Wednesday, January 12, 2011

i carry your heart in my heart

Dear Juju,

Baby boy, today is your three month angel-versary. I miss you more than words could ever say. I've had a really rough time lately, baby. A few people have told me that they experienced low points at around the 3 month mark. When I heard that, I didn't believe it. It didn't make sense to me, time should make things easier to deal with rather than harder. If only grief were that easy. But here I am, Juju. I've spent 3 months, 3 long, hard, dark months grieving you, and I find myself in the same despair I was in when I had to leave the hospital without you. It's so surreal to find myself in a position where time seems to have stopped and sped up simultaneously. My heart is stuck in October 12, 2010, but my body continues onward - going to work, going to the gym, going through the motions...

Julius, a few weeks after you passed away, I decided to buy a necklace to remember you by. I bought a similar one for Tia Rebecca when she lost her baby girl, Lily, and so I had to get one for you. The quote that is engraved on it is "I carry your heart in my heart." I'm not sure where I initially heard that quote, baby, but I fell in love with it. And then when you passed away, it took on an even more powerful meaning as we had you put in a heart-shaped urn. This weekend, I discovered the EE Cummings poem that that quote came from. It is beautiful, and I want to share it with you.

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

You are everything to me - my heart, my moon, my sun, my son. I'll love you and miss you forever. I carry your heart in my heart.

-Mommy



To purchase a similar necklace check out Lilly Ellen Designs

18 comments:

Megan said...

I love the necklace!!!!! I've been wanting to get one so badly, but everytime I start looking, there are SO many that speak to me I can never decide. :( Maybe one day......

Lindsay said...

Another beautiful post...sending lots of love and prayers your way, especially today!

Kristin said...

That is so beautiful, Tiffany. I love the EE Cummings poem too, one of my favorite. I agree, I thought three months was especially hard. It's that awful time when you begin to feel like the world expects you to be 'moving on' and you realize there is no moving on. It's so permanent. 8 months out, I can tell you the super low points do become more and more spread out, but they are still there. Thinking of and loving you today (and everyday!)

Ava's mummy said...

Wow, such a beautful post, beautiful necklace and beautiful poem. Sending much love to you today especially. I also found three months very hard too, sending strength and gentleness. xx

Jenny said...

I haven't been able to find the perfect one either and so many of them are soo expensive.
Yes it gets worse, where you think it gets better. Its almost as if you realize that you held it together more than you thought comoforting everyone else around you. Now that they are ok, now is when you feel the true depth of the pain because you feel so much more alone. The world is moving ahead and you with it though it doesnt always feel like it. I'm 10 months out and I don't cry all day anymore but I still cry, moreso when Im alone. It takes me hours to write some of my blogs because im literally bawling and bawling so freely. I dont think i let myself cry like that anymore unless im writing. ((hugs)) p.s. i don't think its my month either :(

Lindsay said...

Beautiful. 3 months was difficult for me as well. I think it's because by the time you reach 3 months, the "fog" has lifted. The shock of it all starts settling into reality, and you realize it all really happened. He's really gone. It wasn't just a dream. I pray for peace and comfort for your broken heart. It doesn't get easier at all...even last night, a picture flashed up on facebook and I remembered that day...my last Saturday with Ayden...and tears flooded my eyes. We will always carry them in our hearts...so, so close.

Tiffany said...

Tiffany- I was thinking about you this morning while I was out running errands. I, too, am having a very hard time. I knew it was 3 months for you today, we will be there in a couple weeks. I am still surprised how much it hurts- I feel like its just getting harder. Three months is such a long time, especially when our babies were still so young. I pray you find some comfort in something, anything, today.

Rachel said...

Praying so very hard for peace for you!!

Angie said...

I have the same necklace, one of my friends bought it for me for what should have been Olivia's first birthday. I love it! I didn't know that there was a poem that went with, so thank you for sharing that.

Honestly, it's not until around the 6 month mark that it finally stopped seeming so much "2 steps forward, 1 step back". But, there does come to a point where it really just gets a little easier to breathe, again (though even that is a little bittersweet.)

Jessica said...

Such a beautiful necklace! I love that poem I painted part of it on a huge board for a client once (there's pics on my facebook or my store blog) it was fun - they made it into a coat hanger for their wall :) Thank you again SO MUCH for my figurine my husband and I LOVE it! <3

Liz said...

So beautiful. Praying for you daily.

Brooke said...

Three months is such a long time and such a short time. I, too, keep hoping that this will get easier as the days and weeks and months go by. But grief is nothing if not unpredictable. The poem you found has always been one of my favorites. I don't know why we have to suffer such grief, bu I am still convinced that love IS the wonder that is keeping the stars apart.

Rhiannon said...

What a lovely poem, thank you for sharing. It has such strong meaning for us. Thinking of you and Julius all the time. <3

MrsH said...

Beautiful poem, loved it!

rebecca said...

I love, love, love that poem, it is so incredibly beautiful and true! I can tell you at about 6 1/2 months out the low points are getting farther apart and aren't as difficult, as others have mentioned they're still there, but more spread out. Although each loss is different and we all grieve in our own ways, so in saying that I also don't want you to feel there is a time table for your grief. We all navigate this journey in our own special way. Sending so much love and strength your way my amazing friend ((hugs))

rebecca said...

tiffany no matter how hard things are for you and how many ups and downs and highs and lows you will always have a beautiful heart i love you and even though im a far i reach my heart out to you..u truley make me smile when i think of you u have such a beatuful soul and denis is lucky to have a girl like you keep ur head up

Angie said...

My 3 month mark was awful. I was at my absolute worst for 2 straight weeks. I'm not too far ahead of you in our journeys, tomorrow Aiden would have been 5 months old, but I can honestly tell you it gets better. I promise you won't always feel like this.

I LOVE that poem and you necklace is beautiful. xo

Tanashia said...

Tiffany, thank you for sharing your story. I think of you daily.

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