Baby boy, today is your three month angel-versary. I miss you more than words could ever say. I've had a really rough time lately, baby. A few people have told me that they experienced low points at around the 3 month mark. When I heard that, I didn't believe it. It didn't make sense to me, time should make things easier to deal with rather than harder. If only grief were that easy. But here I am, Juju. I've spent 3 months, 3 long, hard, dark months grieving you, and I find myself in the same despair I was in when I had to leave the hospital without you. It's so surreal to find myself in a position where time seems to have stopped and sped up simultaneously. My heart is stuck in October 12, 2010, but my body continues onward - going to work, going to the gym, going through the motions...
Julius, a few weeks after you passed away, I decided to buy a necklace to remember you by. I bought a similar one for Tia Rebecca when she lost her baby girl, Lily, and so I had to get one for you. The quote that is engraved on it is "I carry your heart in my heart." I'm not sure where I initially heard that quote, baby, but I fell in love with it. And then when you passed away, it took on an even more powerful meaning as we had you put in a heart-shaped urn. This weekend, I discovered the EE Cummings poem that that quote came from. It is beautiful, and I want to share it with you.
i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)
You are everything to me - my heart, my moon, my sun, my son. I'll love you and miss you forever. I carry your heart in my heart.
|To purchase a similar necklace check out Lilly Ellen Designs|