybe some reading. i checked out a book from the library last weekend so i definitely need to get on that one.

though we won't be acknowledging this holiday, i am thankful...
first and foremost, i am thankful for my son. the beautiful person that entered the world on may 30, 2010.
the amazing little man that changed the very fiber of my being.
the poofy headed little boy that brought nothing but happiness and light into our lives every second he was here. whose memory continues to bring a smile to my face and makes my heart swell with love.

i am thankful for my hubby, D. he is the glue that is keeping me together in this world without my boy.
he is such a devoted husband and father. he's really an amazing person - so smart, loving and funny.
he makes me laugh everyday.
and he does his damnedest daily to try and fix my brokenness even though he is broken himself.

i am thankful for my family that accepts this new broken tiffany.
they may not understand what we are going through, but they are patient with us.
they have allowed us to grieve the way that we need to. they have not tried to rush us on this journey.

i am thankful for true friendship.
i may not have all the same friends i had before Julius passed away, but i know that i am surrounded by those who truly care.
they may not all be BLMs, but they continue to reach out to me and let me know that they are thinking of me and more importantly my son.
they lift me up when i am too weak to take another step.

and even though i have much to be thankful for, i am also sad - devastated even.
devastated that he is not here.
devastated that i'm not chasing around a toddler in the midst of the family activities.
devastated that he never got to know what a turkey is or what it tastes like.
broken hearted that he is gone.

i am thankful and i am sad. and that's ok.
feelings are very complicated things. and i've realized that it's perfectly acceptable to have more than 1 emotion at a time.
i've resigned myself to the fact that it will definitely be like this from now on.
for even my happiest moments will be twinged with pain because he is not here.

thinking of all of my BLMs that are missing their precious children this thanksgiving and always. hoping this holiday is gentle on you all.

i'll never understand...

"...my advice to you is if you don't have any kids, just adopt a kid 1 year old or older"

i recently overheard someone say this as they were complaining about dealing with their newborn acting like a newborn. i can't tell you how much that stung. i would give anything to get the chance to have sleepless nights because of my son. i would give anything for Julius to have had a chance to make it to his 1st birthday. i would give anything to bring him back.

some people are so clueless and just don't understand how lucky they are. some people don't realize how much they take for granted. it breaks my heart over and over again when i meet one of those people.

why us? why Julius?

Guest Poster

first let me start of by apologizing for being somewhat of a slacker for not posting the giveaway winner in a timely manner. i did pick the winner on the 11th {via random.org}, but i never got around to posting about it. the winner was ashley - comment #3! one more giveaway to go in my monthly giveaway project in honor of my baby boy. it's so strange that another year is coming to a close without him, especially when my love and adoration of him grow stronger with each passing day.

i am happy to say that i will be taking part in the "12 days of christmas with you in heaven" series that fran of small bird studios will be hosting on her blog. it will be a series of posts from other BLMs of tips, tutorials, giveaways, etc on ways to make it through the holiday season without our precious little ones.

i plan to prepare a tutorial on how to make the memorial candle i made for my munchkin.

i've made a couple more since then, so i think i'm getting to a point where i could explain in a relatively simple manner how to do it. it was very meaningful for me to do for him, and i'm hoping that others feel the same way. so be on the lookout for that! i will also be tying in my last giveaway with this post.

if any of you have something that you would like to share with other BLMs, head over to fran's blog to find out how you can participate.

need advice?

first let me say, thank you for all of the words of support you sent after my post the other day. in general i tend to be very protective of my grief and my son, and i get very riled up when i hear/read insensitive comments being made to other grieving families. i understand that there are those that really do not understand the feelings/emotions that go along with losing a child {i wish i did not have to understand these feelings myself}, but sometimes i feel like there are those that don't even attempt to show empathy toward those grieving {like that woman did with my friend}, and that really upsets me.

i got a few comments about not liking the phrase "God only gives us what we can handle." i have to admit, i really dislike that phrase myself. hearing that or anything about this being God's "plan" is like watching/hearing someone run their nails against a chalkboard for me. but while i was pinning away a few weeks ago, i found quote that actually brought me comfort...

via

i actually don't mind thinking about it this way. and i like to think that Julius is right there with him helping me along.

and finally i want to plug my dear BLM friend, Eliza's momma, Brooke. she has started giving advice on her blog under the pseudonym Ms. B Reeved. Here's her little description:

"I'd like to introduce Ms. B. Reeved, my alter-ego who will occasionally be dispensing advice on this blog, intended to give well-meaning strangers some idea about what to expect and how to deal with a bereaved parent. She has experienced the loss of her infant daughter, so she knows whereof she speaks, but she also is able to respond objectively, since these are situations and questions posited to her by readers and NOT necessarily from her own life. She will accept letters and queries sent to bythebrooke (at) gmail (dot) com."


she's answered 2 questions so far, and the advice she gives, in my opinion is so well-written, informative, and a bit witty. i have heard so many times that people just don't know what to do or say around someone that has experienced pregnancy/infant loss. so if you are out there reading, and have a question you would like answered, send Ms. B an email. it can be so enlightening to hear the perspective of someone who has "been there."

what NOT to say to a bereaved parent...

"I am so glad that God chose to give me healthy children because I could not handle that"

for the love of all that is holy, please please please never say THAT!! for the record, no one said this to me, but it was said to a very close friend of mine who is also a BLM. i'm livid for her. and i'm livid for anyone else who might have ever heard something to this effect.

we did not ask for this reality! we were not give this hand in life because we could "handle" it. and it's beyond upsetting to hear otherwise. while we certainly don't want anyone else to have to deal with the pain of losing a child. it's really hurtful and thoughtless to have the good fortune of others rubbed in the face of a grieving mother. it's like adding salt to the gapping hole in our hearts.

unfortunately this is just another reason that i avoid people who do not know our story, and new social situations. i really wish that everyone was required to read a manual on how to deal with bereaved families and what to/not to say to them. it would certainly cut down on some of the unnecessary heartache. :(

November Giveaway and Remembering

i seriously can't believe another year is coming to a close. i'm absolutely speechless that so much time has passed since my baby boy took his last breath. time is such a crazy thing when you are in the midst of grief.

there are only 2 more giveaways left in my monthly Juju giveaway project. it really has brought me much comfort to be able to do something nice for someone else in honor of my son. :) this month's giveaway was inspired by another special little boy, Aiden. i have become close friends with Aiden's mom. she has been there for me through quite a bit, and i had the privilege of meeting her in person in july when i went to MN.

today is Aiden's angelversary. on this day last year, my dear friend was just beginning her grief journey - a journey i wish no one had to make. it seems like a lot of us BLMs have an animal{s} that is meaningful to us and that we feel connects us with our babies. for me, it's butterflies, and frogs. for natasha, one of her favorite animals is the dragonfly.

so when i was thinking about what i could give away this month, i immediately thought about the dragonfly earrings that i purchased a few months ago. it just seems fitting.

in order to enter this BLM giveaway, all you have to do is leave a comment with Aiden's name. yep that's it. this day and this giveaway is dedicated to him.

i will leave the giveaway open until the 11th and then announce the winner on the 12th!

Natasha, i pray that little Aiden is surrounding you in his love and giving you the strength to make it through the day. ♥ Aiden ♥