Right Where I Am 2013: 2 Years, 8 Months, and 6 Days

seriously, WTF??

that reaction pretty much sums it all up. it sums up what i thought as i scrolled through my blog list to see all of the other RWIA posts that have already been done. it sums up my feelings to the amount of time that has passed since the last time i saw my beautiful boy. it sums up feelings about the fact that i am still living this nightmare of being a bereaved mother.

how could it be? how could i have given birth to a child that isn't here anymore. some days it all feels like a dream. but i look around and see the pictures of him everywhere, and know that it's not.

last year i wrote the post a day before his 2nd birthday. our rainbow had just made it to the 4.5 month milestone in which we lost Julius, thus officially outliving him; anxiety was at an all time high, and my heart was so very heavy with worry and grief.

since then...we just celebrated his 3rd birthday {which was a difficult one for me. and i've figured that they are all pretty much going to be difficult ones because there is no way that i can adequately plan a day worthy enough for him}. his sister just turned 17 months and brings more joy/love into our lives than we ever thought we would be able to experience again.

but as she continues to grow and develop, so does her "interactions" and understanding of her brother, which brings another dimension to my grief. see all this time i have been grieving MY broken heart, and MY missing him. but more and more i feel as though i am grieving for me and rainbow. as i mentioned in a previous post, she kisses her urn with me now. and she has recently started grabbing his picture off of the entertainment center, kissing it, and saying "baby".

oh, how my heart breaks even more to see how tenderly she treats him. it aches to think of how she would act with him in person. she is such an affectionate girl. she loves love/affection, she gives kisses and hugs so generously {maybe a little to generously} to all the little kids/babies she meets. and i wonder would she be as affectionate with her older brother. it makes me angrier to know that she will never get the chance. she deserves to experience all the fun of having an older brother. he deserved to get the chance to be an older brother. but, unfortunately, it didn't happen.

my grief is still a part of me. while i am finding it easier to "live" again, instead of just merely "surviving," i can still feel the ache in my heart. i still avoid conversations about kids/families with strangers. i still avoid some parts of town that remind me too much of *that* day. i still have days in which i have to close my office door because i need to cry. i do have a lot to cry about, but my children give me so much more to smile about. and these days it's easier to smile for both of them...